How many of us hold ourselves back or belittle our talents to make others feel better? Or we think that if we act smaller than we truly are, they would feel better?
The well known quote:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us..."
by Marianne Williamson, really speaks to the saboteur in all of us. If you have been led to believe you are not good enough for most of your life, you will perpetuate that state for as long as the belief lies unquestioned.
My pattern was going from one dream and project to another. Butterfly hopping from one "This looks good" flower to the next. I never completed a task, a dream or a project. This was because deep inside me was that small child being told she was an embarrassment, and to fulfil that programme playing, I allowed myself to dream, to get excited, but never to follow through. I have had many beginnings in my life but no follow throughs.
So this left me with years of self-created disappointment and depression because of replaying the patterns. My moods swung from extreme highs to extreme lows. I feel somewhere inside me a voice was running the show "Dream The Dream - but it will not amount to anything so don't finish it. That way you won't be to blame as you choose to do something else."
This pattern increased after my father died when I was 26. I had a lot of guilt, regret and self-blame come up. Even though I was not to blame; even though it was his decision on some level to leave the planet, I still had many emotions come up which I held onto for many years. My sister was 13 at the time and some of the guilt came from knowing she had not had him as long as I did, and I think I held myself back on some level because of that guilt. The guilt manifested as holding myself back because I did not feel worthy of greatness, did not feel worthy of letting my light shine. For some time it has felt that everyone was passing me by, even those younger than me. The illusionary age of 40 was lurking around the corner and I had many feelings of being unfulfilled because I was not letting my own talents out. I had felt for years like a champagne bottle that had been shaken up ready to pop but the cork was left in. All because I believed the stories my mind was telling me.
So What Changed?
I met some lovely people on-line, one lady called Rachel Medhurst from Breakthrough Your Journey who introduced me to my first Nanowrimo. Nanowrimo is one month in November when many people get together to write a novel in 30 days. I know it sounds impossible but it spurred me to write my first novel. And yes that novel is not finished (grin - finished writing but needs editing), but it is a series of books so will take time. It was a great seed planted for me. Nanowrimo made me recognise my talent as a writer and that was the course I needed to focus on the most.
I was then re-introduced to Ho'oponopono where I began to make peace with the memories that had created the past 36 years of patterns. This in itself began my first feeling of pride and accomplishment in my blog. I finally began to feel my writing was worthy of reading and so life provided me with new opportunities from there. My blog got busier; I began to get regular visitors and I began to make great connections on social networks. Furthermore, I started my first empowerment book for anyone who has experienced or is experiencing much of what can happen as we grow, evolve and change.
By the end of 2013 I will complete this book and self-publish. No more self sabotaging and self-defeating actions.
The World Reflects Back At Us The Deepest Belief We Have About Ourselves
Over the years it was very easy to believe that those around me did not take me seriously, and this is probably because I did not take myself seriously. Starting a project and not following through does not really shout "achiever", and my ego was telling me I was an under-achiever, so life matched my own self expectations.
As humans, we tend to replay memories, thoughts, patterns, and we wonder why our reality reflects these. But we need not beat ourselves up for doing this either, because I feel genuinely that this too has a purpose. Mine was not feeling deserving of good in my life and that I was not good enough for outward success (see this post for more on success). As time went on while telling people about my ideas, I had a tape playing in the background telling me I was a fraud and that people were really thinking "Oh here is another one of Kelly's projects". Not an easy message to hear. Certainly not a message that will promote self-worth or self-esteem.
I was looking for approval from outside myself but what I really needed was self-approval and I had to begin somewhere.
Affirmations, visualisations were not doing it for me. And for anyone with the 'sabotage' tape playing, affirmations and visualisations won't necessarily bring you that esteem you are seeking. They will merely paper over the cracks of the tapes playing. The tapes need to be addressed first.
With change like this it takes commitment and you need to be ready.
You may not be ready - this is okay.
I was not ready until now. I am a big believer that you cannot force change and that life naturally unfolds when we are ready. The divine in us knows the pace, the timing, the how we allow change to take place and what is for our highest good.
Do you feel you are holding yourself back?
Why do you think that is?
What memories are you replaying?
Is it time for change?
Are you ready?