No one can fill the void in your heart, only love does this. Not love from outside, but love from within.
In my past, I was a needy, attached, jealous lover. I was in a state of perpetual ‘not good enough’ and so I attracted lovers who did not value me for who I was. I attracted lovers who reinforced my feelings of not deserving in my life. I lived most of the time in an imaginary future full of ‘hope’ and wishful thinking. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I mentally criticised my previous lovers for all their flaws but most of the time I was actually criticising myself for my own flaws.
Eleven years later and things have changed. Meeting a new man meant facing all those wounds and issues with kinder eyes. Viewing those flaws in myself through more mindful eyes has meant my experience of love is changing. No more gazing into the future, but simply loving for the sake of love itself.
Allowing my wounds to open when they do, embracing them in a mindful way, I have realised a more mindful love makes relating to a lover spontaneous, life-giving, exciting and unknown!
And real love is unknown, it has no edges, there are no limits; real love can be scary, is uncontrollable and brings me home to myself, not to the other.
We can all look to another to give us what we think we are missing; we can all look to another to fill a personal void, but once we begin to look within, to look outside and notice and become mindfully aware of what is really taking place we can experience a new way of being, a way where we risk opening our hearts, we risk being rejected, we risk all our wounds opening when relating and yet we choose to open them anyway and love.
So how do we mindfully love?
⦿ We stop projecting into the future.
⦿ We stop projecting our flaws onto the other and we own and take responsibility for our wounds.
⦿ We trust the nature of love and live in the moment when relating.
⦿ We allow any fears to arise when they come and we don’t beat ourselves up for having fears, instead we nurture them with kindness and welcome them in.
⦿ When we find ourselves thinking about ‘what if’s of the future’ we bring ourselves back to right now.
⦿ We allow the other to be a whole person, we don’t try and change the other person. We let them be who they are in this moment and begin to love all of who they are – flaws and all.
By accepting the other without needing to change them we are allowing ourselves to be whole also. We are saying they are good enough and as we do so we are saying ‘I AM good enough’ also.
Being mindful as we enter a relationship we give love the freedom to flow fully. And as it does we grow and flower in unexpected ways.
How do you practice mindfulness
in your personal relationships?
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Photo 1 - Couple - Everton Vila
Photo 2 - Mindfulness - Chris Ensey