This past week has been an interesting time for me. On Thursday I celebrated the Winter Solstice. I had made the conscious decision to say goodbye to celebrating Christmas on the 25th of December, even though I had been celebrating that day for 34 years. It was an enlightening experience and took me to a place within myself where more feelings and emotions arose.
While it was a beautiful day on the Solstice, the weather was perfect, Mike and I had a long walk to Lassington Woods. We sat on a log and drank spiced cider and I did a little ritual, placing bird seed in and around the trees. It was also a very surreal experience to open gifts on that day and I found it a little difficult when family (of which I had told them well in advance and what I would be doing) responded with "OH! you have opened your gifts today."
On the actual 'Christmas Day', to see no presents under the tree brought up sadness. Even though I am not Christian it brought up feelings of stepping further outside my comfort zone. A zone where I have been steadily stepping outside the realms of what is labelled 'normal' for some time. It was such a strange feeling. And it was later confirmed when watching a movie where the main character was saying how if you did not celebrate thanksgiving or other celebrations, nobody would say anything, but say you don't celebrate Christmas and you are treated like a leper.
And while I was not treated like a leper, it just made me aware of the ever-widening gap between 'fitting in' and being who I am.
So today, it is Boxing Day in the UK and more feelings have arisen. And I watched a video someone posted on Facebook which triggered a potential change in perspective for me. I realised as I look around me, the 'lack' of people in my life, the 'lack' of social interaction, the lack of 'stimulus' and the emptiness of my world may just have been the biggest gift I have gifted myself as a soul here to experience living.
After reading some Bartholomew books, I realised I had chosen a path that would bring me home to myself, and who I am, quicker than say a person that had chosen huge riches and status. For huge riches initially in one's life can be the biggest distraction a person can have. I could be surrounded by all the material gifts in the world; surrounded by people and friends and family. The phone could be ringing off the hook with people wanting to be with me and talk to me. But, what would happen if this were my life? I would never look inside my heart to see what my soul, my heart was deeply longing for.
Inner Peace, Inner wisdom, Inner love and Inner Power.
And while it was possibly not the easiest path I could have chosen, it has obviously taken away everything that would cause my egoic sense of self to engage in the drama and daily distractions of life.
Imagine a life when looking through the eyes 'appears' empty. Empty of people to love or be loved by, empty of roles, status, jobs...Seriously, this is what Monks go up to the top of mountains and sit under trees to experience. And in this busy hectic Western world my soul, my divinity has carved out a piece of human time and space where I have free, open, space where the only way I can be, is present. What a Gift I gave myself.
My ego likes to tell me I must need to do something else and that 'Being' is not enough and my ego would say this to me because the ego needs attachments and boosting all of the time. And I have discovered that the path of aloneness actually does not give you a quick flip of the switch and suddenly you see, feel, hear, know your divinity - NO. The path of aloneness actually takes you through the fire of cleansing transmutation and transformation. Because all of the attachments, all of the fears, often hidden by distractions, have this wide open space to come up within. And so the deeper core stuff arises within that space.
So the gift does not always have pink bows and sparkle but raging fire and water. So much so even the inner core temperature of the physical vessel changes. This past month my core temperature has had some intense heat going on. So much so last night both Mike and I actually somehow heated up our flat with energy. No central heating on but at 4am it was 22 deg.C and it was actually colder during the day when the heating was on. We both lay in our separate beds with blankets off burning off the energy of transmutation taking place.
Mike is going through his own changes. He is expanding and going out into the world, socially. Prior to this, Mike went through a long period of aloneness, he went through the fire, so that he no longer 'needed' or depended on other people for his sense of value or worth and so now people, very loving caring people welcome him into their circles and life.
And so he goes out socially and I go into myself. Finding my own friendship from within. Sometimes it's easy, a lot of the time lately it has been a challenging gift - I can only feel and trust it is a gift that needs to be savoured and unwrapped at its own pace. Unfolding life, unfolding me.