Kelly Martin Speaks

Speaking Vibrantly - Kelly Martin Speaks

2012-01-20T17:46:00.006Z

Happy 2012 everyone. It has felt like a very long time since I last posted. Lots of changes, lots of developments and some shifts in my communication style.

A couple of days ago I started posting videos on my You Tube channel. This week I have received my first 'dislikes' on my videos ever. And it is all because I decided to step from behind my comfort zone and speak passionately about my own opinions and thoughts on a certain topic.

When I posted it, some fear arose. It took a great deal of courage to be so honest and clear about what many could perceive as human flaws. As with my blog I know my channel is taking me in the direction of honesty, raw passion, opinions and strong communication.

After talking with Mike I was thinking about speaking and communication and how so many of us show the face we hope the world will like. I know for the longest time, as a people pleaser I thought I must simply show the nice face, the happy face, the upbeat face. I was known as smiley happy Kelly by my friends. I would also cover my mouth to stop myself expressing anything that was a difference of opinion for fear of all eyes being on me when in a group situation. I was painfully communication phobic back then.

Now, my communication is changing. I am aware of the need to challenge any boundaries I had placed within myself to keep myself safe. We can only live a half life if we go through life trying to avoid conflict or trying to get people to like us.

I want to take the risk of people not liking me and see how that feels inside. I know for me it is the step on a path of real self awareness and self love.

For the longest time, I have observed my house mate Mike and how he is able to discuss and share with people without fear or being made wrong. He is happy to let people be right and accept others may be right. His ego does not take a leap into anger or rage or resentment. He has his moments, but most of the time he is able to express himself from a strong grounded place.

My new video here reflects a feeling I needed to express outwardly. I am receiving a lot of positive feedback and some dislikes,but instead of feeling horrified that people dislike my video, me or what I have to say, (which would have been my past response) instead it actually excites me.

My longest held desire has been to be able to experience this world and all of humanity and to not take offence when someone does not like me or what I say or do, but to respect them and acknowledge that what they say and feel is of value. And to also take it into myself what they say and to see where it is true.

Byron Katie has helped me understand this further.

Recently on another forum I was related to as being obsessive and as demonising Abraham Hicks. I read through the post, had a little internal reaction, left the thread and felt my feelings and asked what is this all about. I then realised, yes, the human side of me can be a little obsessive and maybe demonizes or maybe not. However, the point was that we all have every culmination of human emotion within us. While I may obsess about one subject, another may obsess about food or music, and another may simply have obsessive thoughts.

My message here is to say, confront your fears when it comes to communication. We can hide behind the couch only sharing what feels safe to share or we can allow the whole range of human emotion to be expressed through us. And to allow others and ourselves to reflect upon the consequences of such expression.

As I become at ease with all of my humanity, in the long term it means that when others feel different towards me I will feel at peace within myself.

So watch this space and check out my You Tube channel when you have a moment. It is changing. I am changing.

The Gift - Sometimes It Is Not What We Expect It To Be

2011-12-26T17:36:00.001Z

A week or so ago I had a dream where I received the message "unwrap yourself - you are the gift" (see video at bottom of post). And while I intellectually got it, some of it I found myself struggling with.

This past week has been an interesting time for me. On Thursday I celebrated the Winter Solstice. I had made the conscious decision to say goodbye to celebrating Christmas on the 25th of December, even though I had been celebrating that day for 34 years. It was an enlightening experience and took me to a place within myself where more feelings and emotions arose.

While it was a beautiful day on the Solstice, the weather was perfect, Mike and I had a long walk to Lassington Woods. We sat on a log and drank spiced cider and I did a little ritual, placing bird seed in and around the trees. It was also a very surreal experience to open gifts on that day and I found it a little difficult when family (of which I had told them well in advance and what I would be doing) responded with "OH! you have opened your gifts today."

On the actual 'Christmas Day', to see no presents under the tree brought up sadness. Even though I am not Christian it brought up feelings of stepping further outside my comfort zone. A zone where I have been steadily stepping outside the realms of what is labelled 'normal' for some time. It was such a strange feeling. And it was later confirmed when watching a movie where the main character was saying how if you did not celebrate thanksgiving or other celebrations, nobody would say anything, but say you don't celebrate Christmas and you are treated like a leper.

And while I was not treated like a leper, it just made me aware of the ever-widening gap between 'fitting in' and being who I am.

So today, it is Boxing Day in the UK and more feelings have arisen. And I watched a video someone posted on Facebook which triggered a potential change in perspective for me. I realised as I look around me, the 'lack' of people in my life, the 'lack' of social interaction, the lack of 'stimulus' and the emptiness of my world may just have been the biggest gift I have gifted myself as a soul here to experience living.

After reading some Bartholomew books, I realised I had chosen a path that would bring me home to myself, and who I am, quicker than say a person that had chosen huge riches and status. For huge riches initially in one's life can be the biggest distraction a person can have. I could be surrounded by all the material gifts in the world; surrounded by people and friends and family. The phone could be ringing off the hook with people wanting to be with me and talk to me. But, what would happen if this were my life? I would never look inside my heart to see what my soul, my heart was deeply longing for.

Inner Peace, Inner wisdom, Inner love and Inner Power.

And while it was possibly not the easiest path I could have chosen, it has obviously taken away everything that would cause my egoic sense of self to engage in the drama and daily distractions of life.

Imagine a life when looking through the eyes 'appears' empty. Empty of people to love or be loved by, empty of roles, status, jobs...Seriously, this is what Monks go up to the top of mountains and sit under trees to experience. And in this busy hectic Western world my soul, my divinity has carved out a piece of human time and space where I have free, open, space where the only way I can be, is present. What a Gift I gave myself.

My ego likes to tell me I must need to do something else and that 'Being' is not enough and my ego would say this to me because the ego needs attachments and boosting all of the time. And I have discovered that the path of aloneness actually does not give you a quick flip of the switch and suddenly you see, feel, hear, know your divinity - NO. The path of aloneness actually takes you through the fire of cleansing transmutation and transformation. Because all of the attachments, all of the fears, often hidden by distractions, have this wide open space to come up within. And so the deeper core stuff arises within that space.

So the gift does not always have pink bows and sparkle but raging fire and water. So much so even the inner core temperature of the physical vessel changes. This past month my core temperature has had some intense heat going on. So much so last night both Mike and I actually somehow heated up our flat with energy. No central heating on but at 4am it was 22 deg.C and it was actually colder during the day when the heating was on. We both lay in our separate beds with blankets off burning off the energy of transmutation taking place.

Mike is going through his own changes. He is expanding and going out into the world, socially. Prior to this, Mike went through a long period of aloneness, he went through the fire, so that he no longer 'needed' or depended on other people for his sense of value or worth and so now people, very loving caring people welcome him into their circles and life.

And so he goes out socially and I go into myself. Finding my own friendship from within. Sometimes it's easy, a lot of the time lately it has been a challenging gift - I can only feel and trust it is a gift that needs to be savoured and unwrapped at its own pace. Unfolding life, unfolding me.

Emptiness - The Path Of The Heart

2011-12-14T16:36:00.000Z

Zen - Emptiness - Wholeness - Heart

It seems the path of the heart is what we all genuinely desire, deep down within us.

Home, Source, God, Creator - whatever we name or label the energy that creates all things has always resided within us. Yet most of us have been so easily distracted by the trappings of the ego, the mind and the desire of the surface self, that we've missed out on the wisdom of the deeper self. I know I have.

My own desires ranged from wanting my own home, car, relationship and the typical life society had me believe I wanted, to letting that all go and letting myself want what I felt I really wanted. To travel the globe, independently.

While travelling still appeals to me I see what I genuinely want and desire. I am starting to see what my soul desires, what my God-Self within me desires to experience in this lifetime. A return home - to my heart.

Love.

It's funny as most paths talk about love and re-connecting with the spirit. And then we have the whole Law of Attraction bandwagon which I got caught up on for a long time. To me the Law of Attraction bandwagon, (Abraham Hicks and other such teachers) has taken us away from the essence of our souls' desires. It has concentrated on the material plane. The car, the house, the outer relationship, the holidays, the money, the new clothes etc etc... all rather pleasant distractions and yet as humans these distractions fall short. We always 'want' more and more and more..... And we con ourselves through such teachings to believe its okay to want - in this way. It's okay to get happy, get the 'stuff' we want and then send forth another desire and another and another. Yet to me we are all missing the point completely. We do not need the more the more the more... when the more we have been seeking resides within our own hearts.

I personally feel that these teachings are missing LOVE - the centre of our being. Happiness does not come from what we want, it comes from who we are. And it is very difficult to make peace with who we are if we distract ourselves with constant attention on the outer.

Instead of distracting ourselves from unpleasant experiences to focus on those 'wants', we need to focus on those experiences within us. We need to bring the pain, the suffering, the anger that arises (that is not who we are but is a conditioned energy arising forth) and center it within our own being.

When anger, upset, sadness, doubt, fear arises.... instead of distracting, welcome it in.

Many many moons ago somebody told me this and I never did fully understand the importance of doing this until now. I remember having what I called an anxiety attack and she told me that God loved the anxiety and to welcome it into me. I thought I must fix the anxiety. Get rid of it at all costs. And anyone with anxiety arising will know fine well that it cannot be done. So over this past month with the help of a book I have been reading I am learning to say welcome to ALL feelings that arise.

The book I am reading speaks about how we all treat the feelings and thoughts that we don't like, like bastard children. When instead we need to start taking care of those feelings within our own heart and wrapping them in what love we have within us.

My most dominant intent now is not the money, the big house, the travels - while my mind, ego and surface self still likes the ideas of these things, but to experience loving. To increase the opening and expansion of my heart so love flows through me. Not attached to anyone but just flows. To experience the wisdom within me, the peace within me and the balance of power - within me.

As humans, many of us are so afraid of emptiness. We fill our lives, our heads and our time with stuff, thoughts, people, activities, dramas - anything to fill the empty void. Yet how many of us have allowed ourselves to linger in that void for long enough to experience what lies beyond the empty? When we get a sense of empty in our lives, most of the time we fill it with something, anything. An old belief system goes and we fill it with another one and so the cycle goes on.

Emptiness.

The ego brings up a lot of fear around this.

I know from my own experience this past week, my change in what I want in my life to experiencing love, has caused my ego to fight against it. Any little dramas it has been trying to find to latch onto to make important. Emptiness is the ego, the mind's greatest pain, greatest fear. So I am reminding myself that it is perfectly normal that all hell may break loose when a change in belief occurs. Especially when it means focusing on those things that are all inside and not outside at all.

The ego likes drama and when it can see the spirit beginning to expand and open from a soul level, it will do anything to keep a measure of control even if that that control means stress and upset.

So this Winter my bear-like qualities are really beginning to kick in. And I ask myself what wisdom lies within.

What do you feel your soul desire is?

Alone - Aloneness - Lonely - Seeking One's Own Light

2011-11-20T19:11:00.000Z

I wanted to write a short update for my blog.
So how am I doing right now?

Well - letting it all unfold. It is all I can do right now.

It's funny because all the things I used to do, all the behaviour or the choices I made, were choices made to make me feel better via feedback from the outside world. And as I allowed my life to unfold this past year, spending time alone, I still slipped back in to distracting myself with outer feedback, knowing deep down at some point in my journey that I must look to my own light, my own inner feedback for comfort, love, sustenance and awakening.

My soul's path has been calling me, calling me for the longest time back home - to me. If you check out previous blog entries this past year (see below) you will see how my journey has been calling me to my own light.

The thing is I don't feel that any of us can truly see our own light until we have let go of all the needs we have pointing outwards, seeking relief and fulfilment. If you have a spouse or lover that you look to for love, comfort and upliftment, your need is pointing in that direction. If you have your own business, if you're an artist, a writer and you share your work - if you wait for the outer feedback to bring you relief, to make you feel better, feel good, your need is pointing outwards, seeking relief and fulfilment.

You belong to a group, on-line or in physical, you belong, you nurture one another, you pat one another's backs, you stroke one another's egos, you soothe one another, love one another, all okay. BUT if you 'need' that, your need is pointing outwards, again seeking relief, which can never come from outside of yourself. The only source of relief and comfort and fulfillment is within you.

How many times do you check Facebook a day? Twitter? waiting for comments on your status, your photos, your videos? have you ever asked yourself why you do this? Many people probably don't, because the reality of it would be too uncomfortable to consider. If you need this feedback you are still looking to others to validate who you are, to validate your reason for living.

I know all of this because I have lived it. I know all of this because I have been there and bought the t-shirt. I know all of this because I am still coming out of this way of being. I realise I have had this artificial drip feeding me on a daily, weekly basis for most of my life. I had not really questioned this drip, properly, until now. It is not an easy drip to unplug from.

When we begin to take the drip out it can hurt like hell! Because all of the social lubrication (my friend Mike's term) was masking and hiding who we truly are - from ourselves.

Any repressed grief, suffering, pain, fear, hurt can temporarily be soothed by being fed by the social drip (or the food, drink, drugs, money, sex drip). It pays to remember, it's temporary.

For me I could not see this drip when I was immersed in the social stratosphere of life. I had to completely unplug from 'conventional' society and life. In effect I took the red pill (aka The Matrix movie) and I began to see the illusions I had been hiding from myself for so long.

I am in the beginning of un-plugging. I feel I gradually un-plugged a little this past year. By leaving my job, beginning to accept my unconventional life and thinking and living with a wise man in his 70's, I started to unhook.

I have no answers on what it feels like to experience my own light. What I thought was my light in the past was not 'my light': it was my light given to me in the reflection from others - via feedback from the outside world. Via outer validation.

My ego likes to think it's still in charge, even as I write this blog entry. It is telling me "Kelly - if you just do this (eat, join a group, get involved in society) you will find that light". And I say NO! This time it will not work. I tried all the social lubrication. No friends, no religion, no travelling, no ritual will fill the void that is not a void at all - it is where my true essence, my true spirit, resides. Only silence, only being - not doing, can bring me home to who I truly am now.

Is it easy? Hell NO. In fact it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done on my spiritual journey so far. Yet being alone, experiencing loneliness and letting myself feel the darkness of the void can feel terrifying, painful and plain crap. I still have eyes and ears. I still look out from this physical body and see people belonging, connecting, socialising, interacting, distracting and I think maybe I should have taken the blue pill of social illusion and it would have been easy. I obviously did not opt for the easy path. I did however opt for the most soul expansive, enriching life experience, full of awareness, vivid colour and deep unknowns.

I did not opt for the 'known' the comfortable, the belonging, that outwardly looks an easier path and I could not turn back and follow the old Kelly route through life. I have changed too much to do this.

So here I am. Alone. All - One. Sometimes loneliness arises, deeply. Sometimes peace arises, deeply. I know it's a process and I cannot rush through it, or plough my way to answers, understanding or awakening. I cannot even have expectations of awakening. I cannot expect anything from removing the drip. My ego fears this. My ego sees the great unknown as death. As nothing. And it is death, but it's not nothing - it's no-thing.

Without attachments, hooks, reflections giving me feedback and validating me, my ego has nothing to control. The ego needs social lubrication in its many forms and so to the ego my current path is death.

So, this is where I am, right now. Living.

Earlier Related Blogs:
Validation
The Doorway Within
Sovereign Solitude
Trust
Thriving As An Outsider

A dear friend who occasionally posts here posted this quote on her site this week (see : Darkest Of Nights )

“A day will come when you will be stirred by unexpected events. A part of you will die and you will begin to search for the elixir that will bring this part of you back to life. You will seek the elixir in friends, lovers, enemies, books, religions, foreign countries, hero’s, songs, rituals and jobs, but no matter where you look the treasure will evade you. All will seem lost and you will lose all hope that this magic potion even exists. This will be the darkest of nights and promises certain death will lead you to the abyss of despair. But staring into the abyss you will see the dim light of your own illumined soul. Your radiance will transform the abyss into the elusive elixir of life and for the first time you will realize that all the while it is your own light that you’ve been searching for.” ~Jackson Kiddard

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

2011-11-15T17:37:00.004Z

"When life is empty of this and that,

The more we hold on, the less we catch,

The life we once had, the life we once dreamed,

Falls by the wayside and is not what it seemed."

- Kelly Martin, 2011

How many of us reach a crossroads in our lives and recognise the scenery, but notice instead of reaching the winning square, we've been transported back to square one ?

Not backwards, not even forwards, yet up and around to another level of awareness.

Life can be likened to a spiral, many people say an onion where we peel back the layers. The onion signifies peeling back and eventually getting to the core. The spiral feels more like my journey right now and turning back on my path yet not actually going back.

Different levels of experiencing.

Sometimes in life we hide our deepest darkest secrets behind a mask, many a time from ourselves. I feel I have been doing this for some time. It's like my whole life has led me back to this one place - me. I could travel the whole world and miss 'this'. I could fill my life with this and that and miss 'this'. I could have all the money in the world and use it to miss 'this'.

My life could be full of people, events, social occasions, technology, love making, romance, food, drink, drugs and I would miss 'this'.

What is the 'this' that I would miss?

The secret that I have discovered inside my feelings is that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places my entire life.

This past year has been immense. Not only have I left the conventional behind (the job, the drama, the distractions, the people), but I've spent over a year exploring nature, exploring me - primarily on my own.

I have one friend Sharon whom I see occasionally, and my best friend Mike with whom I live. Mike who has filled a void where my father's death left me. Mike, who filled the void where love was not. Mike has been one of the few people I have met in my life who is truly unconditional with his love. Even through tough times he has opened his heart to me, showered me with his immense wisdom and held me in his arms when life felt too difficult to handle. And so life in all its wondrous delights and twists and turns gave me an opportunity this month.

Mike, my one last void filler, has been invited to expand his social circle. In the course of 2 weeks his life has gone from being quiet and uneventful to making new friends, learning new things and spending a lot more time out of our home. And while nothing has changed in my outer life, EVERYTHING has changed internally for me.

I have been cleaning my flat like crazy; an insistent urge to clear the decks, to make space in my home environment. I have been practising Feng Shui (see here) and I knew that once the urge to clean and clear started, some changes would take place. I did not realise the change would be with Michael outwardly and me inwardly. Feng Shui has me polishing mirrors (cleaning how I see myself), removing dirt from corners I had not looked at before (removing the dirt from my eyes so I can see) and strengthening different areas of my life.

Feng Shui has become a big reflection of my inner world. While I had been focusing more on wealth and bringing prosperity into my life, I had overly focused on this area before Feng Shui, and Feng Shui is teaching me to bring balance to all areas of my inner world. My flat is now divided into directions representing wealth, prosperity, career, spirituality, creativity, mother/feminine, father/masculine, how people see me, etc., etc... It is amazing how seeking the symbolism in our homes can affect our inner experience and then affect outer change.

One major aspect I changed was the North West quadrant of my flat. This represents the masculine, the man, the strength. And so this is where Mike sleeps and I have placed a mountain image behind him and placed a light in that area;. I have placed crystals and iron pyrites there. Mike's shifts took place only a week or so after I made these changes. My changes have been more on an emotional level.

Since Mike has been going out more, suddenly (even though Mike worked 7 nights a week for about two years a few years back), his absence was felt on a whole different level. I had this sudden immense grief return. I felt this intense feeling of loss, that I was losing him, that I am losing him. Even though intellectually I know I never owned him and he was never mine to lose, my heart has felt cracked open with grief.

Just today he was out practising Tai Chi with his new friends and he was out for around 6 hours. He sent me a message on my phone saying he would be about an hour later than expected. My immediate response? I burst into tears.

Talk about intellectually irrational, completely out of context of the changes taking place, but I feel that my inner child, my inner being, knows these changes are different and are taking place on a different level.

I am losing him. The void he filled where I felt I was not able to love myself or give me what I needed is being emptied - of him. AND this has not been the easiest time for me. Hence why I have taken a hiatus from Facebook chatting. I need time to process and understand what is going on for me and understand what it is I need now.

What I have mainly been doing is cleaning my flat more and spending time just 'being'. Not doing anything at all. Being with myself. No activity, no internet, no TV, no music, no painting, no walking. Just sitting and lying on my bed. Not all day but for about an hour or two a day. And this has brought me to the awareness of where I have been looking for love.

I guess I never had any practice of giving myself what I needed in my life. My parents gave me money and food and loved me in their own way. Alcohol filled a hole, food filled a hole, drama filled a hole, busyness filled a hole. I was for most of my life desperately looking to others to love me. I so much wanted people to love me because I felt this gaping hole where love was needed: not from others, or from things, but from me.

First I went to girlfriends who were never able to fill that hole. Friends never filled that void. Always in the past, I attracted girlfriends who were unavailable emotionally or physically. Or, on the rare occasion, I found a friend whom I loved with all my heart, but felt (and understandably so because it was true) my neediness, my desperate need for them to give me what I needed to give myself. So I have spent many years with few friends I could get intimately close with, because they did not give me what I needed - and they never could.

And so, back to today. Back to square one. I cannot look to others to give me love any more. They can't and they never could. I can't look to money or stuff to fill the void ever again - it can't and it never will. I cannot look for 'attention' from others for my art, my writing, my speaking, my anything!! Again - because it cannot fill this void. Only love can. Only love from source. From the reservoir within me that I am yet to discover.

But I am on the path now. Being aware is the first initial step. Being aware of my behaviour, my actions and the way I have sought love for so long from others.

While I am experiencing periods of intense loneliness right now, while Mike moves away from me, and begins to leave my heart centre, I am reminded that this void can no longer be filled from outside sources and it never could.

This is only the beginning. Let love lead the way.

On Being Raw, Authentic, Controversial And Challenging

2011-11-12T13:19:00.001Z

After grappling with something this week I recognised that it is time to be proud of my uniqueness. I browse around countless other sites on-line, blogs, websites, You Tube channels, Facebook pages etc etc.. and I sit and wonder: "Why do they have so many followers? What do they do that I do not?" And so it began, a thought process.

Mike helped me understand some of it this morning. He said when he was teaching (he taught maths and physics for 15 years at an all-boys' school) he remembers two groups of boys' names : the boys who were labelled 'naughty' and the boys that were labelled 'smart and good'. All of the boys in between blurred into one big fog. Now while the 'good' boys and 'bad' boys were remembered, it is the fog that most people teach to. In other words to gain 'followers' one has to be:

a) Likeable
b) Informative
c) Offer something the masses want and need and
d) Comfortably sit in a place that is easy and fits in with what niche or group it is.

I realise, well I have realised for a long time, my writing does not fit in with the norm. And I am not speaking of the norm in terms of mass consciousness, but also in terms of 'new age' teachings or spiritual material. I am often bluntly honest, incredibly raw and open about what is going on inside my inner world. For many this could feel uncomfortable and to some, my ways of seeing the world are too far out and challenging.

It's okay. I am coming to adapt to standing on my own because I can be no-one other than myself.

I did consider and researched "What can I do to bring in more followers?". The usual rules applied.

See what people want.
Give people what they need and ask for.
Be upbeat and positive.

And most of the time it appeared to be about selling and marketing oneself.

Last night I watched a documentary on the group 'Pearl Jam'. One of my favourite groups as a teenager and what interested me about them is that they did not sell out to the commercialism of the music industry. They even took on the ticket seller Ticket-Master. They could have done things the way they have always been done in the music industry (e.g. followed what the music contract says to do, upped prices, made live events the same every time, the list of music they play on tour to be in order) but they didn't. They followed what was right for them. And in doing so they kept who they were intact. Their music is still fresh; they are always changing and someone said on the documentary how Pearl Jam are the most predictably unpredictable.

I often take a look at my You Tube channel and look at other people's channels. They have a lot of followers and they use the American style of selling the sizzle not the steak. All 'Va va va voom!' and loud, fast voices, championing you to feel what they feel. And while occasionally I feel that way, that level of energy for me personally cannot be sustained for long and I imagine it cannot be sustained by many.

I write what I feel, not what I feel will make people feel good or what the majority of people want to read. Which may seem crazy to any marketing guru. Maybe in the future I will feel inspired to expand in that way but now it feels totally alien to me.

Some marketing bloggers recommend going to lots and lots of blogs each week and keep commenting on the blogs and how this is the best way of getting followers and people to comment on your blog. This may be the case, but in all honesty, I cannot trawl the Internet to find blogs I love just to get people to come to my blog. If I come across a blog I like it's often by 'accident' or interest. Not for any particular purpose.

I used to participate a great deal on forums on-line. Huge forums. It was when I really felt the need to belong and to understand what was awakening in me, spiritually speaking. They were mainly forums about angels, guides, healing etc etc.. It was wonderful while it lasted but I always had thoughts that opposed even those groups, so I left eventually. Those forums would be great avenues to 'get' followers right now, but I just have not got it in me to do this.

So what I am trying to say here is that this is my affirmation of uniqueness. That to challenge, to be authentic, to be honest, to be transparent and to express rawness takes courage and the willingness to step away from the crowd. It is not always easy but there is nothing else I can do except be who I am.

I used to love the sizzle. It boosted me for some time (an example is following the Abraham Hicks' teachings). But before long I felt something amiss and began to question the sizzle. I am glad I did.

Are you more interested in the sizzle or the steak?

How important is authenticity to you?

Ethically speaking if you see someone on a video or at a conference boosting everyone with the sizzle, are you able to step back and assess the substance behind the sizzle?

I look forward to your responses.

The Pendulum Swings : Accepting & Appreciating Your 'Negative' Traits

2011-10-31T17:44:00.002Z

Are you bossy? Controlling? Manipulative? Arrogant? Patronising? Sarcastic? Naughty? Rebellious?..

When you berate yourself for these qualities did you know that you're imposing limits on yourself?

Have you considered certain personality traits deemed as flaws or weaknesses simply require your loving acceptance?

Have you ever met a person who doesn't give a damn what anybody else thinks of them? 'Flaws' and all? How freeing.

I have a friend who has a lot of sage advice. He doesn't care what people think of him and people often call him arrogant (mainly those who want to be right). He laughs this off and he accepts his 'flaws' and doesn't feel the need to change them any more.

How many of us have spent years on the self-help /spiritual path 'trying' to fix those flaws? Wash those demons out? I know I did for the longest time. Until I started living with my arrogant friend (smile).

I began to realise that if I were to accept and move towards loving who I am, I must accept 'all' of who I am. This doesn't mean trying to change but learning to thrive and relish my personality quirks and to find the positive in them.

This is not to say that the quirks won't ever change, they may well do, but they will do so naturally of their own accord, as and when it's necessary or needed.

Some examples of my quirks; I have been called a bossy bitch on many occasions by family and friends, and I used to think it was a bad thing, so I berated and beat myself up for having this quirk. I now view my 'inner bossy' as my inbuilt need to be in charge of my life, my independent streak, my divine right to be selfish and want what I want in life.

I am finally accepting I don't like working with people. I could not work in partnership with anyone right now. Things may shift in the future but now I like things 'my way'. When I was employed by businesses in the past I hated doing what other people wanted. Always an independent self-employed me striving to open the door and be my authentic self. Most of the time people didn't live up to my expectations (because I did not live up to my expectations of living my truth and being my authentic self). Team-work was not for me. I work better alone and I thrive. So my 'bossy self' is beautiful, significant and valuable.

What inner 'negative' do you have that could do with some serious acceptance?

Another personality quirk of mine is manipulation when in relationships. I used to beat myself up over this also but I now recognise it as simply amplified creativity. My pendulum has swung in one direction but also I know where this comes from - the same core. The desire to be my own person, have and do what I want.

Some of the self-help industry and even 'spiritual' teachers have been sharing false beliefs about who we are. Our past, our teachers, our parents and society's conditioning where people waved disapproving fingers at us as children cemented within us the wrongness of natural quirks. Compare this to the smiling and the pats on the back we received when our behaviour was 'good'. This makes all the difference to which way the internal pendulum swings.

We have been indoctrinated to be 'good' and as a result the petulant, pouting, angry, bossy, manupulative (whatever quirks you may have) have been buried by many of us. And like anything shovelled under the carpet eventually it will turn up again, often bigger and stronger. With no outlet it can become extreme or be repressed so badly that it causes health issues, depression and other kinds of stress.

This conditioning that most of us have received makes our inner pendulum swing so strongly in one direction. And if the critical grown-ups of our past (or present) had not praised the 'good' a natural balance and outlet for this energy would have taken place internally.

And so my challenge to you (and to me) is to let your quirks show up, allow them the opportunity to flow, take the cork out of those repressed 'wrong' emotions and express them. Not necessarily at others (but if you have a great friend who lets you - this is very supportive) but in some way - be it small at first. Take it easy as some of those traits may have been deeply buried for so long.

Over time, if they need to settle down so that your emotional dial is turned down or your pendulum is coming to the middle again, it will happen, naturally.

No force. No fixing. No trying to change who you are.

No more beating yourself up for being what conditioning has created within you. Let that caged bird sing and spread your wings and fly.

(If you liked this post you may want to check out this earlier post written in 2007 called Divinely Selfish)

Painting My World - Looking Out The Window At The Canvas Of Life

2011-10-24T11:17:00.000+01:00

Do you realise how much you paint this life you live? While I followed the law of attraction, create your reality, for a long time, nothing has come close to explaining the meaning of life until recently.

As I mentioned in my blog entry 'On Being A Victim - The Larger Perspective', this reality of form is an illusion of the senses. The picture is far wider, far bigger than I ever imagined. I had an inkling that life was limitless but I did not understand what exactly this meant. I had been pondering for a long time: 'What would I be without this body?' and I got back that I would be energy, pure energy, possibly light, much like the rays of the sun. And this train of thought has led to hundreds of questions. The more I ponder the more questions I have. The answers cannot be pinned down or held onto; they can only drift in and out as we open up more.

In the law of attraction and the create your reality teachings available, we would be encouraged to envision the life we want in pictures and feelings, imagining a world we would like to experience. Some may want a new car or house, some a relationship or more money; the list is endless on human desire yet the purest understanding I got from all of this was that desires are empty of substance when we are unable to make the most of where we are in the here and now.

The message I'm receiving a lot lately is that of gentle integration, gentle change, small incremental steps in my life unfolding and my world expanding. It is so easy to get on the bandwagon of 'wanting' and listing all the things I want or desire in my world, but I realise, looking back at my list of previous desires, that they will come as needed. And this need is a deeper experience of life.

I was pondering money this week. Would I like a million pounds? Intellectually? Yes. Wanting? Yes. Needing - right now? No.

What feels easy, what feels open, what feels ready, blossoms and flows into our world. It's a game of play. We play with experiencing. What does it feel like to receive £100 or less? What am I open to changing in my world? How would I feel if a million came right now? Am I ready to experience a 'little' change? And as I experience a little change I can practice getting used to the new and at some stage I may decide to experience a little more change. It's incremental. It's gentle penetration.

So many lottery winners may be on the wavelength of a million pounds and receive a million pounds. They may also (like many) be unprepared for this huge change in their lives. And so fulfil any old dramas of lack by spending it quickly and getting it out of their hands. The need they may be fulfilling is to experience loss, or to experience change and all the emotions and physical changes along this track. The big win was a vehicle for their own expansion in whatever way is perfect for them. It was probably nothing to do with the money - or the illusion of money.

On my walk today I had some difficult questions arising. If this world is an illusion - if this grass beneath my feet is not really there, but is a manifestation of form projected from pure consciousness - how can I love the illusion of this world? And my answer was play. The world - my world - is different from your world. What I see through my eyes and feel through my senses is completely different from anyone else's experience. The colours are different, the smells are different. What I enjoy, what I don't enjoy - all different. And so I choose to see my world as a canvas. I love art; I love painting. So instead of worrying about how to love the illusion that is not real, I choose to paint my canvas.

It is exciting to realise that this world through these eyes was painted by the purity of my being. Even these eyes are part of the painting. Without these fingers I would not be able to transmit these feelings into words on this page. This form, this body, this room, the window I see looking out towards the trees outside - one fantastically huge and limitless painting. A three-dimensional, form-filled world.

My question is - what is on my canvas that needs maybe painting out? What needs to be added to my canvas with my inner paintbrush? What am I ready to see and experience in my world?

A little while ago I was watching a video by a woman who calls herself Goddess Leonie (of Goddessguidebook.com). She was talking about art and those paintings you may hate or really don't like. She said do not throw the painting away. Just sit with it or be with it and discover what it is in the painting that you don't like. I found it fascinating that my art highlights what I am not ready to face or experience. And the same goes with the world I am painting.

I painted a vision-painting a little while back and the bottom left hand corner was changed many times over. I had painted a dolphin and it never looked right so I painted it out. I knew that this resistance to this aspect of my vision was not ready to be revealed and so I just let it go until one day I just knew I was to paint a butterfly there. It completed the picture. I did not feel anymore resistance to this new vision or landscape of my life. And once it was complete my life made me let it go. That particular vision of life. And so, instead of envisioning a new future for myself I have spent time placing my attention here - right now.

After taking down all the images and removing all the books related to this vision - I cried my heart out. I was grieving for the loss of the future vision but I am so very glad now that I let it go. The vision is still in my heart yet I know when I am ready to paint that picture into my world I will pick up my paintbrush and paint.

I love to look at my world now and see all the characters and people in it that I painted in. I have so much to learn on this and so much to become aware of. Some characters I want to paint out but I know that just as with my dolphin painting I will paint them out when I really truly 'need' to, on every single level of my being.

Angels, Guides & Ascended Masters - An Illusion

2011-10-22T10:56:00.002+01:00

(ChrisJohnBeckett-flikr - creative commons)

This post was inspired by Matt Khan (see Unmasking the Veil). His video on You Tube made me consider the spiritual experiences I had over 10 years ago in more depth.

When I was fairly new to spirit and psychic experiences I was practising a lot of Reiki (Reiki is said to be a Japanese form of healing energy channelled through someone. I tend to see Reiki as simply energy that is focused through the body) and one evening I lay in bed and was pondering what angels, guides and ascended masters are. A question that kept arising was "are they more evolved/higher than me?" And at the bottom of my bed I saw an angel, a guide and an ascended master. They merged. I then realised they are all one energy and different frequencies of light.

Since watching Matt Khan's video and some realisations since (see On Being A Victim - A Larger Perspective) I have been blown away by the possibility/probability that angels etc. could be that which I am becoming. In understanding this further - angels, guides, masters are who I am.

For a long time I had this intellectual understanding that we are one, but Matt's words put a whole new understanding on this topic for me. It really opened my eyes WIDE.

Mother Mary, Jesus, Angels, Guides to me are labels we give for different experiences of light energy. To my human experience Mother Mary could be nurturing mother energy (to another a whole new world of experience); Archangel Michael could be strength, masculine and powerful communication, all my unique interpretation of light. But to recognise they are all a part of my life movie, actors in my show, all pure representations of externally perceived energy and are all that 'I Am', highlighting what 'I' am becoming is amazing to me and very exciting.

This entire opening of my vision is bringing forth more and more questions which leaves me with my jaw dropped open yet breathtakingly wonderful.

To realise that the energy I see in my room at night (I see white light coming over me, sometimes blue), which I once thought of as my guardian angel, may actually be me, soothing me, nurturing me, inspiring me, reminding me of who I am, is so WOW! its difficult to describe.

For a couple of years now I have had fewer what could be termed 'psychic' experiences than I ever did in the beginning of my conscious spiritual journey. It feels like those unexplained phenomena, those out of this world experiences, are becoming so natural and normal they do not even register on my inner radar any more. Once upon a time I had felt my guides had deserted me and left me all alone on this planet Earth, but now I realise they did not leave, they were never gone - I was never gone.

For a while, on my spiritual journey, I needed to externally represent my own self as a guiding light through spiritual guides and masters and angels because of a lack of faith in my own divine light.

When we feel the need to trust in a higher power, it tends to be because we don't believe we have that same power, that same guiding light within us, so we externally project a power 'out there'. This is necessary for as long as we need it until we begin to open our eyes to an even bigger picture of life.

For some it is Jesus, for some Buddha, Angels - many different faiths project this inner power, inner creator that we are - 'out there' into form. When in essence guides, angels, Jesus, Buddha are without physical form. They are pure energy - pure light - pure frequency.

They have no end to that form. No Buddha boxed into a tidy package standing next to the human. Without form you, me, Buddha, Jesus, angels, guides and ascended masters belong - as One.

This veil of illusion laid upon our eyes lifts as we become aware of who we truly are.

An example of this illusion is a woman called Mother Amma. She is known throughout the world as the Hugging Saint. She is a physical human but some believe she is an ascended master having a physical experience. She is able to hug thousands of people a day and not tire. It was written somewhere that somebody tried to poison her and unlike many humans she simply transmuted the energy of that intention from the human who gave it to her. She sees past the illusion of form.

I met Mother Amma on one of her visits to the UK. I queued up for a hug and I knew something was different about her. She hugged me and whispered something in my ear and hugged me twice. I felt she spoke a frequency of light into my human ears that lit up something inside me that began to lift the veil from my eyes. I felt myself (what I knew of myself) dissolve. I felt what can only be described as bliss. Time stopped (the illusion of time) and I felt pure without body. How I imagine she may feel, seeing beyond physical to the purest frequency we humans label love.

Mother Amma (much like Jesus is said to have been) has hugged people and many have had burdens lifted. She sees the pure spirit energy and in many ways her love reminds the human of who they really are. Whole.

This world is open - wide open now.

Can you see the illusions lifting from your eyes now?

On Being A Victim - A Larger Perspective

2011-10-19T17:54:00.011+01:00

This morning I had some old drama creep into my mind and I ran the train of thought until I was in panic mode. I won't go into details but it really put things into perspective regarding the bigger picture of life.

None of us are victims - we are not powerless to circumstances - we are not dis-empowered by people 'out there'.

No road is available to us unless we put it there in the first place.

I had a long walk today (around 3 hours), through ploughed, raw, open fields. The crops were gone; the soil had been turned. It was cold, the wind was blowing and I walked myself back into my power place. Within myself.

As I walked I reminded myself, what I see through these eyes is a movie of my own making.

Nothing can be in my movie without my say so,
or without my desire or need for it to be there. This could be drama, 'issues', joy, beauty - all of it. And so I considered this morning-drama and realised the players in the drama who 'I' had made out to be the bad guys were only playing the role I gave them - they have played the role to perfection.

Often, dramas, struggles, suffering in our lives meet our inner need for these experiences. Mentally we may think we do not want these things in our lives yet we bring these actors to life to reinforce a game we are playing with ourselves. It may be the game of 'Poor Me' or the game of 'Victim', 'Martyr', 'Yes,but...' whatever the game may be, but it's a game and it's an aspect of the movie until we change the script.

And when I say change the script, it's not about affirming differently, or saying out loud, something other than what is - or even envisioning something other than what is. Instead become aware as you read this now; look at your computer. It would not be there unless you had it inside you. How magical are you? All the shapes and forms of the universe projected outward from consciousness as a TV, a person, a blade of grass. Infinite possibility is within every single one of us. I feel that the path of life is to become aware of the illusion presented through these eyes.

My strong feeling is that this body is a part of the movie also. And without the body we are pure energy or light. Nothing of the 'me I know' has an end. No tidy box fits this personality, this light, to make me separate from another box 'out there'.

I am in your movie right now. You could not be reading these words unless a part of you (that is me) decided to show up in your field of consciousness.

If your movie is not what it's cracked up to be, or is not fulfilling, you can change the movie. If you put a movie on your 'outer' TV that you did not like, you would press the stop button and watch something else or nothing at all for a while. It is the same with us humans. The aspect of consciousness reflected in the role of humanity.

Mother earth, water, the sun - who we are. We could not see this in our movie unless we wanted to.

There is a chant I like to sing when I go walking sometimes - it goes like this:

Earth my body,

Water my blood,

Air my breath,

Fire my spirit.

I wonder if earlier generations understood what spiritual circles are now realising and quantum physics is now revealing to us intellectually.

Earth - a body of consciousness.

Water - our body of clothing has water within it and within the blood.

Air - A reminder of our infinite spirit - no ending - no limits.

Fire - the Sun - Shows us our true nature.

I look at the Sun and I see a reminder I gave to myself when I put the veil of illusion across the eyes of my pure spirit. Take away my body and I am the pure light that I see in the sky.

Looking at life this way - victim is a word that is not possible.

What is the general theme of your movie? Is it a drama? A thriller? Adventure action? Is it a comedy? Colour? Black and white? Or all of these?

As the veil is lifted the movie changes.

What Is The Real 'New Year'?

2011-10-10T17:06:00.004+01:00

Lately I have been exploring more ancient practices like Wicca and also investigating the reason we celebrate certain times of the year.

Many celebrations in the West appear to revolve around Christianity, yet mask many ancient Pagan holidays that have been going a lot longer and then of course I was pondering New Year.

Since connecting more with the seasons and flowing with nature lately I am performing rituals and celebrations around the Moon cycle (connecting with the Goddess within) and the Pagan Sabbats*.

An upcoming Sabbat is that of Samhain (often known in the West as Halloween). In Pagan traditions Samhain is New Year's Eve and makes a lot more sense than the reasons behind the December 31st / 1st January New Year.

Samhain according to the book 'The Wiccan Way - A Path To Spirituality; Self- Development' by Sally Morningstar states:

"Samhain is the festival of remembering the ancestors, marking the end of the Celtic year and the dawning of the new year, and honours the last of the harvest festivals for the year just passing. The crops are in and the days become ever shorter and darker. Since this night ( October 31) rests on the threshold between the old and new year, it is considered to reside between the worlds. Thus, the veils that seperate spirit from matter are thinner and more easily crossed than at other times of year. This is an ideal night for divination as well as for remembrance."

To me this feels a more fitting dawn of a new year than the historic reason for the origin of our New y
Year. According to simpletoremember.com :

"In 46 B.C.E. the Roman emperor Julius Caesar first established January 1 as New Year’s day. Janus was the Roman god of doors and gates, and had two faces, one looking forward and one back. Caesar felt that the month named after this god (“January”) would be the appropriate “door” to the year. Caesar celebrated the first January 1 New Year by ordering the violent routing of revolutionary Jewish forces in the Galilee. Eyewitnesses say blood flowed in the streets. In later years, Roman pagans observed the New Year by engaging in drunken orgies—a ritual they believed constituted a personal re-enacting of the chaotic world that existed before the cosmos was ordered by the gods..."

So it began with violent routing. This does make me wonder why on earth we celebrate the above date?

It was later changed to March the 25th (see link for further info.) and then back to January 1st. Of course we cannot know for sure what happened in history, but if it is true I am going to celebrate New Years eve on October 31st - Samhain (Halloween).

And before I get on my soapbox about Halloween, what about the Chinese New Year? This is on February the 12th and is such an old tradition it is too old to be traced. Often seen as the spring festival it is deeply symbolic and spiritual (unlike our traditional Western version) and involves buying presents, decorating homes and prior to the New Year the Chinese clean their homes from top to bottom, clearing out bad energy so that only prosperity and good luck comes in for the New Year. They paint doors red and eat foods that symbolise prosperity, happiness and good luck. The host normally wears red. And like the West the sky is lit up by fireworks.

In addition (I love this idea!) they:

On the day itself, an ancient custom called Hong Bao, meaning Red Packet, takes place. This involves married couples giving children and unmarried adults money in red envelopes. Then the family begins to say greetings from door to door, first to their relatives and then their neighbours. Like the Western saying "let bygones be bygones," at Chinese New Year, grudges are very easily cast aside. The end of the New Year is marked by the Festival of Lanterns, which is a celebration with singing, dancing and lantern shows. (Chinese New Year - History)

And back to the concept of 'Halloween'. No-one really knows the origin of Halloween. It happens to be on the eve of a major Catholic festival All Saints (used to be known as 'all hallows' - hallow being an old word meaning Saint). Halloween in England was also known as mischief night. And of course this ties in with the ancient Pagan Sabbat of Samhain. Some say it is to do with the festival of the dead. However, neither the word Halloween or the date the 31st of October are mentioned in any anglo-saxon text which possibly indicates it was just an 'ordinary' day a thousand years ago.

So religious and Pagan beliefs inter-twined together mark this day in a rather confusing way. I would say many people do not even know what they are celebrating at Halloween. For example today I was in a shop making a purchase and saw all the plastic commercialism of this Halloween event celebrated in the UK. It has become more commercial as the celebrations in America cross the pond. People buy plastic lanterns, plastic skeletons, plastic webs with spiders. masks, costumes, and to most people it's a bit of fun. Children go trick-or-treating, dress up and go begging for sugary substances or more recently money (smile - yes I said begging - that's what they do).

The symbology of the objects people make and use during this time may symbolise the following (of which I knew nothing of as a child - and neither did my parents).

Jack-O-Lantern (carving turnips) - apparently a souling custom which was a way of remembering souls trapped in purgatory. Pumpkins were brought in to celebrate the end of the harvest but not related to the Halloween date until the late 19th century.

Trick-or-treating is similar to the medieval practice of souling where the poor would go door to door on November 1st, begging for food in exchange for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day (November 2nd).

And so it appears so many traditions, so many customs, so many reasons, so much information blurs the lines between what is real and what is not. It makes me realise how important it is for me to follow my intuition as it makes more sense than anything. And to follow the seasons of the planet makes more sense to me also. Take away all the blurring of lines between traditions and you are left with an inner celebration of whatever feels right for you.

Investigating these ancient traditions really makes me consider what I celebrate and why. Do you celebrate the new year with family and friends? And what time of year do you celebrate? Do you do it on a different date? What do you celebrate?

*Sabbat is a one of eight Pagan holidays celebrating particular seasonal changes throughout the year and the God/Goddess related to that Sabbat.

My recent video discussing Halloween:

A Fear Of Dying

2011-10-06T11:19:00.001+01:00

It is said the fear of dying is behind all fears and it probably is. Yet for 'me' it's not so much a fear of dying but more a fear of not living. I am writing this blog entry to objectify a rather unpleasant series of dreams I had last night. I dream very vividly, write them down and interpret them. This series felt like I needed to get them out of me to heal, balance and make peace.

In one of the dreams I was bitten on the finger by a spider. I woke up groaning as I really felt the spider's bite on my finger.

In the second dream I was in hospital. I was either given the news or already knew I was dying.
A woman came up to me and said she felt I should go for a walk outside. I told her it was a good idea but I would need to get my friends to come with me or else the nurse would not allow this. I also had this vivid feeling of gathering white candles together and writing inscriptions on them (something I have been doing lately in ritual during the equinox and moon cycles). I spent time looking for wrapping paper to wrap them in to give as gifts to friends and family so that when I was gone they could light them and the candles would remind them of me. I had an intention to give one to my friend Ruth who actually died recently (she was in her 60's). It was all very the end of life feeling and it felt really hard.

In another dream I dreamt I was in my Mother's bathroom up north. This is where my father died. I was shouting in anger to someone about the unfairness of it all. I was screaming that it was unfair that the universe had the ability to choose for me - when I would die and what about 'ME?!!'. I guess I meant the personality me I know, the me with all the experiences and memories etc etc.. I said how I would choose to have at least another 40 years or more and I was angry at being ripped from my body before I had experienced all the things I wanted to experience in life. This was really painful.

And in another dream (I think there was others lots more dreams) I was standing at the door and my landlord's wife came to the door (I thought it was my landlord's wife) and I realised it was not my landlord's wife but her daughter and she looked as old as her mother. She said to me "Kelly. do you want me to take you 'home'?" I told her no thanks as I wanted to walk home. I then started thinking in the dream why would she want to drive me home when I was already living in my home ?

So this morning I woke up a little watery, a little disturbed. Recognising the deepest fear arising at this time is the fear of missing out on life's plethora of experiences..

And yes, I am consciously aware that my 'mind/ego' knows not how to make the changes. It just likes to throw me those fears every now and again to keep me on my toes.

Now - right now - is where I am. Learning to appreciate my life as it is and this is probably a very big threat to the ego wanting to catapult my thoughts into the future. My ego shouting at me "You cannot enjoy NOW! What about the future! Are you planning on this existence forever! You will die unsatisfied and unfulfilled!". And so the ego would indeed die in those circumstances - the ego does die to the present moment - it has no hooks or lines to attach to. It is scary to embrace the perfect now moment and accept and trust life is in a constant state of change as nothing ever remains the same.

Looking Deeper Than Outward Appearances

2011-10-04T13:17:00.005+01:00

"...If you penetrate to the core of your existence you can see through the outer show of others. By presenting yourself as you really are, you can make them aware of the process you have been through, so they no longer have to hide themselves from you."

Changing Line 6 - The IChing - Frits Blok

Last night I had some thoughts show up about trust and how I feel about people. People in general. I realised most of the time I don't like or trust people. I like them when they are nice, supportive, giving me attention and friendship and I do not like them when my ego tells me they have rejected me, are ignoring me or judging me. And knowing that my 'outer world' is a mirror image of my 'inner world', it stings deeply to know how I must be feeling towards myself a lot of the time.

People to me seem like hard work. All this effort I must put in to get them to even pay attention. I inwardly smile inside when I realise my last statement is still the remnants of my 'people pleasing' days. I risk isolating myself further, pissing people off by saying this but it's how I often feel. It's that needing validation from outside myself again, rearing its ugly head.

After doing an IChing reading last night (hence the quote above) it was confirmed what was going on inside me. And I am always wanting to clear out the crap to make way for the fresh new inside me and let the love through. On the changing lines of the IChing it said how I felt people were out to get me and how I felt people are not to be trusted. It mentioned this was false and I understand it is - intellectually.

I wrote down some beliefs last night to share my process so that by stripping down my walls of facade I can show my true heart and in doing so feel a deepening connection to both myself and to others. Of course this blog entry may do the opposite but it's a risk I am willing to take.

The beliefs I now recognise are as follows:

I can't trust people.
People let you down.
People don't believe in me.
People forget about me.
People ignore me.
People don't care.

As I sat in bed last night I did some turnarounds from 'The Work' by Byron Katie and discovered perhaps the opposites are just as true.

I can trust people - I can't trust my thoughts - People can't trust me.

The last one hit home. People can only trust me if I lay it on the line where I am coming from and what is going on inside me. I realise from interactions on facebook, I notice those with good friendships put the time in to those friendships and I wonder why they don't speak to me hardly and I realise I do not put the effort in and I am unable to - at this time. I feel when I do 'try' to be loving and interested, it's a façade some of the time, and people must read through it, and see that I'm more interested in me.

I looked up the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder* a little while back because I felt someone I knew had it. And I noticed how many of the traits I had (possibly including inferiority complex). Perhaps to a lesser extent because I do feel a deep empathy for people and narcissists do not. I wonder how many people interact with other people to get attention or to get feedback or to get validation for who they truly are?

I consider the people with open hearts fortunate. Those with the ability to love others unconditionally blessed. And while I feel open-hearted to the natural world I realise that my old childhood programming and experiences leave my love for people a lot less.

Why am I the way I am? While I may not always be like this, and love the experience of connection with others, and relating from time to time, I want my heart to open more - most of all to me, because my outer world, the movie of my life, could not 'appear' the way it is without my inner world being slightly off balance.

Continuing through my turnarounds I discovered other possibilities:

People don't let me down - I let me down - I let people down.

Something in my heart slams shut when I begin to see a friendship or relationship forming because I have this program running that tells me "do not take the risk of letting someone in because they always reject me or disappear". My earlier experiences in childhood were my first friend being taken away to live somewhere else and most if not all of my friends from school 'sneaking' off with other girls. I was an outsider in the playground, often feeling isolated, not fitting into the group. Girls hung around in twos or threes and I was always the oddball number four.

It's funny that now, one of my only female friends in my area, told me recently how at school, her childhood was the same, always on the outside of groups of girls looking in. We are similar in many respects.

I also recognise that when I do meet a kindred spirit in terms of friendship I have latched onto them in the past. The deep need to be accepted and loved and to feel that loving female connection. I met a lovely lady a few months back from a group I was part of online, and we had a brilliant 6 hours just talking over lunch and I felt heard; it felt intimate, it felt like pure love. And I knew there and then that if she lived in my area I would lose myself in her, in our friendship. So I now know why I need to have an isolated experience of life, most of the time; seeing few people so I can get fully grounded in 'who I am' so I do not 'need' another to complete me.

She was so wise and said it would be easy to become dependent - as if she had read my mind.

I am not sure how to strike a balance in friendships - yet. I meet people both in the past and present (females) and I attract unavailable people into my life. I know why. It keeps me both safe and also gives me room to open my heart to me. I often envy the friendships of women who have known one another since childhood. They have deep friendships and are like family. I have never had that.

I, in all honesty, do not feel I am ready for that right now. I have a lot of grounding into me to do first.

And some of my traits I need to either come to terms with or change. For example being selfish and controlling and wanting people to be the way I want them to be to make 'me' happy (that was a statement that felt rather risky to mention). I often blame it on my Sun sign; i'm an Aries and apparently we are the first sign of the zodiac and our key statement is 'Me first!'. The child of the zodiac. But it's time to take responsibility here.

After talking with my ever-accepting, tolerant mentor Michael, I realise how I am in the process of developing my inner adult. He spoke to me recently about how we all have 3 aspects to who we are. We have the Parent, which can be either the soothing and nurturing parent or the critical parent. The critical parent beats up on the inner child. I always felt for the longest time I had not grown up into an adult and I understand why I felt this way. My inner adult was very weak for so long. Instead I had this critical parent beating up on my inner child and I also had this rebellious child running the show. My inner adult is much stronger now than it has ever been but I still have more growing into my grown-up shoes to do.

Back to my turnarounds:

People do believe in me - I don't believe in me - I don't believe in other people.

It would be lovely to feel other people genuinely believe in me. I find it hard to believe at this time. Because I have chosen to take time out exploring other avenues, not taking the solid, conventional employment route and fitting in with social norms. It feels like an ongoing process (I wanted to say battle because inside me it can often feel that way), to speak to myself, as an adult letting myself know that the choices I have made, the lifestyle I am living is perfect for who I am right now and what I need. My focus has to be strong to keep my inner child from being beaten up by my father's and society's old work ethic of working hard and struggling to make ends meet. So people believing in me?

Being on a new path that I have not walked before and even though life is unknown for everyone (even if they are in 9-5 job) my task right now is to believe in me. For if I believe in me it will not matter if others believe in me for I will not allow disapproval into my life from others anymore. And if I do come across disaproval it will not matter to me anymore.

Do I not believe in other people? I sometimes wonder how many people I know that are being authentic and real. Does the outer façade reveal the real person? Are they genuinely that 'together'? or like me, are they hiding their true face with a façade of outer appearances also?

I guess when you find it hard to believe in yourself, how can you believe in other people? it brings up anger when other people 'appear' to be succeeding , but in your own eyes through the programming of conditioned thinking, you are not. If I am to honestly look at myself now. I am succeeding. I am a perfect example of Kelly Martin. Travelling new paths, letting myself be seen, allowing myself to follow a path less followed and letting myself step aside from the conventional mainstream mass consciousness of society and live an in independant unique 'Kelly Path'.

And more turnarounds:

People don't forget about me - I forget about me - I forget about people

This first turnaround I cannot possible know for sure. So my thinking is very bogus in believing the opposite of this thought. But I realise I must forget about 'me'. I look outward to see who I am, when I need to look inward to see who I am. Must remember this.

I don't know if I forget about people but if I feel rejected or ignored I block them out - probably on an emotional level to protect myself from further hurt. And if I do this no wonder I feel they have forgotten me because I have sent out a clear signal to 'keep away'.

This is an ongoing process for me; to remove the façade, to reveal my true face. Perhaps in this blog entry I have gone some way to bringing any suffering up to the surface for examination. For anything unquestioned can rule our lives and the choices we make in our lives. But revealing those unacknowledged and perhaps hidden aspects of our ego and mind can allow us to bridge the gap between who we think we are and who we truly are.

*Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Basic Diagnosis of Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder Site)

You might recognize some of the 7 common traits of narcissism in a colleague, parent, child, spouse, or a friend:

An inability to listen to others, and a lack of awareness of another person’s deadlines, time frames, interests or perspectives.

An inability to admit wrongdoing - even sometimes when presented with objective evidence of their errors or behavior.

Coldness, or overly practical responses to interpersonal relationships; a sense of distance or matter-of-factness, emotionally.

Can be prone to severe bouts of anger, particularly if directions or orders are not followed.

Has the ability to write friends off forever, often over small or only ‘imaginary’ transgressions.

Pride in the accomplishments of children (if they have them), family members or friends, often combined with an overly developed desire for control over family members’ directions and activities.

An above average interest in social class and importance may also sometimes be seen.

Consumerism And The Recession

2011-09-20T16:31:00.000+01:00

So how did it get to this? Where people fill gaps where love could be? With the next Iphone, Ipad, designer clothes and labels galore? When did consumerism become the source of well-being people are looking for?

I know many people struggling with this recession and I know it is tough going for many people, but I see it as a huge wake-up call to get our priorities right.

When parents and entire families consume like swarms of flies the next 'best' thing, and families no longer spend time together, something is seriously wrong with society. When people mainly communicate with sons and daughters or partners through text messages, Facebook and the internet, something is wrong; and when people talk to one another on computer when they are in the next room something is seriously out of balance in the world.

This is why I feel that this recession is a good thing for some people in society.

Consumerism has, in my eyes, become a plague on the natural well-being of global society. This generation is feeling the effects of recession as a panic that they are unable to get the next technology or other material possession.

Possessions are beginning to possess people instead of the other way round.

The definition of poverty being termed as not having the next 'in' thing appals me. My best friend, who is in his 70's, tells me how society has changed, in that poverty in his generation was more about whether you could afford to eat or have shoes on your feet. Compare that to the panic and fear of the youths of the London riots, frightened of not belonging or fitting in without the latest Nike or Converse trainers, or for many the next smartphone. My friend's generation may have had identities based on a high work ethic and family values and now people base who they are on how much stuff they have.

This recession will be a wake up call to many. Many will not cope because the strength of their identity is based on all that 'stuff'. The 'lucky' ones will question their worth and hopefully discover a new sense of value and appreciation for the basics in life and spending money will become valued and deeply appreciated. And of course there are those who will keep up the level of consumerism (keeping the money flowing and the retail sectors going) through increasing loans and using credit cards.

I can only imagine life is like a pendulum. Right now we are swinging between the extremes of change. At one end are the consumer-driven, status-driven people who are buying stuff to fill the hole where love can be. And at the other end, those deeply experiencing poverty. AND both are experiencing poverty. One has 'stuff ' but is poor of heart, and the other does not have the 'stuff ' and feels lacking of the love they believe the 'stuff ' will bring. We all need to find a balance.

On my own spiritual journey I have swung between both extremes and I notice that the get rich quick schemes and the success coaches/channellers/create your reality teachers, are often encouraging the consumerism side of life and less of the love side. It's understandable as so many people in the West measure worth through money, status and possessions, so selling love doesn't sell as many bottoms on seats for those motivational speakers out there.

To me, money and material objects are only of value when we feel of worth, exactly as we are in the first place. If we feel lack-full prior to the 'stuff ' we will feel lack-full after the 'stuff ' arrives. So why not feel FULL of presence, FULL of soul, FULL of love and appreciation now?

After spending a week in a busy city (my birth city of Newcastle-upon-Tyne), last week, I recognise how much value I place on the simple things in my life. Nature, walking, pencils, pens, conversations with friends, stroking a cat, drinking a lovely warm coffee and breathing in fresh air. Money is something to be valued and deeply appreciated and for me, using it to 'experience' life is far more rewarding than gathering stuff.

Any stuff I gather is useful stuff. It adds to my life and brings rewards on a heart level. Does your stuff do the same?

How do you feel about the recession? Is it affecting you at all? How are you managing? And if you feel lacking do you fill your inner void with 'stuff '?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Do You Still Have The Explorers Heart?

2011-09-11T18:48:00.000+01:00

http://www.starbrightcreations.wordpress.com/

This week I realised my lovely ego was attempting to get me to run, leap and jump into the future me. It wanted me to be beyond where I was in that moment, to fly with creativity before I have my wings, and I listened for a little while. I asked myself do I want to be a 'professional' artist, right now? Sell my work.

OH YES! my ego said, we must! it gets us lots of lovely attention and we can then be 'defined' as a REAL ARTIST. Haha!

What defines a REAL ARTIST? Certainly not making a living from it and getting money. Some artists may make a lot of money making commercial art and they may not necessarily feel the creative, intuitive, heart centered flow they once felt as bright eyed and bushy tailed beginners.

Me, I want to continue being an explorer with an explorers heart. And in life, this constant need (by the ego/society) to race towards an imaginary finishing line is just plain bogus.

If you have an art, be it writing, painting, cooking, jewellery making, poetry, storytelling, dancing, singing.... (the list goes on) always keep that beginners mind. I have met many an arrogant teacher or 'expert' that is so fixed in the boundaries of their art or their subject they miss all the lovely things of life outside the box, through the doors often bypassed by tunnel vision.

Ask yourself if you were 10/20/ 30 years down the line as a teacher or 'expert' in your field could you teach a beginner with the same love and care you were once taught (or not)?

So many people on the spiritual path and in the teaching field forget what it was like to not know, to be uncertain and to experience doubt.

If you are a teacher do you look at beginners with contempt and frustration? or are you able to put your 'years' aside and embrace your beginners heart? your inner explorer of the new?

If I get arrogant and self righteous as I begin to feel confident in my art I am quite happy to have my ass kicked by anyone who can bring me down a peg or two so that I can remember what I have said here.

The ego likes to be better than other people (also it will take being less than others also) but it is us who choose what path we walk on.

Being wild, free and in the spirit of the newbie, beginner and explorer is a life embracing experience.

Never forget 'getting there' or 'making it' is not the goal. The goal is to enjoy every single step of living.

Do you still have the beginners mind or the explorers heart? or have you got a little stuck in your field of interest?

Check out this recent video I did on you tube:

Can You Be Happy Without Money?

2011-09-04T17:28:00.000+01:00

Can we, as humans in the West, be happy without money?

This is something I have been really questioning lately, mainly because life circumstances have led me to this path in life: "Can I be happy without all the 'stuff'?"

It's fairly easy to moan and complain about a lack of money but sometimes money is what money is. We either have it or we don't. We may have a lot, none or some. Most of the people I know have what I call 'not-enough-itis'. Even those that on the surface appear to have it all and spend as if shops are going to close down soon they still want more more more.

I don't know about you but I know I was brainwashed from childhood by the competitive nature of materialism. Even in the playground people with the new boots, shoes, bags... If you didn't have the new tassle boots (this was a fashion statement at one time) or the doc martens, you were out of the loop. Many of us valued ourselves from an early age through comparison with what other people had. And as we grew older the comparisons continued and they just got bigger.

Instead of comparing bags and boots it became houses and cars, mobile phones and TVs. Does money buy you happiness? Some say it does. Yet how many wealthy people do you see who are genuinely happy?

I feel money adds to already happy people. If you cannot feel happy when you are poor how can you feel happy when you are rich? All the stuff in the world does not buy family, friendship or love. Yet we don't seem to place these things into our value judgements of who we are.

This comparison culture is such a killer of self-confidence and esteem. I know I am still on the journey to releasing this in myself. Those that we may think have it all may also be comparing with others. Those with plenty of money, social status, career etc. etc.. may suffer loneliness. Those with a great social life may be frightened to be on their own for longer than a day. We all have feelings and we all have our own basis for measuring our worth.

What is your basis for worth?

I often think that if I lived on a desert island with only a good friend or two the suffering may be less. Fewer people to compare my life with. I remember when I gave a damn when I was single in the past I would get very annoyed when distant relatives at weddings or funerals would say "Kelly, so when are you getting married?" with a snigger. It used to infuriate me like I was 'less than' because I was not married in my twenties. Well I am in my thirties now and still not married and that side of life does not bother me whatsoever in the comparison stakes.

Now money. The process of loving self, of accepting self, is a journey I am taking right now. Creating new pathways in my mind, in my thinking process, so I am able to accept where I am, who I am and the direction I am choosing in life. One of the main things I am moving through is my feelings about money. Money seems such a big status thing in life. Of course money is needed to eat, have a roof over our heads and all the basic necessities of life but can we be happy living simply? Can I be happy living simply? I am on the path to find this out.

I found this quote this morning.

"If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy” ~Proverb.

What can money not buy?

Love - family - friendship - nature - beauty - sunshine - raindrops - health - relationships - imagination - creativity....

What would you add to this list?

My entire identity (or who I thought I was) is crumbling right now. My illusionary self. And I keep coming back to if I had all the money in the world would I be happy?

This is not saying I wouldn't like more money but why do I want more right now?

Is it because I am too scared to be happy - right now? As I am?

Can you imagine being rooted in your being, feeling enough as you are, right now, with what you have or haven't got and then money arrived on your doorstep. Wouldn't it be far more satisfying to have such a strong stable basis for your own worth and who you are now? For the money to simply add to that. Just think, unlike some of the wealthy folk, you could live a completely free life, never worrying if the money was going to run out because you would know you could be happy with or without money. What a real blessing.

So could you be happy without money ? (aside from basic necessities).

Directing Flow - Grabbing The Steering Wheel Of My Life

2011-08-25T18:06:00.001+01:00

A rather hefty revelation came today. The recognition that I have been waiting for direction from a God outside of myself (intellectually not 'getting' I am the one I have been waiting for). And that it is now time for me to create my direction. No voice has come to me this past year to move me forward. I am my own voice and now is the time.

Embracing LOST

2011-08-14T19:37:00.002+01:00

Hi Everyone,

I have missed blogging here but it just hasn't felt good for me to write my thoughts down publicly this past month and a bit. Lots has been going on, inside me.

A quick round up of the 'stuff'.

Acknowledged some deep childhood issues and making peace with the women in my life.
Allowing myself to re-connect with close family.
Letting the woman in me connect with other women.
Delved into Goddess spirituality and myself as a Goddess.

So the meaning of the title of this blog post reveals my current internal state.

I went from allowing my life to unfold to trying to catch up and run a marathon with people I perceived were doing far better than me in life. I went and I am still recovering from a deep case of the 'Comparing Crap'.

It has been nearly a year since I left my last job and while I have experienced solitude, embraced it: experienced loneliness, embraced that: Now it's time to embrace the feeling of LOST.

I read an article online recently about prosperity consciousness and how a woman who hit rock bottom, ended up living a rusty holey caravan and had pretty much nothing. She spoke about how she had nothing left to give, nothing left to try - to 'make' her life work, to make prosperity come into her life. So she saw that she had been running from poverty consciousness. Almost as if she ran fast enough, did enough affirmations, positive thinking, efforting through life, she could escape poverty - the feelings of poverty, primarily inwardly.

And so she imagined poverty as a child outside of herself and realised she could not run away anymore. To try and stave off poverty or lack feelings just brings more lack and poverty into focus. So she faced it and embraced it and her life changed.

I relate to this so much.

I am 35 in earth years and I have been 'trying' to:

Increase my self esteem and feel better about who I am.
Open my money/ prosperity door.
Get myself a purpose/talent/reason for me being here on this planet.

All absolutely fruitless, all have led me in a circle back to here, NOW. Again.

I realised I have been feeling hurried and rushed as if my earthly age means I must play catch up with all the younger or same age people as me with regards to what they are doing in life. I did the comparing crap and saw so many people moving forward in the direction of their dreams. I saw so many people on the career path and most of all I saw sooo many people KNOWING the DIRECTION they want to go in.

And I just tried, tried, and tried some more to do anything and everything I could to discover what my passion was in life. And I came upon wall after wall after wall.

So much so this week I dreamt I was in a department store and whole bunch of people (including me) were trying to get to the next room, or way out, and these glass walls kept coming down. They were like one of the gameshows on TV with obstacle courses. All of us could see through the glass where we wanted to be and the most revealing part of it was we stood in a line near the glass door and I found myself in racing pose, as if my foot was on the starting block waiting for the wall to go up and run as fast as I could forward. And frustratingly in the dream another wall came down just as quick.

I was told in a dream that I musn't try and run away from the feelings of feeling lost in life, that embracing LOST has something to teach me. It may seem a dark cavenous place, but in that dark is discovery and understanding.

So right now I am having to remind myself - it's okay to be lost.

It's okay to not know where I'm heading.

It's okay that I don't know what my passions are (my deep passions).

It's okay to embrace poverty consciousness and to not fear it and to not try to flee the feeling.

No amount of Law of Attraction, positive thinking is going to make that shift for me. In fact the very 'trying' to feel better and feel in a prosperous place is becoming detrimental to my own balance.

I am in recovery of ongoing stress and allowing the freedom of BEING LOST.

It's okay to not know. I am not a failure because I have not discovered who I am or what I am here to do. I don't need to be of service to the world. I understand this but the need to have something to get my teeth into, something that really stirs my soul, has been causing me a lot of problems.

I am letting myself understand I AM ENOUGH exactly as I am, right now. BUT, I am no longer going to 'try' and feel enough anymore. I cannot think my way through this process.

I cannot see the way forward or a brighter future.

Because I am not in that place right now.

And it is okay.

It is okay to be present with BEING LOST.

I guess I have been feeling so afraid to stop and let myself say :

"FUCK! I have no idea how I am going to (get money door open, go travelling, discover my passions, feel better about who I am) make things happen for me".

To acknowledge to the world this LOST place I am in right now.

I cannot be LOST without the ability to find myself again.

LOST

It's okay.

Shadow Totem Animals - Embracing The Fear Of Creatures In Nature

2011-06-30T20:56:00.005+01:00

For many years now I have been looking at my life symbolically and I am a strong believer in life, showing us what we need through the outer reflections we meet across our path.

After studying shamanism for a while now I love how nature reflects the lessons I am learning, the awareness that is arising and the power within me growing and expanding. And while many people believe and take an interest in animal totems and power animals (the energy/spirit of an animal that brings certain strengths from inside us out into the open) many may not recognise the powerful wisdom in the shadow totem.

The shadow totem is the animal, insect or creature that we are most afraid of and tends to represent our deepest fears and yet also brings great resources to us when we are able to fully embrace this creature.

In my past I had one main shadow totem which I was able to embrace a couple of years ago through using EFT (emotional freedom technique). It was the wasp (and the BEE) and I also had a repulsion to many of the creepy crawlers and bugs in the world. But wasp (And Bee) I used to have an extreme phobic reaction to. So much so if a wasp or bee came into my home I would scream for Michael as I was immobilised by fear. I literally cried in terror, unable to think straight. The small flying creature meant me no harm but it's very appearance brought out a completely irrational response in me.

Now many of you who know me will know I love bees now and I like and sometimes love wasp. I even wrote a piece recently on my newfound love of bees (See :Here). I have this immense fascination with being in close proximity with bees and wasps. I photograph them up close. I talk to them, sing to them; I simply adore them.

CopyrightKellyMartin2011

A far cry from my previous response.

Bee and wasp was a power inside me I was unwilling to integrate and embrace in my life.

My personal feelings about bees and wasps when I feared them : Wasp represented a fear of death, being killed, powerless and trapped. Bee represented a fear of the unusual, quirky part of me, the alien me, the unknown me.

On some sites it is said wasps represent order, organisation and communication. This would make sense because I was afraid of communicating my essential authentic self and here I am 'Kelly Martin Speaks' on both writing, speaking on you tube and through my creativity - all communication.

The wasp is also a master architect and solitary. So my initial fear of being on my own is lessening as I spend increased time alone, Thank you wasp.

Again, bees represent communication. So I intensely feared communicating who I really was back when I had the phobia and indeed this matches my experience since embracing them. I am now growing to love expressing my authentic self and in doing so love bee and learning to love wasp in the process.

From LinsDomain-Bee Totem :

Bees are the symbol of fertility and sexuality.

Its honeycomb, a hexagon, is the symbol of the heart and

represents the sweetness of life found within our own heart.

It is also the symbol of the sun and all its energies.

I love that bee is a miracle in itself for its simple flight process, specifically the bumble bee.

I also am in love with most of the creeper crawler species in the world now. And if a fly or bug lands on my skin I feel immense love to the point I cry tears of love and joy for this intimate connection with who I am.

Little God/Goddess crawling and flying.

Now I have one main shadow totem to embrace. It brings up feelings similar to that of wasp before I embraced it and it is COCKROACH. Even a mere photo of the roach makes me feel nauseous, my skin crawls and I flee the scene. And so I post a photo here in readiness of embracing this primal aspect of me that needs my love.

(Posting this made me feel sick and irrationally nervous, especially as I chose one of the larger species).

God/Goddess as COCKROACH.

This creature has great wisdom to teach me and amazing strength and power within me. To me cockroach (for what I feel at the moment more needs to unfold in my understanding) feels unclean (yet on reading about them they are not unclean at all, incredibly clean creatures) and the imagined sound of them gathering together and making noises brings up a lot for me. I have a feeling of what I am to embrace and it feels it is all to do with the changes I am opening to at this time in my life but for further info here is a little on cockroach.

From Lins domain (as above link)

The Cockroach teaches us how to use what we have available to us for survival.

To clean out the dead and useless aspects of our lives.

When the Cockroach appears as a totem,

our sensitivity to subtle changes will be magnified.

It appears it is about adaptibility, protection, being able to feel safe and being responsible for oneself. It also appears to be about being sensitive to changes in the environment. I am allowing this knowledge to come forth. Go easy on me cockroach lol!

All creatures we fear are aspects of our essential nature. If we are able to bring love where there is fear the world is our oyster. Life's vividness flows through us. I welcome this now. It is time.

What animals, creatures frighten you? and what do you feel they may be here to show you?

P.S: Since posting the image of cockroach the fear has lessened when I look at it. Great beginning.

Managing Anxiety & Fear Of Loss

2011-06-20T18:18:00.005+01:00

Sometimes life throws you internal curve balls and if something is not dealt with it simply becomes bigger and bigger until we have no choice but to deal with it. My curve ball is anxiety.

Anxiety has been an emotion that has been so familiar to me ever since I was a small child. My mother suffered from it, my father suffered from it, and I guess I did from an early age also. I learnt to be very afraid of life and experiences, most of all with this inbuilt training of being a worry monger, which has been quite excessive over the course of my life.

This past 9 months I have been managing it quite well, and beginning to enjoy the flow, but more recently as I have felt some changes taking place in me, and in my direction in life, the anxiety has been growing.
I guess my ego felt very threatened. I was feeling creative, flowing, unfolding, blessed and appreciative of life, and this being in the moment can feel like a big ass threat to the ego's need to control. So I tried to deflect it by focusing on other things and alas my physical body kept reflecting the anxiety back at me.

Normally I would say to others and to myself : "Feel your feelings", as I know well that resisting my feelings simply makes them stronger and bigger. So I did not listen to my own advice and panicked about the panic.

Anxiety, if you have never experienced it, can feel like you want to move and do something, but you may feel frozen with so much fear you are unable to even make physical movements. I liken it to being trapped inside my own body not able to move.

This past few days anxiety has been intensifying in me, mainly revolving around a really obsessive thought about my teeth and gums. And this is only one subject my mind has been using to get a sense of control.

Worry is a sense of control in someone who is anxious. In some strange way worrying can feel like an attempt to stave off a future that in the mind can feel incredibly terrifying. Worry and anxiety are all future feared ways of being, responding in the present moment as if you are experiencing the panic of a past experience also.

Those who experience anxiety may understand the symptoms. To me it can feel like an intense cold energy inside me, as if all the cells in my body are vibrating at minus 30 degees and prevent me from making clear judgements. The mind goes into freeze mode, the eyes take on this staring quality; everything feels frozen in time.

It can feel frustrating that the law of attraction brings similar thoughts to what we think also, because during bouts of intense anxiety the thoughts are extremely frightening and the emotional range is extremely strong, so getting out of the cycle of anxiety can sometimes feel like an uphill struggle.

My particular intensity arose a while back. I noticed my mind going in obsessive circles. There was 3-4 things it would latch onto, knowing it would keep me in a state of worry. First a fear of my hair falling out, second a fear of my teeth falling out and third 'floaters' that appeared in my eyes that made me extremely angry. The last one is skin issues arising on my face. These are all irrational fears.

False Evidence Appearing Real.

Now looking at my life always symbolically, I looked and questioned, what are they trying to tell me?

They are all the fear of loss.

Fear of losing hair

Fear of losing teeth

Fear of losing my sight.

Fear of losing my looks.

The hair and teeth came to me as a fear of losing my roots (roots of teeth/roots of hair) and the roots being the roots of a stable base in life, a comfort zone of the known in my life, the roots of my best friend Michael. The sight fear became a blockage in my view of life. And the looks thing came about as a fear of not living the life I desire before I get old and wrinkly.

These are all extremes and I am not sure if anyone reading this has similar fears but my mind has been using these fears to keep me frozen.

This morning the sun was shining and I felt unable to move. I lay in bed frozen in fear. Screaming for help, for an outside source (not believing in God, Goddess, Universe as within me). So I spoke to my Tiger painting (Tiger has been coming to me lately in dreams). And I realised all of this amplification of fear is here to highlight some big shifts needing to take place inside me.

The need to get back into the present moment and moreso to let go of the obsessive worrying about a future that has not happened. It is a challenge or rather encouragement from my inner self to face the fear of fear in general. For me to live a thriving full life I need to be in a position inside myself to engage and explore life from a strong centered place.

Before I set sail on my travelling adventures, before the universe brings me into this place of movement, this anxiety pattern needs to change and so I am here writing my feelings as a beginning to this change.

Many years ago I was offered anti-anxiety pills by the Doctor but it never ever felt right and it still doesn't. I am a very feeling orientated person and knowing that these tablets can sometimes cause peope to numb down there emotions which would not be right for me. I live intuitively through my emotions.

As far as I can see it, anxiety is overamplified excitement.

So where do I go with all of this?

I have in front of me a sleep aid herbal remedy with passionflower and valerian in it. It is for sleep primarily and I sleep very well but I had read somewhere of people taking it for anxiety. I am looking into it further and may try taking it when I have a day in my flat. If anybody knows of any other alternative remedies for anxiety (homeopathy, bach flower remedies etc etc..) I more than welcome your tips and ideas.

I have put in a request at the DHN (distant healing network) for some healing with this issue as I need to reach out for some support right now.

It's so surreal to write this as just a couple of weeks ago I was feeling sooo soothed, sooo in the moment and sooo allowing my life to unfold. I know that these fears have arisen because I have been considering change in my life, a movement forward and part of this moving forward would be saying goodbye to my best friend of 8 years Michael (fear of loss, roots). So it stands to reason why this anxiety would arise now. My mind can sense me pulling away from the known and can sense me desiring to walk across the bridge into the unknown adventure of my life. The unknown is not something the mind/ego can comprehend. The mind feels it needs to protect me from the unknown and so it tries to do this through anxiety states and worrisome thoughts. While I appreciate the protection my mind has given me in the past through anxiety and worry I feel now it is time for change for me and my life.

All I can say is everything does happen for a reason and this feeling must want my attention or it would not be feeling so strong.

Much love to you all, I welcome your warmth and support at this time.

Kelly xxxxxx

Additional Thoughts After Posting

I spent a little time going through the site I posted below and in the success stories I was interested in something somebody said there. It had me thinking that maybe the body responds with adrenalin because it sees the thoughts as an attack on it. If those thoughts had not caused a response originally (whenever that was - could be early childhood), they would be simply random thoughts passing through, without the physical response that feels like anxiety. Maybe we wouldn't be so attached to those thoughts if the body felt safe and not under threat?

It's also interesting that much of the advice and success stories are very much what I normally say to myself and on my blog about feeling the feelings. I guess the mistake I made here was feeling the feelings, panicking about what the feelings meant by interpreting them and 'trying' to feel better or get away from the intensity. I have much to gain from all of this. I will add more as it comes.

Some further resources on managing anxiety below. I will add more as I discover them:

Anxiety No More

A video that I have been watching to gain further clarity:

The Beauty Of Okay

2011-06-17T20:38:00.002+01:00

“There is no external source of our suffering, pain, pleasure and happiness. Our experiences of the good, the bad and the ugly are the creations of our minds.”

- Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche

Sometimes I find it easy to be with myself, sometimes I don't. Sometimes the sunshine, beautiful landscape invigorates me, sometimes it doesn't. Will there ever become a time when the landscape, the beauty of the day consistently pleases me in more ways than one?

Perhaps not. And maybe, just maybe the power of "It's Okay" becomes a saving grace.

Perhaps the day will come when I judge not one day better or worse than another and simply explore the awareness that each and every day its own unique vision to share.

It's only my resistance, through mental labelling, that makes me judge my day to be good or bad based on how I interpret my own feelings.

It's only resistance after all. And it's all okay.

“The most profound way to relate to the realm of our emotions and the entire universe is to simply experience each moment as it is without concepts and labels.”

-Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche

How does dualistic thinking affect you? How easy do you find non-labelling of moods, emotions and days?

Validation - Can We Truly Validate Ourselves?

2011-06-10T15:09:00.004+01:00

I am sitting at this computer to help me understand what I need to know right now about this subject of validation. It is not until I started questioning where I am coming from that this subject keeps coming up for me.

When I felt part of the human tribe, an insider, a person who belonged to a group or sector of society, my validation, my reason for being came from reflections my mind saw in another's eyes. So when I belonged I felt validated. The only problem was I had to cross streams, leap tall buildings and be someone I wasn't, to receive this validation. I had to fit in to feel at ease in the world I was living in.

In the earlier years, it was wearing the right clothes, listening to the same music. We all fitted together as a clan, a group. In my later years I drank a lot of alcohol to fit in. Alcohol drowned out the voices of insecurity and esteem issues. Yet I fitted in. My drunken behaviour, my uproarious laughter and doing what my friends did validated me. I ate sugary substances and overindulged in many things so that any sense of not feeling validated was numbed and blocked out.

Now, I am sat here wanting to experience the ageless quality of my soul, yet I feel defined in my own head for my age group. At 35 the subject of validation is screaming at me. This time I have dichotomous feelings of wanting validation for what I am doing, but also feeling not validated when I receive it. And then I feel rejected and insecure when nobody seems to see me and what I do. It's almost as if I wear an invisibility cloak.

I feel as if I have come full circle. My initial excitement and thrill at writing, creating art, photography has waned somewhat and I feel left with the age old question again - who am I?

At 35, I struggle with the feelings and thoughts that I should be doing something different from what I am doing. And even though my inner wisdom, in periods of clarity, tells me I am exactly where I need to be, I still have my moments like this.

I have nothing solid to validate myself with. My soul is all I know and it has no concrete substance to it. My love of nature and this planet, has no concrete substance to it. It's a feeling. My ego feels hurt or rather my ego gives me thoughts that hurt, that there is really no point in anything.

I feel all these years I have been seeking self validation and no amount of what I have done so far has brought this feeling inside me. There is still a seeking outside of myself, for the world to say "Hey Kelly, you are okay!".

Yet, even if the entire world were to say this to me, it would not matter or touch me, in all honesty. For the void inside where validation needs to be cannot not be filled by anybody else but me.

And I know not how to do this, or feel this, or bring this from within me.

What worth is my writing, my speaking, my photography if it does not benefit me in some way? I have lived too long with the feeling of wanting to help others and support them, when I know I want help and I want support - and I want it all from me. Nobody else.

While people can trigger inspiration or understanding or clarity in me, it is still down to me, here.

I can't see my purpose on this planet anymore.

If the purpose of life is to feel good and enjoy life, what am I, Kelly, meant to do in life? My ego is telling me that all of my writing, all of my creativity, is absolutely pointless. I can see no reason to continue other than something in me wanting to be expressed.

Are those that are confident and full of esteem, people who were validated in a healthy way as children? Encouraged to be who they are?

I am annoyed right now because I felt that my self-esteem had increased so much this past 8 years, and I felt finally, FINALLY, that my creativity, that I had buried for so long, was coming up for air and I thought this meant that my reason for living, being, was finally here!

And while my intellect knows that my reason for living and being is simply that, being, here, now, and intellectually I know that my soul, my unique expression of me, is all that I need to be here on this planet, emotionally, I still have big sucky moments!

And even though, I know that embracing the unknown, allowing life to unfold, is what I am supposed to be learning here and allowing...I still have freak outs when I cannot see where my creativity is taking me and as a result my mind screams "SO WHAT'S THE POINT?".

At the moment because of fear of the unknown, because of not trusting in the process of life, I see no point in art or playing or anything. Yet here I am writing. Go figure!?

I cannot be the only person that feels a need for validation. Don't most people? Is it not why people strive on their career paths to get people to like them, validate them as persons? Or are many people so high in esteem they simply want their work validated? Or do many people see themselves as separate from the work they do? Or is it a small minority that are able to feel validated for simply being alive?

I want to live a life of passion. Doing something I am truly passionate about. And I want to want to do this for me, not for validation from those outside of me.

I had hoped by writing this I would understand or gain some clarity but I guess not. I may even delete this post. Why? Because it may not be of benefit to anyone else. And why do I care? Because I want validation! No, but I don't. I want validation from me. So why write or post it.

I guess maybe just by getting it out, I can go and have a big old cry and maybe just let myself be for a while.

Additional Notes:

(This is a nice movie but tends towards validation from other people)

You Tube - Validation

(And another blogger with similar thoughts)

SolutionFocusedChange - discussion of Validation You Tube Video

Slowing Down

2011-06-09T17:25:00.005+01:00

It's fairly easy after a lengthy period of living life in the slow lane to gather pace and let the activity side of life become overwhelming.

We can become flooded with inspiration, ideas and plans and projects all at once.

The problem arises when creative inspiration becomes a reason to place undue pressure on oneself to accomplish beyond the realms of natural expectation.

It's a time when the new found movement in our life can turn into sabotage, second guessing and 'over' planning. It's wonderful to be so full of creative inspiration. It's lovely to have idea after idea flood our awareness. But...when we look at our list of ideas and inspired projects there can sometimes be a tendency to achieve and accomplish every task and prioritising begins to feel like a task in itself.

Slow down.

My life has amazingly unfolded. From a slow pace of not knowing what my skills and talents are, to being in the void where life appears empty. I spend 8 months slowing right down. Walking in nature daily, slowing right down until my awareness opened wide and I became aware of activities I would like to try out. I allowed myself to acknowledge blossoming gifts of writing and photography and then I began to paint and draw (skills I had allowed to be dormant for 2 decades) and so suddenly the 'empty' brought forth creative inspiration.

Once I implemented structure into my life I felt excited by the promise of days filled with active value. Doing new things and allowing my authentic nature to shine out into my world.

And then, something happened within me. My mind began to tell me how urgent it was that I got everything done on my list of inspired ideas. Instead of doing one at a time my mind had me thinking it was important I expanded my scope of activity. My stress levels rose. And as more ideas and inspiration came through me, my mind used this as an attempt to take control back of my life, instead of allowing Source energy to carry me; instead of letting my life to beautifully unfold.

So, as I sit here with a large caramel latte, I needed to stop on my walk back home to write my feelings and thoughts out. I needed to diarise what's going on for me so that I know what is going on so I too can stop, breathe and slow down.

I am also learning at this time that I have had patterns of feeling the need to respond to people immediately (be it through emails, web forums, blog entries). There has been this fear that if I don't respond immediately I will lose something, "friendships, readers, connections". My mind began focusing on the product of Kelly Martin instead of the process of an unfolding life.

Something I read a little while ago in a Julia Cameron book said :

"Do you want to be Admired or Happy?"

This is why I question what I am experiencing inside right now. Stress, time pressures and the urgency of the mind to get me out into the world is all about 'image'. Who am I? Do I really want to be admired, respected, heard, so much that I was prepared to experience stress and pressure inside?

The answer is no. Not anymore.

Old insecurities were behind those time pressures, behind the need to get noticed.

I want to be happy. To answer only to me. Instead of the rest of the world - which is what my mind had me believing I needed to answer to.

It is time for me to slow down, right down.

To let the urgency go, to allow emails and responses to slow down.

Get back to basics. To do only that which feels fun, instead of doing what I 'think' needs to be done.

Slow down, it's okay.

Nature, Source always knows the way.

What Makes A Good Teacher?

2011-06-01T22:33:00.003+01:00

"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." ~Thomas Carruthers

"The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence. He inspires self-distrust. He guides their eyes from himself to the spirit that quickens him. He will have no disciple." ~Amos Bronson Alcott

"The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind." ~Kahlil Gibran

When someone becomes a teacher of any topic (formal education, spirituality, sport...etc etc..) what makes a good teacher?

Some time ago I heard a quote along the lines of "The real Master creates Masters not followers" (Osho). And this really had me thinking about what sort of person I wanted to be.

Something in me wants to share my experiences and possibly teach in some way. I am not sure of the way as yet, but I am certain of the person I do not want to be, and my recent letting go of outer teachers has confirmed this for me.

I followed many spiritual teachers in the past and the most recent was Abraham Hicks and all of the teachers of my past were very similar in the teachings they shared. Occasionally they would slip in the statement of trusting yourself, listening to your inner guide but most of them had some big event or big thing to reach for in life. I always felt like someone chasing a carrot dangling at the end of a stick. It wasn't until I came across Byron Katie and Mooji that I began to recognise how important it was to not only embrace what is in my life but to know that the answers always lie within.

Now I know many spiritual teachers espouse this, yet many of the institutions that evolve in the major spiritual followings are not encouraging us strongly enough to look within, as far as I can see.

When I followed the Crimson Circle, I loved the grandoise ideas and feeling part of a special group called "Shaumbra". It felt exclusive; my ego loved it. But I let them go when nothing they said seemed to be having an affect in my life. The spiritual shifts coming, just kept coming... just around the corner.

And then I followed Abraham Hicks and initially the teachings to follow my emotional guidance system came in strongly and then the whole 'VORTEX' thing came about. Being an Aber I was on the 'leading edge of thought' as a Shaumbra I was in this unique group also.. with the Beacons of Light I was a lightworker... all of these spiritual teachers eventually led to creating more and more followers... more and more students.... NOT more and more Masters.

If they did create Masters, eventually the 'followers' would no longer need them. Fewer followers means less income and revenue. The inner circle of these groups do very well, thank you very much, with the outer circle dropping wads of cash into their pockets. But the outer circle may not be doing so well. Some may? I am just observing my own experiences and that of others who have dropped back from spiritual teachers recently.

Now all in all, I am glad to know this about spiritual teachers now. They are no longer on the pedestal I had them on for years (when I didn't believe in myself). But... what do we do if an inner calling calls us to possibly teach or share in some way? What if we want to create an income from sharing, speaking, writing, teaching? How do we do this and keep our morals and authentic nature intact? How do we teach without creating dependants?

Do we simply choose not to, and find other modes of living?

I don't know the answer right now. Perhaps there isn't one. I understand people choose how they experience teachers. It was perfect for me to be a follower for many years and now it is perfect that I am my own guide. I guess there will always be leaders and followers, much like employers and employees. Can this truly change in the teaching profession?

I welcome your thoughts on this subject.

Related quotes:

A leader is best when the people are hardly aware of his existence,

Not so good when people stand in fear,

Worse, when people are contemptuous.

          Fail to honour people, and they will fail to honour you.

          But a good leader who speaks little,
          When his task is accomplished, his work done,

The people say “We did it ourselves.”

Lao Tzu

Don't try to fix the students, fix ourselves first. The good teacher makes the poor student good and the good student superior. When our students fail, we, as teachers, too, have failed. ~Marva Collins

"Ideal teachers are those who use themselves as bridges over which they invite their students to cross, then having facilitated their crossing, joyfully collapse, encouraging them to create bridges of their own." -- Nikos Kazantzakis

"The greatest sign of a success for a teacher...is to be able to say, "The children are now working as if I did not exist." -- Maria Montessori

My Own Backyard - A Day In My Life - My Little Slice Of Heaven

2011-05-31T18:55:00.001+01:00

I live in a beautiful part of the UK in an area called Gloucestershire. My home is in the city of Gloucester and I love walking the urban lanes and city streets to get to my little slice of heaven. On an ordinary day it takes me around 1 hour and 1/2 to get to this tranquil haven I call 'Gloucester's hidden secret'. Many people who live outside Gloucester often frown upon Gloucester, some are a bit snobby and think Gloucester is just the city centre, buts it's not, there is so much more to Gloucester.

I know many people who may live in a city may find the thought of walking so far to get into nature too much, but for me it has been a saving grace. Walking has brought me back home to my body, it has energised and brought vitality to a sluggish spirit and has allowed my intuition to strengthen through long periods of sacred solitude.
So today I am going to take you on a photographic journey of one of my favourite walks I do on an ordinary day, which by the way, is anything but ordinary to me.

Bear with me as I take you on this journey. In the beginning, some of images may seem rather uninspiring, yet beauty can be found in the strangest places and as I walk on you will see the countryside I so adore in the UK.

After a little walk through the urban areas I reach my first taste of nature through the kissing gate onto a small track.

Through the arches to the cow field...

These lovely heifers and cows always greet me by a good glare each day lol!

This is a lovely place to see bumble bees gathering nectar and to admire the smiley daisies.

A Sea Of Daisies - scrumdiddlyumptious!

Some days I turn right to Maisemore, some days I go left to Lower Parting, today I am going straight on, over the hill and bridge.

The view from the bridge of the Chocolate River (I wish haha!) this is the River Severn in Gloucester it is this chocolatey red colour because it carries a lot of silts down from the high ground.

The day began a bit cloudy but I love the beautiful shadows formed by the clouds today. The view from the bridge overlooks the city of Gloucester in the distance (I live 15 minutes walk from the cathedral).

A closer shot of Gloucester Cathedral (where Harry Potter was filmed).

From here I cross the road under another bridge over the motorway.

The sky is AMAZING today!

A little love on my path today. Lovely heart petal.

Even along the motorway nature abounds.

A commercial pub chain in the UK but they do the best Sunday carvery lunch. I am drooling just thinking about it!

Over Farm Market in Gloucester (See Here ). A lovely farm shop that I have to say sells the best vanilla fudge (and rum and raison and countless others!) I have ever tasted. They also do a vanilla fudge with maltester chocolates in, yum yum! AND they sell the best cupcakes - see below.

Just a little peek inside at the deli counter, lovely cheeses, fudge, pastries.... yum yum!

One I bought earlier! haha! this cupcake was my idea of heaven (from Over Farm Market - see above). I bought it as a treat for implementing structure into my life. I was so proud of myself for doing so that this cake just had to be devoured. Of course my inner child had to have the most colourful one! LOL!

Part way through my walk past Over Farm on my way to my lovely slice of heaven....

Today I am walking around the right side of this farmers corn field to get to my lunch view at the far top right hand corner.

Something quite hypnotic about corn in a field....

Walking up the side to my seat.... I love this land.....

*Pleasant sigh*
Sat down, about to eat my digestive biscuit sandwich! Whats that you may ask? My friends concoction which I rather love. It is two digestive biscuits with a filling of thick creamy butter! oh my! (The digestive biscuit is sometimes called the sweetmeal biscuit and originated in the United Kingdom. They are frequently eaten with tea or coffee. I used to dunk mine in my tea but now I prefer to dunk it in my coffee. Do you guys and gals from other parts of the world dunk biscuits in your coffee or tea?)

Mid-Chomp, nom nom!

A view (my camera has been playing strange colour tricks today!).

Me enjoying late springtime sunshine.

Entering Lassington Woods - I love love love this place. I never saw a soul in here today. There was just me, the birds and the trees. I find it so divinely sacred. Surrounded by ancient woodland and green leaves. Birdsong surrounding me. Heaven!

Green Lassington Woods

This may seem unimportant to many people but this stone really grabbed my attention today. Lovely energy!

And there you go... a little trip in Kelly's World. I hope you enjoyed the journey.

.

What Value Does Writing From Joy Bring? How Do We Bring Creativity From A Wholesome Place?

2011-05-30T17:38:00.003+01:00

Ordinarily I am inspired, to write, take photographs, create.

Sometimes I feel I am like the telephone waiting to ring, watching the receiver impatienty: "Ring damn it!".

The telephone never rings when I will it to. It only rings when I am focused on other things, distracted, much like inspiration and creativity.

Over a week ago I decided to make my breaks between posting blogs longer, and during that time I wrote a couple of blogs that felt a little forced and unnatural. So they stay in my notebook just for my eyes only.

I like to write when I am flowing. This flow can come from any type of emotion: sadness, anger, joy and fear. I smile at myself as I write this as to write from joy is still fairly alien to me. Most of my writing has come from my own internal questioning process during times of trials and tribulation.
Something in me questions "What value does writing from joy bring?"

I realise I have a little conditioning that feels I must help others, and people may only hear me or I may only be able to reach them if I am in a similar place on my life journey.

I recall the many times during depressive states, watching on you tube, listening to CDs to positive speakers, how much they turned me right off. It was like sandpaper to my emotional state.

How does one engage readers from a place of joy? and if someone is in a joyful place won't they have no need to read what I have to say? Where does heart-shared, written inspiration come from?

I always felt I had something to give, something to share from inside me. I didn't realise I had an identity with being 'helpful' and 'supportive'.

A little while ago I wrote a blog called "Are You Addicted To Feeling Bad" (I deleted it for some bizarre reason during a feng shui of the site) and I felt I was at that time. This is no longer so, yet I am a little hesitant to let go of the 'troubled' 'scared' 'unhappy' identity. It has been my identity for so long.

Even though my writing has changed, it offers me many more solutions and awarenesses in my life now, yet I do struggle to write when I am in a joy-filled place. I guess the fear behind this is that I will turn into one of those super sickly positive people that ooze mantras and key phrases at everyone they meet.

Perhaps genuine, understated joy won't appear so fake and the realness of the experience will shine through.

As I want to continue to explore my horizons of joy in my life and in my heart I am willing to let these fears go. Perhaps the great unknown will reveal a new avenue for me, my self expression and my writing. I am prepared to see how far down the rabbit hole this takes me.

I imagine joy will bring me greater understanding and creativity and as I grow and change so will my readers.

Trust in the process of life is called for here.

I guess it also comes down to the subject of belonging again. People come together because of collective woes and issues. I am aware that genuinely joyful people rarely express this, because it often brings with it envy from other. Because of this many people hide their light behind the metaphoric bushel. And in addition perhaps, I still project my own fears of not being liked or not belonging onto others, almost expecting to be rejected for my joy.

The question I must ask myself is:

"What is the greatest experience I want for myself?

To be liked and loved?

Or to experience joy and thereby discovering the love and approval of my own heart from within?"

Surprisingly this sounds like a no brainer yet my ego struggles with the letting go of the first option.

It sounds crazy all of this, as intellectually I get that feeling amazingly joyous, loving my life, loving myself, flowing easily through this life experience is what it's all about. And intellectually I know I can be a great example of living by allowing myself to feel good. Yet I am amazed that the reluctance to let go of the 'sharing from the pain' is a bit of a barrier right now.

As always, I guess, awareness is the key.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic.

Do you find expressing creatively from joy easy?
Have you ever or do you have an identity with creating your art (writing, speaking, painting etc etc...) from the more challenging emotions within?
Does helping other people give you a sense of satisfaction and what would you feel if you let go of needing to help others but instead helped yourself by allowing joy to ripple through your being?

I am aware that most of the greatest poets create from pain. Yet many create from love also.

What draws you on your search for reading material online? is it to make you feel better, bring you relief? or simply out of general interest?

For some strange reason this blog post feels a bit scary to write and also to publish but it feels a necessary step in my unfolding life.

Thanks For Reading

Creativity & The Law Of Attraction

2011-05-24T17:26:00.005+01:00

"Art is a matter of commitment. Commitment is of interest to the Great Creator. When we display the faith necessary to make our art, the Great Creator displays an interest and an active hand in supporting what it is we are doing. We receive supply in all forms."

Julia Cameron -~Walking In This World~

This is where I feel the 'Law Of Attraction' gives us a helping hand in life. When we begin to awaken to our creative self, instead of doing art to produce something we do art for the experience of doing art. Our art could be anything from writing, drawing, painting, dancing, singing, speaking, knitting...whatever feels good to do.

Since I brought my rejected artist from the recesses of my self out into the open, I have felt a renewed sense of energy in my life. Life just seems to be flowing so much better. I feel with the topic of 'The Law Of Attraction', it can get quite misunderstood in the beginning. Many of us may think 'getting what we want' by focusing on the end result (eg. money, relationship, finshed art piece, book published etc.) is what we must do, but we miss out on all the fun to be had along the way.

I was guilty of this. I spent months, years, focusing on getting the 'stuff' that I wanted. The material stuff, the experience stuff and never fully engaging in the experience of now. Now, I see 'The Law Of Attraction' as our creative energy, our creative spark within that as we become more open to creating for creating's sake, for the fun of it, playing in the present moment, the ' Law Of Attraction' recognises our commitment not only to the creative process but also to ourselves.
And as we make this commitment to our art, as an expression of who we are, the 'Law Of Attraction' matches like-with-like energy. We become a fuel source for the energy of expansion, of openness, of receptivity. We thrive by allowing our energy to flow in perfect direction, not forced, not pushed, simply allowed. As we welcome what is within our hearts to be expressed, we open a door to creation. Creation being the energy of change, of movement and of abundance.

And now, 'we' become the abundance we may have been looking for in the past through outward forms of manifestation (money,cars,houses,holidays etc.). And we come to realise that abundance is our natural state of being. The creative flow of energy poured into creative play and activity is what real abundance represents. The abundance of growth, the abundance of expansion, of wealth, prosperity and richness. Our lives become rich because we are feeling the richness of our souls manifesting as our own creative expression.

Julia Cameron in her book 'Walking In This World' speaks of a musician and his approach to music. She mentions that when this musician began to enjoy the sweetness of his music, life became sweet.

As I engage in creative arts, my own energy is shifting. I actually feel like I am buzzing. Since I started getting up early and doing my daily walks and allowing the creative inspiration to flow, my cells of my body are tingling and I actually enjoy getting out of bed in the morning. It is as if the creator within me was trapped inside a cage for 30 years and the bars have been removed (by me) and creativity is my way of enjoying and experiencing the law of attraction at work. It is true what many spiritual teachers say, if we follow our bliss, do what feels good, life just becomes so much more brighter and vibrant.

I used to understand the 'Law Of Attraction' as a natural law that governed what manifested into our individual worlds. I thought that if I focused on what I wanted, 'the outer goals', the law of attraction would bring them to me. A whole different experience happened. Instead I have begun to find value in the every day moment, in the present. I have discovered inner wealth and value. I am no longer focused on distant goals (I know I have desires like everyone else), but not receiving 'those' desires has enabled me to find a far greater sense of wellbeing than I ever would have found had I received those specific 'dreams' now.

This is where I feel 'what unfolds is what we need'. Our minds, our egos, may have certain 'wants' in life, yet they may not be a match to what our inner self, God, Creator within feels is for our highest good. So when we line up with who we really are, the energy that creates worlds falls into place and allows us a far sweeter experience of life.

When we think we can manifest 'this or that' and this becomes our focus it may be that not manifesting brings far more rewarding experiences than receiving whatever 'it' is at the time. This is what will naturally unfold, whether our minds like it or not.

This is why I feel it is highly beneficial to really get present with what is. Surrender in pure acceptance and make the best of 'what is'. Not detach from 'what is' and live in the life of our 'future' desires.

I know Abraham Hicks speaks of creating a new story. To me I prefer to live in the present moment, to engage in living now. Future 'desires' and 'dreams' we may have, but when those dreams become our prime focus we may just be missing out on the most wonderous nuggets that life is giving us right now, in this moment.

To me it is like having a tunnel vision view of life. It is much like saying: "I don't like what is in my life right now, so I am going to daydream every day, all day, that I am living another life". Maybe it will manifest for you, but maybe, just maybe, if it does manifest it could have already been on the cards for you anyway? Maybe your inner creator already sees what is for your highest good and that 'dream', that 'desire', feels good because it carries the potential of the energy already in you wanting to be expressed creatively.

But, if your 'dream' or 'desire' has not manifested, perhaps you might just find in the present moment what you were not looking for, but what was looking for you, your inner value, your inner worth, your inner beauty, your inner wealth. And you may just discover that the answers and solutions to some long sought-after problems or challenges were within you all along, and it was not the money or the fast cars or the holidays that were going to bring the answers to you, but your moment-by-moment awareness.

The 'dreams' and 'desires' are simply objects we see. They fuel our energy into allowing greater experiences of freedom, joy and prosperity, from within.

I know, even though like most people on this planet, the outer trappings of the material world are what I thought I desired, but deep down I always knew the most primal desire was that of freedom, an inner sense of value and an inner sense of worth. I wasn't looking for money or stuff, I was looking for 'me' all along.

I have come to a point in my life, where I want to be doing what I am doing right now. And for me, this is a huge breakthrough.

.

Coming Back From The Spiritual Void & Taking Charge Of Life

2011-05-22T17:48:00.007+01:00

Chinese Proverb

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

Since implementing structure into my days I am noticing a vibrant energy flowing through me. Structure is bringing me a sense of taking charge of my life. I feel like a rider on a great steed, riding fully into my life. I feel onboard the ship of my experiences now instead of bobbing around floating on the water of my emotions. I feel by creating order, structure, variety, and using my time more wisely, I am benefitting by having better feeling thoughts and moods.

Taking charge, to me, is not taking control in the sense that we might try to control an outcome. It is also not taking control of another person or trying to control the direction of the flow of life. Taking charge is moving with the flow of life.

My taking charge came about after a period of spending time alone, spending time walking, and most of all having none of the distractions that a busy life can have. I needed the distraction-free time; I needed to empty the bowl from which my new found creativity is flowing. I needed to empty myself out so that the new me could begin to take shape and flow out into the world.

For a while I needed to go into my world, to pluck the ripe seeds of my inspiration and to discover what I like and love doing. Now it is time to go out into my world.

Prior to structure beginning in my life, I found the time without structure challenging. Yet I also found a lack of structure worthwhile for as long as it lasted. Without being in that state of allowing, the willingness to be with what the mind could perceive as 'nothing', 'empty', I would not have allowed the space within me to be filled with something more nourishing and enjoyable.

It could have been so very easy to fill that 'empty' place within me. The void is something many people 'a-void' because it can feel dark, painful and helpless. We can feel like it will never end and yet when these feelings arise I had to be with them and let my personal void be filled up with balance and creativity.

In the past I would have worked a lot, ate a lot, socialised a lot, watched TV a lot, social networked on the internet a lot and the list would go on.

It was not my job to fill my bowl, to fill my void, to try and control what the 'new' was going to be. I had no idea at the time. It just felt painful and empty.

Now as I my inner self brings forth new feelings, new inspiration, I can see clearly the benefits of the void. The benefits of floating, flowing, allowing the feelings and experiences I experienced.

I am being gentle with myself as I initiate structure into my life also. Structure can feel so different when we have spent time simply allowing and being. Yet I can see spending less time doing things for the sake of it and more time doing activities because they feel usefull and fulfilling, brings a greater sense of esteem and life to my living.

If anybody is reading this and feeling in the void: if you have a feeling that your life is empty and devoid of any good feeling, be with it. This is all I can say to you. For even in my darkest hours I knew I was not meant to fill the empty space inside. For by leaving it alone, letting the feelings come forth and flow, eventually in time, at the perfect time, God, Source, Life (whatever you want to call your inner self) will show you a new way, begin to open up your eyes to many different paths and avenues you may have not considered before.

And when the time comes, you will feel inspired to make changes, big or small, to your day to day life. Be it structure, to taking a class, a course, whatever the change may be. And these changes will come forth from a more grounded and stable place of being.

Check Out My Friend Jennifers Blog & Brilliant Video on:
Getting Through The Dark Night Of The Soul

Creative Pathmarkers

2011-05-21T17:03:00.001+01:00

I sit here and wonder: "Do the creative monsters of our past act as pathmarkers defining the twists and turns that were necessary to give us the juice in the present to make us better artists?"

Were the people who 'showered on our parade' sent to us so we could define the kind of person we want to be?

I wonder. The wounded headmistress from my past who said I embarrassed the school after I performed my piece in assembly, was she sent to me so that at the perfect time in my life I would stretch beyond the limits of who I was and bring something to speaking that would not have been there otherwise?

It pleases me to ponder and experience these new awarenesses; to view her in good light instead of a negative way.

Mr Graham, my art teacher at high school, placed so much faith and gave me so much encouragement with my art. He adored my creative abilities until the final year where he gave me a grade D. Did he 'shower on my parade' so that I would be the explorer I am, thus enabling me to retrieve far finer jewels from the neglected artist than I ever would have, had I gone onto art school and pursued a career from an early age.

Soul searching certainly brings with it great rewards.

I feel forgiveness and gratitude opening in my heart for my creative past now and this is so fulfilling.

My ART has more HEART.

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When Free Time Is No Longer 'Free'

2011-05-20T17:44:00.001+01:00

Sometimes in life a lack of structure can lead to 'depression'. While it's beneficial to spend a period of time in quiet contemplation, allowing life to unfold in an open manner, there comes a time when structure is very necessary, not only necessary but classifed as a life saving measure!

I have come to this period of my journey.

It's understandable that many retired men and women can often go into a period of decline and depression when they have left behind the structure that 'working' brings.

Initially, great! Free time, do what you want when you want but after that many people may get sick mentally and physically, especially if life before retirement was full to brimming with activities. Left with too much time, but being alone with thoughts that ordinarily have been hidden from view by the distractions of lifes busyness can be hell on earth for many; many not knowing what to do with the noisy chatterbox of the mind.

And much like retirees, choosing to take time out is beneficial when consciously aware and choosing to relax, feel, come to understand what we love to do. And then we may be left with a void of time where instead of contemplating and being, we are instead like a ship without a rudder. We are knocked about by the elements and feeling powerless to our own thoughts, emotions, time.

Free time is great when it's useful. Be it contemplating, discovering and exploring who we are to activities we love doing. When 'free' time feels no longer 'free' it's time to bring structure into our day-to-day lives.

Structure may feel a scary concept after a period of free time, flowing and allowing unfolding to occur. But perhaps structure is part of the unfolding.

Variety is necessary for life to feel interesting, rewarding and satisfying.

If a child is left to its own devices it may feel unloved and unsafe. We give boundaries to children and discipline because this gives the child a sense of safety, of caring from its parents.

So why don't we do the same for ourselves?

Within myself I liken my activities lately to that of a teenager. Get up when I want, lying in bed for too long, having an element of structure but not enough, I walk, come home and slip on my lazy dressing gown. I used my dressing gown as an excuse "It's just comfortable" but what I was really doing was telling my body: "I'm ready for bed, doing nothing." Not only was I becoming a lazy teenager but a depressed one. I felt powerless to my circumstances, not in control of my life "like a boat without a rudder" being knocked around by my emotional waves. I defended my excuses saying I was bored and that I had no variety in my life but the fact is I could make a whole bunch of variety if I chose too. Especially since I have allowed enough time to discover my interests (painting, writing, baking, photography etc.). I got confused about my inner child's needs. I thought she wanted free time, play and expression. But she also needs discipline, structure and variety. I paint abstract and allow her to flow, but sometimes I want to paint specifics and I realised it's just as valuable to paint inside the lines as it is to paint outside. Just like life!

Painting outside = flow, allowing, being.
Painting inside = structure,discipline, variety.

And these two both need to go hand in hand to live a fulfilling, rewarding and healthy balanced life.

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When It's Ripe It's Ready!

2011-05-19T18:13:00.001+01:00

So you have an idea of something you would like to try out, creatively speaking and you feel the bubbling arise for a potential project and you sit and feel stuck.

Maybe it's an idea you have been wanting to try your hand at for some time, but you have never done anything like it before. Maybe you simply don't know where to begin.

While I love that Julia Cameron (The Artists Way, Vein of Gold, Walking In This World) encourages us to write or create when we're feeling great, crabby, sad: basically to create from wherever we are emotionally, sometimes an idea is just a bubble of energy and we need a period of gestation where the idea becomes fully formed and birthed inside of us.

As I sit contemplating something, I have to acknowledge and admit an idea, much like change in life, cannot be forced into the open until it's ready. Inspiration comes from a ripe fruit and an idea may need a little while longer on the tree gathering shape, changing colour, growing, until it's time for us to taste it.

The temptation is to force through the fear and plough forward in an attempt to ripen our idea too early. Inspiration comes from a safe place, a place where we relax, forget about the idea, and let nature take its course.

Life is much like ideas and creative expression. We can only do what we are able to do at any given time. We can investigate and research and discover in the meantime if this feels right. We cannot coerce, force, pry open, make grow anything before it's time is here.

All we can do is relax into the flow of life, and as always, allow life to unfold naturally.

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Just Do It! - Creativity & Releasing An Audience

2011-05-18T11:25:00.003+01:00

"The need to be a great artist makes it hard to be an artist. The need to produce a great work of art makes it hard to produce any art at all." (Julia Cameron)

Last night I made the mistake of allowing the ugly head of comparison to rise again. I looked at another's art and felt like I was "too late in the game", "Its pointless to write, pointless to paint, pointless to creatively speak on you tube". I had allowed the ugly message of my ego to taint my creative pleasure. My ego began to grab onto an 'end result', a 'what will happen down the line' with what I am doing now. My ego went through my life and gave me angry thoughts: "If only I hadn't had that grade at school that destroyed my artistic hopes and dreams; I would have had a career in art, some people have all the luck!".

Boy, my ego was thrashing around inside my head last night. I went to sleep with tears in my eyes feeling absolutely destroyed and shattered by my ego's pulsing, berating sabotaging thinking.

As my life is not the same as an ordinary route, ordinary career or structured journey; as my life is unfolding differently; as my life is all about the 'Unknown', 'Uncertainty', and 'Letting the next step reveal itself as I go', it was easy for my ego to take hold last night in my fledgling state of learning to walk my artistic self out onto this stage of life.

And so my ego this past week had been grabbing onto the concept of 'doing art for an audience'.

The ego comes in the back door making us feel the art must be perfect. We must have people commenting, visiting and watching our art (whatever our art is).

I had found myself looking at the 'statistics' of my blog, checking how many people were viewing my blog. I checked out my really newborn baby, my You Tube channel and I saw others on the path of art, structured, career orientated 'GOING SOMEWHERE' art.

My mind was telling me: "You are not going anywhere Kelly; this will lead to nothing; why bother? give up! nobody's watching anyway; its not going to change your life Kelly; just stop it now".

Hence why I cried myself to sleep. I was believing all these destructive, ugly thoughts and not able to question them as I had allowed them to seep in too deep.

Julia Cameron spoke to me this morning with a quote that really reflected last night's tirade of words directed at self:

When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.

And when I awoke this morning after a sleep that blew the cobwebs of that sorrowful night out of my energy, I had a little relief returning and my first thought was "JUST DO IT!". Do it because the creative me needs to be expressed, do it because I need to flow this out into the world, I need it out of me instead of trapped in the creative dungeon of my own making. Do it for me! Do it for me! Do it for me!

Instead of for an audience.

Speak, for my heart needs to speak.
Write, because my soul needs to write.
Paint, because my inner child needs to paint.

Not for an audience.

Needing an audience, comes from lack, comes from fear. It kills my growing creativity.

I may have visitors, I may have watchers - I may not.

What matters is I allow my creativity, like my life, to unfold.

My artistic juices do not need to be prettily packaged in the perfect ribbon. What needs to flow is raw, vulnerable, free, beautiful, heart, soul and spirit.

My old ego messages from the past, the old ugly comparison ways no longer (and never did) nourish my soul.

My creative soul needs to feel free to paint beauty, write ugly, speak scary, draw chaotic, bake divine, dance blessed - whatever is within me needing to come out.

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Inner Child As Teacher, Adventurer, and Inspiration

2011-05-16T18:48:00.001+01:00

When you're a little girl (or boy) you don't look beyond the moment you're in. Unless your parents show you something new you're quite happy playing and investigating your surroundings. When you're a little girl you find fun and adventure in the smallest of things. A buttercup becomes a home for the fairy babies and nymphs. A floating log down the river is a raft carrying brave warriors to battle. There isn't any need to look beyond the day, the moment, the second.

Yet as grown ups we resist the simplest pleasure and look to what grown ups define as adventure, as a fully vivid life. Many a time we look beyond the day. We look to a future that hasn't happened. We want to grow before we are ready. We lose sight of the treasures that lay inside our inner child.

Our inner child feels neglected, bored, frustrated, because we get all serious about life and what we are living. We refuse to look for the magic in each day like our inner child longs to do again. We become rigid and fixated on far off dreams and distant pleasures.

Each day becomes a challenge for more, for something to fill the big gaping hole where we buried her (or him), our inner child beneath a pile of self hatred, dissatisfaction and projected pain from lack-full state of mind. She leaps up and down shouting "I'm here! I can see all the fun to be had! You're looking in the wrong place!!".

"Where am I looking?" I ask.

"You're looking to people you don't know,
You're looking to a future you don't know,
You're missing the magic! Your missing the magic!"

I say:

"I'm so sorry little girl inside,
Please come out, I don't want you to hide,
Come out to play,
Each and every day,
Show me how to live life, your way".

I feel we spend too long talking to God and grown up versions of 'wisdom'. We forget to speak to the one part of us that always knows how to enjoy each day.

Our inner child. She has a lot to say.

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Fledgling Flight - You Have Got Your Wings

2011-05-15T18:39:00.003+01:00

So today while looking out from our back window onto my landlord's garden, I was watching this lovely baby blackbird. She has been so adorable to watch lately. She is as a big, if not bigger than a full grown blackbird, yet her wings are still a bit fluffy. She can fly but is like a new baby getting to know the world.

Last week I sat in the garden and watched this curious creature. She sat in the bush tapping at the bird feeder, just trying a little morsel of food on her own and unlike most fully grown birds she sat for a long time just moving her head from side to side really taking everything in. I have never seen a baby bird behave like this. You could see she was just amazed to be alive, curious, as any infant.

She is so beautiful and entertaining. We often see her standing on the grass flapping her wings making baby bird noises which I can only imagine are "Come feed me Dad!". And he does. Even though she can fly, the baby blackbird is fed by its parents for the longest time. She is quite able to feed herself now yet she is not quite ready to fledge the nest.

I liken this to me.

With my blog 'Kelly Martin Speaks' and my new channel on You Tube, I feel I have my wings now. I have given birth to myself, yet my wings are still fluffy and while I can feed and nourish myself I am not yet ready to fledge the nest on my solo adventure, otherwise I would be.

Today I did another 3 videos on the subjects of 'Loneliness', 'Boredom' and 'Releasing Drama' and each time I do them I feel filled with energy, excitement and creativity, yet I still have a nervous feeling, like I am not quite fully flying. This flying into the life of my own being will happen naturally. Like a toddler I am learning to walk. First I totter from one chair to the next, from the sofa to the dining table over to my loved ones. I walk unaided but still a little wobbly, but I know in time my legs will feel more natural to me, like my wings will be ready to fly the nest, from where I am into my new life.

We can learn a lot from birds. Birds are pushed or encouraged out of the nest at exactly the right time, not a moment sooner, by their parents and so perhaps we can allow ourselves the time and space to settle into our wings and bring what we need from within so we can truly spread our wings and fly.

Below is a short youtube of a baby blackbird:

Responsibility: Release Guilt - Release Blame

2011-05-14T15:55:00.003+01:00

It is quite easy to blame ourselves when somebody else is hurting or stressed, if we view our actions as causing the person pain in some way. There comes a time when we need to release and let go of the responsibility we may have heaped on our shoulders because of something that happened to someone else. It is easy to see how our actions have consequences but often, as humans, we forget that how other humans respond or react in life is nothing to do with who we are, or what we do.

Everyone has a choice in how they react or respond, and because of this I am learning in my own time to release the guilt and blame I had placed on myself with regard to my father's death.

I wrote in a previous blog about what can cause money blocks in life. I listed many of the blocks I feel I potentially have and one of those was guilt.

Whenever we place blame or guilt onto ourselves we are essentially blaming the inner child. This is because the inner child is as spontaneous, wanting and demanding as children can be. A child comes into this world expecting to have all its needs met so it wants and it gets, it wants and it gets. Mostly from its parents.

We came into this world knowing on a deep level we can have what we want. We just got mixed up along the way, thinking that the only source of getting what we wanted came from our parents, not from inside of us.

And so my inner child was a demanding child. Playful, fun and wanting - a lot. My father, a giving loving father, instead of saying no (which I would have learned to adapt to) always said yes to these demands.

After he died I had been carrying a lot of guilt about the demands I placed on him. I felt he was stressed out through money because of me. I felt my demands caused his heart attack and ultimately his death. So my inner child feels I am blaming her.

So this afternoon after doing some forgiveness work and shedding some tears, I began a mantra of loving self forgiveness to myself. I shouted out to the birds, the bees, the trees; I shouted to the water flowing through the river to the earth beneath my feet: "I am NOT responsible for my father's death! I am NOT to blame for him dying!".

I cried and cried as I said this and I feel this is the beginning of my self healing journey.

I talked to myself about my father. It was his choice and his decision to be as giving as he was, knowing his financial situation. He had a big heart and could not - not give. This was who he was. However, it was not my responsibility that he always said yes to my child and teenager demands. It was his responsibility how he responded to me and my family. It was his choice to take it in and stress his heart to breaking point. I am no longer responsible for his death AND I never was.

As I write this I stop to pause. This needs to be absorbed and felt.

The only person I am responsible for is myself. How another human chooses to see me is their business. How another human reacts or responds to me is their business. My business is MY BUSINESS.

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Forgiveness - Allowing This To Naturally Unfold

2011-05-14T15:13:00.003+01:00

As I sat by the river today, it felt a good time to practice the Hawaiian healing technique called Ho'oponopono.

From Wiki:

Ho'oponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. Similar forgiveness practices were performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Samoa, Tahiti and New Zealand

I was feeling lack-full in town today and sorrow arose. I walked into a shop and some music was playing. The lyrics were 'Hey little girl, when are you going to let your life change?' And so I sat by the river letting feelings flow and using Ho'oponopono.

I repeated the phrase "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thankyou". And as the lack-full feeling was related to money and 'wanting' again, I felt perhaps I could do some on the guilt to do with my father and maybe with my inner child who feels I blame her. Some tears fell and maybe that is all I needed for that time.

I feel with any kind of resistance we cannot force release. It's like pushing a young child to walk further than she is ready when taking her first steps. And maybe with forgiveness it's not so much the words that count but the feeling inside. Maybe the great nourishment and love we are able to receive is the simply acknowledgement that the feeling is there and wanting to be welcomed, not resisted.

I feel sometimes that on the spiritual path too many of us use techniques, affirmations, tools to escape the rawness of the love that is the very emotion we are running away from.

Our pain may only be pain when we fight against the current of the awareness it is bringing to us.

Later today after I initially posted this blog I did some more Ho'oponopono. It felt the right time to do it. I recalled memories of receiving the phone call from my Aunt when my dad died. I recalled other memories and feelings and I wept. Good tears. Tears of loving awareness and nurturing,

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My You Tube Channel -The Dawn Of A New Era

2011-05-14T14:36:00.004+01:00

Just to let you all know I now have my own You Tube channel. I have taken my voice and given it a stage. This is a big thing for me, exciting, scary and amazing all at the same time. From a shy girl to developing my inner and outer confidence, this is just the beginning. I have uploaded 10 videos so far, ranging on topics from fear, allowing life to unfold, money and beauty. More to come hope to see you there. I appreciate your support.

Opening To Receive Money: A Journey

2011-05-13T22:41:00.000+01:00

This morning I received this in my 'Notes From The Universe'

Think of the one area of life that brings you the most discomfort, Kelly, and that's where you're ripe for growth.

Never fails,
The Universe

And this made me realise it is time to write about the subject of money.

So what can be beneath money difficulties? fear of loss? fear of change? What do we feel we could lose by experiencing more abundance? Our identity? What identity would that be?

These are some of the numerous questions I have been asking myself about the subject of money. Like many people who may be in a similar situation to me, I have been a seeker on many levels to try and understand, to become aware of what is potentially blocking my path when it comes to this universal subject.

And when I say blocking, I understand that my life is unfolding as it should, and I have what I need in my life right now, yet I also understand a need to become more aware and clear on this subject. And I imagine countless others. This is not going to be another get rich quick, 3, 4, 10, 12 steps to receiving money easily, via the Law of Attraction. No, because those kind of articles online merely frustrate, and to be frank, piss me off.

The very topic of money and the Law of Attraction swamps the Internet. In droves countless life coaches, salesmen (and women) flood our authentic search with carrot-dangling solutions. None of these, in my time of understanding this subject, has even begun to touch the surface of the depth of money issues for most people.

Even those who proclaim to help us look at what is beneath any money blocks often add a "Click here if you want further information for X amount of dollars".

Many sites tell us to visualise the end result, to feel the experience or the item that we want. They offer us affirmations, hemi-sync CD's, hypnosis; they even tell us to ignore 'what is' and focus on what we want. But I know from my experience that when there are a number of fears coming up to do with this, you cannot ignore them to get to the end result. It often feels like piling ice cream on top of dog poop. It may taste good for a while but eventually the dog poop is still there, laying beneath the surface.

I cannot help but feel that maybe what's beneath not only has the answers we are seeking, but also can unveil a greater depth of abundance from within, instead of merely the material side of the money experience.

For a long time I did not even like the word money on my spiritual path; I preferred the term abundance. I realised it was probably because of some deep other lifetime past-life thing that made me feel that money was not spiritual. Yes, well that's just one potential reason for any resistance I may have.

Many of the sites online tell you how to open your heart to receive, to imagine your heart chakra opening, to imagine your money room has a door, open it.... yada yada yada. The only people this works for are people who don't have their root issues blocking that 'potential' door, who already have little resistance to this subject.

If you are like me, this blog entry may not bring you any answers - possibly, but what it can do is let you know you are not in this alone. Maybe our collective energy can begin to unfold our own inner solutions, inner answers and flow this whole subject wide open.

So to start this off I am going to list some of my potential root issues - it could be some of them blocking me or all of them - or it could be something else I am missing here. My root issues may help expose your own, and for this reason you may find your own inner money door opening. If it does let me know.

Okay....opening myself to this.

I will highlight in bold the key root issues I am aware of right now. Some more may unfold as I write. I feel writing has power. It connects the two sides of the brain and we are physically grounded as well as in tune with a higher guidance.

FEAR OF LOSS

I would like to be open to receiving money so I can travel the world and simply experience a greater opportunity for choice in my life. For however long I am inspired to travel, I will be allowing my intuition to guide me. To follow this path I must say goodbye to my best friend who I have shared my life and home with for the past 8 years. He is the one and only person who intimately gets me, who knows me inside and out, and who loves me unconditionally. He wants me to go off on my travels and it will give him immense satisfaction and joy. However, the fear that arises as well as the excitement is the FEAR OF LOSS. Mike is the first man to listen to me, to be unconditional. He filled a void in me after my father died. He supported me, nurtured me and encouraged me to self-empowerment. He has encouraged me so much that my self esteem has gone from Zero to I would say 80% now. A great leap. So leaving my familiar, comfort zone of Michael scares the beejeebers out of me.

FEAR OF BEING ALONE / FEAR OF BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ME

Travelling means my path will be one of 'REAL FULL-ON ALONENESS', And while I feel my life this past 6 months has been a practice of training to be alone (spending most days alone) the full experience will be when travelling. I will also be fully responsible for me.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN / FEAR OF CHANGE.

Travelling will mean a huge change for me. I will be completely leaving my home behind. I will have no 'roots' in the physical sense. I will have no belongings except the bag on my back. I will be travelling spontaneously with no set plan apart from a flight ticket.

FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO MANAGE, OR TAKE CARE OF MONEY MYSELF.

My female role models in life, related to money, have been taken care of by men. I have no role model for a woman taking care of herself (without getting into financial difficulty). Of course I know of role models in the world, but my memory is of more intimate role models.

GUILT - I am not sure if this is a root or simply sorrow. My father died during a weekend of extreme stress to do with money. That weekend after going through paperwork, he died. He chose to exit this world (for his own soul reasons), and on a personality level I feel he possibly thought we would all be better off financially if he was dead (mortgage on the family home would be paid etc. etc..). (This particular root makes me cry). In addition, I have some guilt about leaving my parental home to move to Southern England. I did so 3 weeks before my Father died. Even though he encouraged me to move I feel I still have some residual guilt that I was not there when he died for him or my family.

FEAR OF WANTING; NOT DESERVING MONEY BECAUSE OF GUILT

Feeling I may be responsible for my father's stress, by spending his money and 'wanting' so much. I got what I wanted and this meant he died. (Oh boy, this came up as I was writing - maybe something unveiling itself here).

FEAR OF RECEIVING

Michael is supporting me right now. Maybe I have a deeper fear that my 'wanting' and ultimately RECEIVING will mean I go travelling on my own and Mike will die (Mike's a fit man but intellectually my mind recognises his age - he's 73 years old). So if I get what I want, I may be left with regret that my getting what I want (AGAIN) because I was unconditionally loved and supported (much like my father did for me all my childhood and into my early twenties) brings the death of those I love. (Now that's a big thing to have on your shoulders isn't it!?).

FEAR I CANNOT TRUST MY INTUITION The headmistress at Primary School told me I had embarrassed the whole school when I was 7 years old because I did not put my flowers where we had rehearsed a day earlier. There was no place to put them, my spot had changed. I did my talk and used my INTUITION and took my flowers back to my seat.

FEAR OF REJECTION

Do I fear shining in the world? succeeding? Have I kept myself small so that I don't stand out and so I belong within my family of origin. My family know Kelly who lives the way I do now. Would they accept a successful me, receiving money in an easy way?

FEAR OF RESENTMENT

I know I have a belief to clear about the ethos that working hard = deserving money. I can see how I view those on a career path and working long hours, or working in jobs they hate for the money. It seems more acceptable to most of society than receiving money easily.

FEAR OF DESERVING

Living my life as I do right now, by taking a sabbatical while I let my life unfold, discover my gifts and talents, a part of me may feel I don't deserve to receive money easily.

And while I have the usual list of beliefs that many people have, that "Money is the root of all evil" and "Money doesn't grow on trees", these are all beliefs I have pretty much cleared within myself , but it is the above list that I feel is ready to be cleared.

So while I have changed, expanded, grown, both spiritually and humanly (one and the same), I could say MONEY is my last frontier. I feel the very writing of this on a public domain is issuing a whole bunch of moving energy through my intention to clear it now.

While I may not have any answers for you if you are reading this, I do hope my questions and my own roots can help expose yours. Knowledge is power and once we are aware, our own natural instincts can move us forward I feel. My inner self knows, so I must trust that life knows the way .

And as always it continues to unfold.

I look forward to hearing your own experiences or any comments you have to share.

I have no doubt I have more to share on this topic in the days and weeks to come.

Tools I am still using with regards to this subject:

EFT (emotional freedom technique) - EFT Universe Site & Hooponopono

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Perfectionism - Set Your Art Free!

2011-05-11T18:20:00.001+01:00

"To create is to move into the unknown - move into the mystery of yourself, to have feeling, to awaken buried perceptions, to be alive and free without worrying about the result. But the mind is conditioned to think it wants a nice painting, a nice tree, beautiful scenery. No! Maybe you want monsters. Maybe you want chaos, maybe you want a mess. Maybe it will feel really good to paint an ugly painting. Maybe that would open your being much more than a masterpiece..."

Michelle Cassou & Stewart Cubley

~Life, Paint and Passion~

Treat Your Fear As A Small Child

2011-05-11T18:18:00.003+01:00

When fear arises as it inevitably does as a human, the tendency is to seek distraction. Quite often we would rather be feeling anything other than fear. So food may enter our mouths, alcohol may pass our lips, the TV goes on, we may surf the net seeking to find anything to either distract us or eliminate the fear.

When in all honesty, in the space of awareness, the fear is held like a small child missing its mother. And really, fear can be as a small child, the child that is desperately wanting to know what's happening, wants to know what the future holds.

It's not the spontaneous, moment by moment creative child; it's the fearful child from our past that recalls similar experiences and puts our current fear in the same box. It's the child that didn't fit in, the child that was bullied or abused and the child that may have been neglected.

What is scared is the memory from our past reliving fears or feelings, too insecure to face new challenges or experience.

Step back for a moment.
Witness the feeling.

I liken it to stepping into the back of my head, it feels like my consciousness steps back.
And this openness happens.

Some days I can sustain this expansive feeling for longer, some days for just a few moments. But by stepping back as the witness of an emotion like fear, we begin to realise the unlimitedness of our entire being.

There are no walls between us and what we view as the outside world. The body doesn't even house our spirit.

The body is the spirit, as are the blades of grass we walk on, the birds that fly in the sky, the air we breathe.

The air we breathe is the biggest reminder of our limitless potential.

So the next time you feel fear, be it intense or a minor fear, instead of distraction wait a moment and breathe it in. Welcome this aspect of you coming up for attention and love and it will nurture you a whole lot more than any distraction could.

See My Other Post 'Welcome Fear'

Welcome Fear

2011-05-11T12:43:00.002+01:00

A teacher once said to me when I was having an anxiety attack, say to yourself: "Welcome Fear". She also went on to say: "God loves your fear, your anxiety, all of who you are. Nothing is not welcome with God."

Yesterday I posted a blog about my trip to the dentist's chair and I awoke this morning with this feeling of terror arising. Not so much to do with the visit to the dentist but moreso a fear of what will happen, what will they say and how will I look after the cleaning?

Sometimes fear can be mind numbing, body numbing. It grips you and you cannot think straight. All sorts of scenarios float through your mind (or in my case this morning flood through my mind like a raging river).

When in the midst of such fear, any fear, it is not a time for positive thinking. When numbed by the energy of panic we have no recollection of possible positive outcomes; we simply revel in the fear based scenarios. So I am here to challenge myself to WELCOME FEAR.

This fear has come at a time of other fears to do with communication and self expression. My teeth, my mouth, it's all the same subject. I made the mistake of checking out dental websites this morning (if I wasn't fuelling the fear enough by my own resistance to it) and images of potential happenings have flooded me.

B..R...E....A....T....H.....E

Who is scared?

The mind, the ego, the small me,
It simply doesn't like what it see's.

Whatever happens I will face it,
I will allow myself to embrace it.

Using Byron Katie's Four Questions and the turnarounds.
Fear - 'Teeth may fall out, roots may show, everyone will see'

1. Is this true? Yes
2. Can I absolutely know that its true? Yes.

How do I feel when I think these thoughts? Frightened, numb, scared, panicky.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

I would feel peace, living in the moment, not fearing the future, I would feel happy within myself, content. I would be myself around others.

Turn this around:

My teeth will not fall out.
My negative thinking may fall away.
The fear may fall away.

The roots may not show.
My thinking shows.
I may get to the root of the problem and find peace within it.

Everyone may see my beautiful smile and eyes.
Nobody will see.

So it is a great probabillity that everything will be far better than my mind has me imagining.

And whatever is happening, it's all unfolding perfectly.

I was guided to the dentist.

I had a female dentist which I energetically requested within myself.

She was straight and direct with me, offering me knowledge.

I now have the power of this knowledge to do something about it.

I am taking better care of my teeth and gums now.

Even if she cleans my teeth and there are changes, these changes are necessary and unfolding perfectly for me at this time.

I embrace myself with love.

I allow this fear.

I WELCOME fear.

This too shall pass.

See My Other Post ' Treat Fear As A Small Child'

Knowledge Is Power - My Visit To The Dentist's Chair

2011-05-10T16:19:00.000+01:00

(A trip to the dentist - a long long long time ago I had some unpleasant dental experiences, which put me off dentistry, I went last year and this year I felt the need to go get my concerns eased, so here is a short poem as the feelings arose, maybe if your scared too it will help put your mind at rest)

Knowledge Is Power

So I visited the dentist today,

It was a scary realisation that came my way,

She was thorough and helped me understand,

Knowledge is my power to give my teeth a helping hand.

She said there was bone loss,

Which I admit freaked me out,

Something I can't get back but I can do something about,

Prevention and attention is what is needed,

So this time I went beyond my fear and her advice I heeded.

So next week is my trip to the dental hygienist,

She's going to give me some tips on keeping them the cleanest,

To put my wellbeing in someone elses hands,

Is something I must trust as source within me understands.

Knowledge is power,

And even though i'm scared,

I am glad that I went and I am glad that I cared.

Question Your Guru!

2011-05-09T17:17:00.007+01:00

One of the things many people neglect to do on the spiritual path is to question spiritual teachers. It's easy not to when they are marketing teachings in the way sales pitches have been sold onto people for years. They fire us up, raise the passion and the excitement in us, and most of these teachers;

"FUEL our DESIRE!"

The emphasis is placed on attaining the 'desire' and much less on whether we are ready to receive whatever 'it' is.

I have followed various teachers over the course of 11 years including Neale Donald Walsh, James Redfield, Kyron, The Crimson Circle, The Beacons Of Light and for the past few years, Abraham Hicks. All offering similar nuggets of wisdom packaged in a new and 'enticing' way. Many of these teachers offer tools, exercises and promises that their knowledge and understanding will bring about what we want.

Generally they point us on our way but they are not 'The Way'. It's quite easy to point fingers at organised religion as preaching the 'only truth', yet in a sense many of these spiritual teachers have a following en mass, acting as mass marketing and once your in 'the group' be it as 'Shaumbra' as an 'Aber' or even a 'Lightworker', once your belief is set and fixed on one set of teachings, there is no difference in this to that of organised religion. The main exception being you might be willing to spend your savings to receive this 'wisdom'.

While many of the teachings offer a step on the road to self-empowerment they rarely offer the whole enchilada for life. How can they? We are all unique individuals viewing life through unique pairs of eyes.

My following teachers eventually led me back to myself which any good teacher should do.

If the teachers you are following are not making the difference you have hoped for in your life ask yourself if these teachings are for you? People change and quite often we can grow beyond a teaching because our inner selves see a different route for us. And we can come to a place in our lives where following teachers, and not having our expectations of those teachings fulfilled, become an excuse to not listening to our own inner voice.

It's very easy to go from teacher to teacher to teacher searching for 'The Answer' to any problems we think we face in our lives. It's much like someone going to see a different counsellor every six weeks because they were not able to 'sort their lives out'.

What made me drop all 'outer' teachers was when I was following Abraham Hicks. I now confess I was probably an 'Aber-Holic'. I read all the books, bought all the Cd's, watched all the videos I could find on 'You Tube' and did all the exercises. I sought out better feeling thoughts but the thoughts did not sustain me. They glossed over what I needed. I grew disillusioned by their teachings and contradictions in both 'wisdom' and their 'methods'.

Now, I recognise this disillusionment was essential to bring me back home, to myself.

I cringe now when I see other 'Abers' preaching the teachings of Abraham, because I used to be that person. No other teaching could match what they said. I was a walking, talking Abraham Hicks sales machine. I related only to other Abers and thought people who did not resonate were crazy. In fact I was the crazy one. I was not questioning anything. Until 3 months ago. I am so glad I did because I had to get off the bandwagon of 'If I Want It I Can Get it' to allow myself the opportunity to want 'What Is' in my life now.

While some teachings are etched in my brain I am slowly but surely finding my own path, my own way and it starts with making the best of TODAY.

Check Out : Abraham Hicks - Looking Beyond The Teachings

You Can't Learn To Be Alone Until You've Been Lonely

2011-05-08T18:25:00.002+01:00

The sacredness of solitude is so often an overlooked experience to be had in life. Society is made to pity the lonely or those who live alone. Later in life single people at dinner parties are pitied by married couples with children. When you hit 30 it's as if the whole world has gone mad in its desire to have you settled down and married. Especially as a woman.

And to actively choose to be alone, some may look on in horror.

Maybe we will turn into old ladies with lots of cats and have purple hair,
but if we were happy would we really care?

Loneliness can turn into depression if the person experiencing the loneliness is not aware that being alone can be an enlightening life-enhancing experience. Many people experience a scent of the lonely and they go running to the nearest man or woman for a relationship, to the nearest bottle to comfort themselves, to drugs or food.

Lonely is only lonely when it isn't brought into the light of our own hearts.
We look through our eyes and see ourselves as apart.

And in a physical sense we all are, but we have the answers within this 'lonely' we talk of.

My brand of 'Lonely' was expressed just today in 'Letting The Lonely Go'. As I wrestled with feelings and screamed out loud, while tears flooded my face, I asked myself: "Do I want more friends, more activity, more busy-ness in my quiet solitude?" My mind shouted: "Hell Yes!", yet my soul, my heart, said "No". It said "I feel like I am still coming from a wounded place". A place where my neediness would infringe upon any friendship I could have, and my feelings of who I am would be totally misplaced.

Today is not the time for extroverted outwardness. Now is the time for exactly this.

If I needed lots of friends and activities in my day,
It is quite simple, they would be here for me and they would stay,
When I am ready for outward interaction and a busier life,
It will be here now and this would be my time.

For I still feel we have what we need and we need what we have. Otherwise we would not be living the life we lead.

So much learning can come from this time alone.
It is scary yet rewarding to spend this time on my own.

For while I may want the outer trappings of the mind.
I look at the truth, my authentic nature wants me to find.

Inside me is a treasure trove of love.
Inside me is a cave full of jewels.
Inside me is an amazing friend.
Inside me is rewards a plenty.
Inside me.

And my quest for now is to become aware of what is inside me.
For I feel that to come from a place of inner wealth, inner strength, inner beauty and inner love, is the best gift I could ever give to this world.

Imagine interacting with the world in a whole different way,
Imagine loving and appreciating life from within you today,
Can you see how rewarding life would be?
How every detail of your life would fall into place as you follow your creativity?

When the Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree
He sat for many days and nights
Not a lonely bone emerged
Because inside he put it all right.

This is the path for me
I decree..

All my travels,
ALL my journeys
I take first inside me.

And as I outwardly travel
And as I outwardly journey
My inner light is there for all to see.

I love the idea of appreciating and accepting who I am.
I love the idea of recognising my beauty, my love from inside,
I love the idea of treasuring every feeling that I am beautifully blessed with,
I love the idea of noticing the world around me with nothing to hide.

Imagine meeting new people, new friends,
Not out of a need for friendship or connection,
But because they crossed your blessed path,
And they enter your life to share affection.

Imagine walking in this world,
Observing all you see,
From a place of centre and wholeness and feeling light and free.

For this is my path.
This is my journey.

And so it is....

A Wonderful Video Can Be Seen On You Tube On This Subject:
How To Be Alone

.

Letting The Lonely Go

2011-05-08T13:15:00.008+01:00

I am told to express my feelings. To let them out. My writing is what I am all about.
With tears streaming down my face, I find it hard to express this place.

Today is my loneliness day.
The harsh reality of feelings curdling through my soul.
Instead of walking or talking back to a safe place
It is time to express this feeling, my way.

While on good days, days when my womanly hormones are not flooding me, my rational and intuitive self soothes me, brings me back to wholeness, brings me back to gentle and loving aloneness.

I am bringing out what is deep within.
Breaking through my tender skin.
I feel lonely today, really lonely.

I felt lonely when I was working.
So it was not about the people but more about my substance in my life.
Now I am allowing the substance to flow through me in my blog and how I write.

I woke up this morning and did my usual facebook thing,
I looked at all the happy people and knew I was bringing something in.

I miss my family today.
I miss my Mum.
I envy when I hear about all the goings on.
Of shopping trips out, girly days,
People coming together in familiar ways.

I miss friends to bounce off,
I have two female friends.
One we go shopping together, maybe once in a blue moon,
We just catch up and get coffee and go shopping in the toon.
One who's a bit flaky, she's lovely all the same,
They just don't give me what I am looking for, hidden within my own name.

I live with Mike, whom I love.
But he's not a girl and he doesn't feel passion.
He's working on it though.
But he's not what I need him to be right now.
He doesn't bounce off me or show enthusiasm.
He doesn't get excited about things, like me.
Its just not his way right now.

My spirit yearns for adventure.
My spirit yearns for play and fun.
My spirit yearns today.
Wishes I was feeling happy to really enjoy the sun.

Today I want my life to be other than it is.
Today I have this resistance raising its ugly head.
Today I feel pain and sorrow and hurt inside.
It's such a resistance the big tears don't seem to want to cry.

I feel frustration that I still resist this resistance. I know my Mum when she reads this will want to pay for me to visit and I don't want this. It would only be a temporary existence.

I know this is just a day, it will pass sometime and go away.
I know what my soul is teaching me, still some loving to be had, inside of me.

I guess I haven't got this ALONENESS cracked yet.
I can understand why so many people fill there lives with this and that.

TV and Internet, Texting and phoning.
Food and alcohol.
It seems so much more appealing.

Most people fear this place I am in.
AND even though I am in it,
I still fear what's beneath it.
But I know its important I am here.
Letting go and releasing these salty tears.

Its sometimes hard to show great courage,
Being brave when it feels like nobody loves us.
But it's not about other people.
It's all about who we are.
Do we have the strength to carry on.

I know I have.
Or I wouldn't be writing this.
My soul knows to soothe and speak to me.
IT MUST LOVE ME THROUGH THIS BLOG TERRITORY.

I have always been a sensitive soul,
Feeling people's emotions from deep within,
When I was a child I felt other's feelings kick in,
So I locked down my heart and did not let it seep in,
I used food and booze to lose the pain,
It wasn't mine to process or make sane.

Yet now, my heart is open,
I feel all the emotions of those heartbroken,
Myself included,
None of us deluded.

I know I cannot gain,
My nourishment from watching other peoples pain,
I MUST DISTRACT my eyes,
And witness what's inside,
Of me.

My life's been opened wide.
There is nowhere left to hide.
All the distractions of life are gone.
Yet my mind chooses some of them to focus on,
As a sense of control in a life where there isn't any.

Being with myself fully.
Can anybody else say they do this wholly?
Switch off the TV, put down your phone,
Switch the computer off, can you be ALONE?

Am I really ALONE?
Is this therapy this poem?

Is it time to let this loneliness go?
And fully embrace my solitude?

SOLITUDE is a beautiful thing.
It means we are comfortable in our own skin.

It's time to see the sacred in the spaciousness.
To see the blessing, in the aloneness.
Once more.

Let the lonely be as lonely is,
For this fleeting moment,
And remember...

This too shall pass.

If You Resonate With This Blog Click Here For 'Sovereign Solitude'

or

You Can't Learn To Be Alone Until You've Been Lonely
.

How Do I Stop The Yearning?

2011-05-07T11:32:00.046+01:00

In my blog 'The Art Of Letting Go' and 'The More You Want Less Changes' I spoke of embracing what we have and recognising that what we need we have right now. Something that I feel is important for me to know, is how do we, when in the midst of life, release the yearning side of our natures? How do we embrace where we are, acknowledge the wonderful in our daily lives, when we are triggered by something that creates this yearning inside for something other, how do we handle this aspect of our nature?

I know that when I am fully present, fully in the moment, fully engaged in whatever I am doing, be it an activity, to simply being in nature, I am not aware of any yearning. However, this yearning for more nearly always arises at some point in my day or week, and this yearning feels like it is coming from a place of lack. My mind, while doing the yearning also wants to be the part of me that wants to chop off the head of the yearning me.

Can we ever stop the yearning for more from a place of lack?

And if we can't, does this mean nothing changes?

While I intellectually get that to release the resistance, is to release the resistance to yearning to begin with, I am still wanting further clarity on this and to emotionally 'get it'.

When do we yearn?

We yearn when we have stepped outside the now.
We yearn when we allow old thinking to step back into our consciousness.
We yearn when we are triggered by emotional wounding by friends, family or life highlighting our difference, through comparison.

Most of all, we yearn when we believe we must be doing something other than what we are doing now, or having something more than we have right now. The mind tells us, 'this is not enough'.

Needless to say it is our need for control of our lives that further reinforces the yearning. We may think being with 'what is' in our lives isn't going to give us the changes we want, and we create a sense of urgency within ourselves. We are often careless with our feelings, careless with how we treat ourselves during this time of yearning. We beat ourselves up for both yearning and not being able to stop yearning creating a lose-lose situation.

So for me I know the first step is to accept that I am yearning. And then it is time to love the aspect of me that yearns for something more. To acknowledge it is okay, it is natural to have feelings like this arise. And just because we may be sitting being, or looking at the same walls it is our resistance to those walls that stops the flow of change, not the walls.

Once we are able to look at the walls, really look at the walls, take a deep breath of acceptance and appreciation of their place in our world, the walls no longer seem like walls.

As humans, for some reason, we may have this belief that we need to 'do' in order to 'have' or 'be' something different. Yet when we push against 'what is' we simply keep ourselves in a holding pattern for however long we do this for.

The sun shines, it rises each morning, yet we do not judge it for rising in the same place of the sky do we? We do not push against the sun shining. We have simply accepted its place in our world. It is 'what is'. And through our acceptance, our acknowledgement and appreciation it enhances our world around us, we grow, the planet grows, the air we breathe happens, the food we need to nourish us is there... all because we have this amazing sun.

In our awareness of the awesomeness of the present moment, our day-to-day lives and life become more vibrant, more energetic and more juicy!

As we release our resistance to yearning; as we allow ourselves to yearn without berating ourselves for doing so, we bring the yearning into a space of nurturing and love and it loses its sting.

And to trust, really trust, that whatever we are doing, wherever we are and whoever we are with, is exactly what is meant to be and that at this moment great mystery knows the way.

This will make life so much sweeter and day-to-day living a blessing instead of a curse.

.

The Art Of Letting Go

2011-05-05T17:48:00.007+01:00

The art of letting go is accepting that what is taking place in our lives needs to take place. To accept that who and what is in our lives is there for a reason. Everything I experience and view in my outer life is all me. I can struggle with these representations of my inner world or accept and embrace them.

I agree with Abraham Hicks that looking intently at something I don't like in life is not going to improve the quality of my experience. However, I do feel we cannot neglect the object of this experience. It's merely a part of who we once believed we were and like any lost object it needs our love, acceptance and appreciation for the role it plays in our world. Only then can it leave our inner worlds and ripple outward into the material world.

'The more you want, less changes'. This is the message I received in a dream on the 1st of May 2011. While it shocked me to the core, it made me question my own experience of life further. It is quite easy to get carried away with the 'wanting' of this law of attraction process. Wanting, desiring and intellectually placing our wants in what Abraham Hicks calls our *vibrational escrow is okay, but if we are not willing to question our hidden beliefs about our worth and inner value it is empty promises and misplaced 'wishing'.

For example with my 'wanting', a simple and honest question I had to ask myself was 'Do I really want more money right now?' And this question has to be directed to the heart not the mind. It is very tempting to jump straight to the answer we think we want 'YES!' but often something lies beneath the reason why this 'want' has not manifested into one's life.

As Byron Katie says in her four amazing questions for questioning our thoughts.

I want more money - is this true?
Can I absolutely know that this is true?
How do I feel when I think the thought 'I want more money?' and I haven't? How do I relate to the world around me? How do I respond to friends and family?
How do I feel when I don't think the thought 'I want more money?'

She then tells us to turn around our thoughts. For example : 'I don't need more money'.

And from here we dive into understanding why we don't need more money, right now.

This questioning really takes off the pressure that we can often put on ourselves. It's all okay, as we always have what we need. Until on a deeper level, we need something different.

Relinquishing control and accepting and appreciating 'what is' in life may not be the easiest thing to do, but it is probably the most worthwhile.

For me I have found accepting 'what is' has led me to my own inner wealth, my own expression of my heart, through writing. For me I am writing my way through my own relief and allowing my life to flow.

I can look at my current life experience, and look at the lack, and feel lack-full inside myself or I can seek the nuggets of wisdom this empty beautiful space has for me.

If life differs from what you want, what is it in your current experience that gives you your greatest teaching?

Your inner self will show you - your way.

For further information on looking more deeply I highly recommend Byron Katies book Loving What Is - which can be purchased from any leading book seller or at amazon.com

*Abraham Hicks defines their term 'vibrational escrow' as:

If you could see an aerial view of your life, an aerial view, where we are seeing you, electrically, it's like you are standing here, and over there is a doorway, and on the other side of the door is lined up all of these things that you've been wanting. They're just leaning on the door, just waiting for you to open it. They've been there from the first moment you asked for them: Your lovers, your perfect mates, your perfect bodies, your perfect bodily conditions, all of the money that you could ever imagine ... all things that you've ever wanted. Things little and big. Things that you would call extraordinary and significant, and things that you would call not very significant. Everything that you have ever identified that you wanted is lined up right outside that door. And in the moment that you open the door, all things wanted flow to you.

Abraham-Hicks recording G-5-16-00

Writer's Stage Fright

2011-05-04T17:37:00.000+01:00

I often wonder how does a writer write for a publisher? How do they go beyond the pressure of writing for an audience and write for themselves again?

To have deadlines placed on them, I cannot see how this is an environment that allows creative juices to flow.

As I feel like a fledgling writer, I sometimes place the perfectionist pressure on myself also.

In 2007 I wrote, but in 2011 I acknowledge I am a writer. And sharing the inner workings of my heart can feel a lot like stage fright.

Putting pen to paper can sometimes feel like the first walk onto the stage before the curtain goes up, to share the art with the audience.

So how does one get past this fledgling shell shock of an audience watching the whispers of our hearts and souls?

Just keep walking!

Your work will act as your wings.

Even if you feel what you write is not worth the ink on the page, it was worth your risk of falling. It was worth listening to your inner calling.

People may love, hate or feel nothing, with no comment, but what matters is you were willing to risk the applause or the silence for your art, your heart.

Art and writing is as unique as the millions of blades of grass in this world and what you bring to your page, is worthy of taking centre stage.

Writing is a form of deep introspective creation brought out into the open in your very own shape and form.

If it didn't need to be written it wouldn't be.

And fear is the master critic but it can also guide us within. Fear is here to guide us.

Let go and trust -

Pen to paper,

Heart to soul,

Walk onto that stage,

And make being yourself your only goal.

The Doorway Within

2011-05-03T17:54:00.002+01:00

It seems I write differently to other writers. I cannot seem to write a list of topics and go to work on them.

As my life is goal free and built on a journey of conscious unfolding and allowing, to plan a piece, to fix an object for my photographs brings up a stifling feeling inside me.

*Momentarily distracted by the rear end of a ducks bottom bouncing in the air by the lake

It would be so much easier if my life was planned out for me. A step one, then a step two and a goal at the end, but it's not. I knew when my desires brought me here to this place of not understanding, of not knowing, that my path was not a straight path but much like the current of a river flowing in ways even I know not.

It would be easier to wake up one morning and know the direction to plot out for my life but this is not my way. For now I am being encouraged to live it day by day.

Sometimes I look in envy at other's paths so well planned out. Careers forming early, goals, ambitions and intentions charted like a flight path, making its way for lift off.

It must be nice to know.

Or is it?

While my current path may scare me, the journey of the unknown, I know no other way but a path I walk alone.

*Momentarily distracted by 8 ducklings the size of an Oreo cookie.

Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we want it to turn out because we 'want' too much. A life where unexpected experiences do not litter the road we walk on. Sometimes we have fixed in our minds what we think we need right now. But what we need may be the lack of what we think we want, because it brings us to questions we had not dared to ask the unfolding of our own hearts. We discover that what we need is a doorway within.

And this is what we all really want deep down,

We want a connection of this deeper soul,

This deeper light,

This love that lies inside,

Our own, very deepest, insight.

A Day By The Lake

2011-05-03T17:35:00.002+01:00

Waddle on up,

Two to a pair,

Wiggle as they walk,

Little bottoms in the air.

Theres nothing quite as smiley,

As flapping quacking ducks,

Shaking in the water, cute little tail like tufts.

Here comes the swan with her infinite beauty and grace,

She becomes quite amusing when she touches her bottom to her face,

Her flexible neck winds around her,

She plucks, she preens, she prods,

All in a days work,

To keep her wetsuit on.

___________________________________

Being A 'Perfectionist' Writer (just thinking & feeling on paper) ...

You can't come to me, you have nothing to say,

No matter how hard I 'try' it's not happening today.

Nature's treasures surround me,

Many blessings have found me,

The sun it shines,

The music is a chorus of an unknown language.

I wear a bug as a ring,

As I write this 'thing',

Its beautiful antenae and anteater snout,

Not sure what jewel he is,

But he stuns me all the same.

He's simply basking on my knuckle,

Tasting me, who knows?

Hes another bug that flies,

They seem to like me,

Don't know why.

____________________________________

If I Could Be Anything?

If I could be anything other than me,

I would be the sap within this beautiful tree,

I would be the nectar to this buzzing bee,

If I could be anything other than me.

Nature seems so much simpler

It is, it 'be's', it simply knows its place,

It doesn't have another face.

____________________________________

The Creative Muse

I'm struggling today to find my creative muse,

She seems blocked by effort as I prod and peruse.

It seemed more simple when I was sick,

My mind less cluttered, my creativity thick.

Maybe today's just not the day to write or play,

Maybe I must simply be with this discomfort and allow myself to pray.

Clawing Leopard & Nipping Duck

2011-05-02T17:49:00.003+01:00

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting on a bench and a waddling of ducks came up to me and began tugging at my trousers and legs with their beaks. I was then approached by a leopard which then clawed at my legs. I was a bit irritated, as apparently (in my dream) this had happened the last time I had sat at this bench. I was wondering when the park owner was going to do something about it.

Leopard spirit tends to be drawn to those who tend to be loners, very comfortable with themselves and are people who are often drawn to other solitary people. This is very true in my case. The fact that both animals were tugging at my legs, really speaks to what I have been doing a lot of lately. Walking.

For the first time in my life, this past 3 months I have been exercising my body. Not with the intention to exercise, but with a strong feeling I must move. Walking is a meditation to me, the repetitive motion of movement falls in rhythm with my own heart and grounds me. The longer I walk, the clearer my mind becomes, the deeper my connection to my heart happens. With walking I have felt a growing feeling of knowing. My intuition seems to have strengthened, my instincts are primed and functioning strongly, and my love and connection to nature has blossomed.

I walk at least 1 hour 20 minutes a day, sit for a while by the river. Or I walk up to 3 hours each day, walking up to a woodland I know out of the city which overlooks farmers fields and has spectacular views. Sometimes I walk through fields to a little church and sit in its graveyard, this is a very silent space. I then walk and sit by the lake and just sit.

I do a lot of sitting and a lot of walking. Alone.

The word alone used to scare me, now the word alone feels like a beautiful loving space to be. I give myself time to be.

It is funny, but since my alone time, my walking and my sitting, my creative writing has become born again. I am allowing myself to express a different side to me, and through writing I let my fingers or pen do the feeling and flowing.

Duck in my dream also has a message for me :

Ducks are connected to feminine energies, the astral plane and emotions through their connection with water.

Ducks remind us to drink deeply from the waters of life.

Find comfort in your element and with those of like mind and spirit.

Ducks teach you how to maneuver through the waters of life with grace and comfort.

Psychologist and therapists often have Ducks as a totem, assisting them to help others move through emotional tangles.

From : Animal Totem - Duck

I look forward to see what else Leopard and Duck has to teach me on my journey.

Blessed Be!

My Moontime Whispers

2011-05-02T17:00:00.001+01:00

My Moontime Whispers

Listen to the wind blow

It knows no boundaries, simply flows

It caresses gently branches bending

This whirling frenzy feels unending.

Can this breeze whisper to my soul:

"Give in to what you feel, let all resistance go."

Carry me away

So I disappear

To a distant shore

Where I know no fear.

Variety is the spice of life they say

But what if for the moment variety isn't your way?

How does one capture the essence of one's desires

Without the pain of wanting but with all the passion of fire?

Continued....

_________________________________

They say during our moontime, flows strong inner wisdom,

I don't really feel it at all

The touch of the earth that breaks my fall.

Fall into what you ask?

What grace?

What must I monthly this time face?

I just cannot see a way through this

Unless I am blessed by an Angel's kiss.

If I want more, less changes

Can we please rearrange this?

It seems humanly impossible

How can I want less?

I know what your trying to say

Enjoy what you have, enjoy each day.

But is this it? Show me how to love my day!

___________________________________________

My mind fights,

Fights this seemingly empty life.

If my mind had its way

My life would be full of adventure and play.

The play that it yearns for each and every day,

Travel, friendships, busy full long hours,

Not simply nature, birds and flowers.

Where's the excitement in nature?

Where's the drama and comaraderie of solitudal ways?

Not enough activity to fill up every single minute of every single day.

My mind fears the void

The empty place inside

Where there is no activity or action

Where it may fill the time and hide.

Stillness and quiet moments

To the horror of the mind

Seem almost like torture at least a tad unkind.

Theres nothing to fall back on

No grandoise thing to share

The ego has no place here and for this reason it is scared.

No boasting to be had

No activity to parade

Around the lands to those we know

It knows theres no escape.

The only thing we can do now is stay a while and wait!

*MOONTIME

Most, if not all traditions of Native American spirituality hold moon-time as a sacred time of purification during which women do not go into ceremony or use sacred objects such as pipes and feathers. Often people from Western culture see this as a disrespectful and negative stereotyping of a woman’s menstrual cycle. We traditional people do not see it this way, as moon-time is a place of honor and beauty...

This was taken from Gift From The Moon by Nicholas Noble Wolf

Cardboard Houses

2011-05-01T17:12:00.000+01:00

A Short Poem On Living Inside Walls

We enclose ourselves in cardboard houses,

Separate from the land around us,

Fixating on moving boxes.

Indoors we sit and compare our lives.

Neighbours rustle windows, curtains

Keeping up with the Jones's

Created by a mass media of our own making.

Creation's Greatest Teacher - Mother Earth

2011-05-01T16:58:00.003+01:00

I feel humbled by this land beneath my feet surrounded by the greatest teacher of mankind. Yet we look to understand through our humanity, and place people on pedestals and assume that man has great knowledge.

Yet we miss out on the greatest teacher creation gave us, Mother Earth. Her heart is central to our civilisation. She has all the answers if we simply listen and hear her gentle whispers through rustling branches and cawing crows. The river flows and bends not knowing its destination yet it knows no struggle - it simply is.

We only know lack when we look around and compare our own humanity with another's.

Nature is Creation's reminder of how easy life can be.

..

Mother Nature, Do You Yearn For More?

2011-05-01T16:50:00.001+01:00

Mother Nature, do you yearn for more?

Does it matter that I live in a world of materialistic tendencies? where more is better and lots is best?

How can I be more like you Mother Earth?

Where the wind blows, seeds fall, seasons change, leaves fall, trees bend and grow, plants blossom and flower.

A tree does not yearn to be bigger or yearn to be a bird that has no roots to the earth but flies high into the sky!

There is no lack where you come from!

I see the feathery seeds getting carried on the wind's air.
It has no craving: it has no care.
It knows not becoming or what possible outcomes lie within its shell.

Some land on the water
Some even land in my hair.

But do they care?
Do they care?

Nature can be our greatest teacher if we only stop a while and stand and stare.

The More You Want The Less Changes

2011-05-01T12:20:00.003+01:00

This felt a bittersweet message to receive in a dream last night but when I understood what it meant it made a lot of sense to me.

Before bed last night I asked for a Beltain dream.

The underlying energy of Beltain is one of reverance for all of life. A time to reach out for what it is you want and a time when everything is possible. So I was very shocked and surprised to receive the message :

'The more you want the less changes'.

Perhaps the spirit of Beltain was truly flowing through me last night and this is a message I will absorb today on my trip out into nature.

My first feeling on this message was, the more we crave, the more we yearn for, the less changes.

Craving and yearning come from a place of lack.

And that natural change unfolds from a place of wholeness, a place where we not only accept where and who we are in our lives but we begin to find a deep respect, appreciation and love for what is.

Hmmm....

My Fly Inspiration

2011-04-30T18:23:00.007+01:00

Watching a large fly clean its feet on my paper,
I see its beautiful wings up close,
A kaleidoscope of iridescent weaves and webs,
A million eyes looking out,
Yet feeling safe in my presence.
I felt humbled by this unique sharing we had today.

The wind blows the cobwebs from my spirit of the past week,
I feel grateful to be out in this green landscape again.
Any insect or creature that happens to land on my skin,
I feel this blessed connection and interaction
That they chose to be part of my world,
For however long.
Be it to taste my salty skin,
Perhaps to simply rest a while,
And a fly simply came to revisit my page of white warm beauty,
Entrancing it to rest its long thin present legs on my page.
Some simply want to come along for the ride.
A bug is carried on my hand,
It shortens the distance travelled,
That seems a few metres to me,
Yet is an entire continent to this gentle creature.

Another green crawling one crawls onto my page,
All wanting to be part of this grand show of creation.
They light up my stage, inviting me in to their world,
Tasting the air,
Oh how I love these crawling ones that fly!

Kelly Martin, April 2011

This Beautiful World

2011-04-30T16:18:00.003+01:00

There is nothing I need more than I have right now.

Everything I need I have within me. How couid I not?

The entire world resides within my heart and soul. And any friendships with others I desire lie buried within the treasures of my own self.

The variety of life surrounds me in nature and the natural world, if only I stood still and viewed the world beneath my feet.

This green home I call my own, looked at close enough, houses a whole race of creatures and mountains and desert lands.

The sky holds within it the expansiveness of the entire whole.

Limitless, endless, infinite in its open view.

Clouds dot this blue space,

Carrying water from the landscapes of this beautiful Earth Mother.

How can I ever view my own life as miniscule or tiny when I carry the whole world inside me?

Never lacking.

For I am surrounded by such everlasting, ever-growing, ever-expanding resources.

The only lack I ever feel is looking through these eyes and fixing my gaze inside, and looking at empty spaces, misinterpretting the emptiness as truly empty,

When all of creation is awakened in that seemingly silent space.

Life is only a struggle when life is viewed through eyes of comparison, limitation, and the belief that we are not eternal beings within this grace of life.

If there was no TV, no media, and we lived as part of the land, and cherished our place as part of this unfolding universe, living within the cycles of nature..

We would thrive.

..

Revealing The Authentic Face

2011-04-29T21:34:00.003+01:00

Painted Face -Taken From Jamie Sams Sacred Path Cards:

The Painted Face speaks of self-expression. It tells you to use your creativity in order to express your feelings, your talents, your desires. Expressing who and what you are at any given moment is healing as well as productive. As you change and grow you may feel the need to alter the way in which others perceive you. Changing your appearance, attitudes, and activities to match the new you may be called for at this time.

The keynote is that this card asks you to open up and allow others to see your Medicine. In that way, you are offering a gift to others who may have need of your talents. Don't deny how you feel, what you think, or what you can offer the world. In truth and with grace it is now time to allow the Medicine of the Self to emerge. You will never lose face by presenting the true Self minus the self-importance.

A little over a week ago I was shuffling my deck of sacred path cards, exploring what this time of quiet was all about for me. I asked myself why was I laid up in bed with a intense viral infection? and what was I clearing out all these toxins in my physical body for?

I had started writing on my blog again, just brief flowing pieces that felt they needed to be written. I read through my blog and realised I had a natural talent for writing, but it was something I had not acknowledged as being a skill I could place any value in. So I shuffled my cards with the intention of understanding what my writing was all about.

During this period of sickness, of deep cleansing inner and outer I had been looking at my picture of the Goddess Lakshmi on my walls. Something about her I wanted to experience. It wasn't the obvious quality of outer wealth she showed in her image, but more importantly, I really wanted to see what my inner wealth was. I wanted to explore inside of me.

I realise that this wealth is a number of things. my love, my inner beauty and talents that I had put into hibernation for long long time.

When I first started writing this blog in 2007 I wrote regularly and after a year it became more intermittent and then it stopped for a long time.

As I started writing again this month, I felt this storehouse of creativity wanting to be expressed. It was when I received the above card that I knew it was time for Kelly Martin to come from behind the curtain and unveil myself, my authentic face.

Its ironic that before I got this card my template (the way this blog is laid out, the colours, background etc etc) was of red curtains. My blog was between the curtains. It felt right at the time and now since changing my template to the open spaciousness of nature, of my very loves of life, this openness of the air in my lungs that I realise I opened the curtains and stepped onto the stage. And the template was actually the template for my life.

My blog had over 160 articles and writing from my past and my recent present. And even though it was on the public domain of the Internet, even though anybody could find me, I was putting out a vibration of hiding behind the curtains. And now the curtains are back and here I am.

This past week apart from physical cleansing, emotional cleansing and mental cleansing, I cleansed this blog. I deleted over 120 old blogs. One hundred and twenty old stories.

The old stories were from the past, many full of pain and fear, processing old old stuff. I realised I could not leave myself in the past. Vibrationally speaking, it was time to erase, let go and have the courage to move forward into a new territory for me.

So with a severe clearing out of the old I am writing this blog from a new fresh space and with a new fresh face.

Thanks for reading. The show must go on!

.