After I split from my last partner I cried a river. It came as a complete surprise to me as logically the relationship had only lasted 3 months and I have been in much longer ones, but I know I was a different person this time.
Previous heartbreak occurred 15+ years ago because I had consciously chosen to be single for some time. In many ways I needed such a long time to re-build myself, awaken to my truth and to grieve the loss of my father.
The knowledge and experience I opened up to during and after were very unexpected. I learned how much I had missed physical touch. I learned how much more I was in tune with myself and my body, which made intimacy more fulfilling than in my past, but I also learned that he was not the man for me because I deserve a man who wants the whole of me, not only a part of me.
And finally I learned that my body is sacred and I won't be so quick to allow a man into it in future because I discovered that my keenness for a heart and loving connection had ignored the many red flags and toxic signposts that were present. When I ended the relationship I cried from my whole being.
Seven days with no respite from tears and looking back I can see I was not crying for the loss of my ex, but the loss of 'what could have been' if things had been different. I was crying for the loss of connection and company.
My tears were so healing, my tears were freedom tears. I gave myself the freedom to grieve fully so now I feel more whole, more grounded and completely open in my heart.
For many women (or men) a challenging relationship can make them shut down and close their hearts and give up on ever being with another person in that way, withdrawing from the possibility of union with another, but I made the conscious choice to not only feel the pain of the letting go, but also the memory of what love felt like in my heart.
My heart loved! It felt amazing. Why would I close myself off from feeling that? I would rather risk loss, rejection and fear for that feeling of connection and love.
Instead of closing myself off from love and further union I feel open, excited, energised, ready for my next adventure into relationship - at the perfect time. I'm open to sharing my world with another man.
Would I do this differently? Yes. I would enjoy friendship before sex because I now realise the hormones that linger inside a woman after love-making can last up to 2 weeks so sometimes we don't see clearly during that time. I would like to get to know a man, his core, his fears, his joys and take my time to unwrap him slowly now.
My heartbreak was an amazing gift and it encouraged me to accept who I am and still encourages me back into my heart. Prior to my previous relationship I could never have said 'I love you' to myself and meant it, but now I am able to and it feels beautiful.
I got to feel love in my heart so I know how to re-direct it inwardly and I am learning to be the wholehearted person that I am.
I am now free to be me.
How have you handled a broken heart?
Are you hiding away from love for the fear of rejection?