"...If you penetrate to the core of your existence you can see through the outer show of others. By presenting yourself as you really are, you can make them aware of the process you have been through, so they no longer have to hide themselves from you."
Changing Line 6 - The IChing - Frits Blok
Last night I had some thoughts show up about trust and how I feel about people. People in general. I realised most of the time I don't like or trust people. I like them when they are nice, supportive, giving me attention and friendship and I do not like them when my ego tells me they have rejected me, are ignoring me or judging me. And knowing that my 'outer world' is a mirror image of my 'inner world', it stings deeply to know how I must be feeling towards myself a lot of the time.
People to me seem like hard work. All this effort I must put in to get them to even pay attention. I inwardly smile inside when I realise my last statement is still the remnants of my 'people pleasing' days. I risk isolating myself further, pissing people off by saying this but it's how I often feel. It's that needing validation from outside myself again, rearing its ugly head.
After doing an IChing reading last night (hence the quote above) it was confirmed what was going on inside me. And I am always wanting to clear out the crap to make way for the fresh new inside me and let the love through. On the changing lines of the IChing it said how I felt people were out to get me and how I felt people are not to be trusted. It mentioned this was false and I understand it is - intellectually.
I wrote down some beliefs last night to share my process so that by stripping down my walls of facade I can show my true heart and in doing so feel a deepening connection to both myself and to others. Of course this blog entry may do the opposite but it's a risk I am willing to take.
The beliefs I now recognise are as follows:
- I can't trust people.
- People let you down.
- People don't believe in me.
- People forget about me.
- People ignore me.
- People don't care.
As I sat in bed last night I did some turnarounds from 'The Work' by Byron Katie and discovered perhaps the opposites are just as true.
- I can trust people - I can't trust my thoughts - People can't trust me.
The last one hit home. People can only trust me if I lay it on the line where I am coming from and what is going on inside me. I realise from interactions on facebook, I notice those with good friendships put the time in to those friendships and I wonder why they don't speak to me hardly and I realise I do not put the effort in and I am unable to - at this time. I feel when I do 'try' to be loving and interested, it's a façade some of the time, and people must read through it, and see that I'm more interested in me.
I looked up the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder* a little while back because I felt someone I knew had it. And I noticed how many of the traits I had (possibly including inferiority complex). Perhaps to a lesser extent because I do feel a deep empathy for people and narcissists do not. I wonder how many people interact with other people to get attention or to get feedback or to get validation for who they truly are?
I consider the people with open hearts fortunate. Those with the ability to love others unconditionally blessed. And while I feel open-hearted to the natural world I realise that my old childhood programming and experiences leave my love for people a lot less.
Why am I the way I am? While I may not always be like this, and love the experience of connection with others, and relating from time to time, I want my heart to open more - most of all to me, because my outer world, the movie of my life, could not 'appear' the way it is without my inner world being slightly off balance.
Continuing through my turnarounds I discovered other possibilities:
- People don't let me down - I let me down - I let people down.
Something in my heart slams shut when I begin to see a friendship or relationship forming because I have this program running that tells me "do not take the risk of letting someone in because they always reject me or disappear". My earlier experiences in childhood were my first friend being taken away to live somewhere else and most if not all of my friends from school 'sneaking' off with other girls. I was an outsider in the playground, often feeling isolated, not fitting into the group. Girls hung around in twos or threes and I was always the oddball number four.
It's funny that now, one of my only female friends in my area, told me recently how at school, her childhood was the same, always on the outside of groups of girls looking in. We are similar in many respects.
I also recognise that when I do meet a kindred spirit in terms of friendship I have latched onto them in the past. The deep need to be accepted and loved and to feel that loving female connection. I met a lovely lady a few months back from a group I was part of online, and we had a brilliant 6 hours just talking over lunch and I felt heard; it felt intimate, it felt like pure love. And I knew there and then that if she lived in my area I would lose myself in her, in our friendship. So I now know why I need to have an isolated experience of life, most of the time; seeing few people so I can get fully grounded in 'who I am' so I do not 'need' another to complete me.
She was so wise and said it would be easy to become dependent - as if she had read my mind.
I am not sure how to strike a balance in friendships - yet. I meet people both in the past and present (females) and I attract unavailable people into my life. I know why. It keeps me both safe and also gives me room to open my heart to me. I often envy the friendships of women who have known one another since childhood. They have deep friendships and are like family. I have never had that.
I, in all honesty, do not feel I am ready for that right now. I have a lot of grounding into me to do first.
And some of my traits I need to either come to terms with or change. For example being selfish and controlling and wanting people to be the way I want them to be to make 'me' happy (that was a statement that felt rather risky to mention). I often blame it on my Sun sign; i'm an Aries and apparently we are the first sign of the zodiac and our key statement is 'Me first!'. The child of the zodiac. But it's time to take responsibility here.
After talking with my ever-accepting, tolerant mentor Michael, I realise how I am in the process of developing my inner adult. He spoke to me recently about how we all have 3 aspects to who we are. We have the Parent, which can be either the soothing and nurturing parent or the critical parent. The critical parent beats up on the inner child. I always felt for the longest time I had not grown up into an adult and I understand why I felt this way. My inner adult was very weak for so long. Instead I had this critical parent beating up on my inner child and I also had this rebellious child running the show. My inner adult is much stronger now than it has ever been but I still have more growing into my grown-up shoes to do.
Back to my turnarounds:
- People do believe in me - I don't believe in me - I don't believe in other people.
It would be lovely to feel other people genuinely believe in me. I find it hard to believe at this time. Because I have chosen to take time out exploring other avenues, not taking the solid, conventional employment route and fitting in with social norms. It feels like an ongoing process (I wanted to say battle because inside me it can often feel that way), to speak to myself, as an adult letting myself know that the choices I have made, the lifestyle I am living is perfect for who I am right now and what I need. My focus has to be strong to keep my inner child from being beaten up by my father's and society's old work ethic of working hard and struggling to make ends meet. So people believing in me?
Being on a new path that I have not walked before and even though life is unknown for everyone (even if they are in 9-5 job) my task right now is to believe in me. For if I believe in me it will not matter if others believe in me for I will not allow disapproval into my life from others anymore. And if I do come across disaproval it will not matter to me anymore.
Do I not believe in other people? I sometimes wonder how many people I know that are being authentic and real. Does the outer façade reveal the real person? Are they genuinely that 'together'? or like me, are they hiding their true face with a façade of outer appearances also?
I guess when you find it hard to believe in yourself, how can you believe in other people? it brings up anger when other people 'appear' to be succeeding , but in your own eyes through the programming of conditioned thinking, you are not. If I am to honestly look at myself now. I am succeeding. I am a perfect example of Kelly Martin. Travelling new paths, letting myself be seen, allowing myself to follow a path less followed and letting myself step aside from the conventional mainstream mass consciousness of society and live an in independant unique 'Kelly Path'.
And more turnarounds:
- People don't forget about me - I forget about me - I forget about people
This first turnaround I cannot possible know for sure. So my thinking is very bogus in believing the opposite of this thought. But I realise I must forget about 'me'. I look outward to see who I am, when I need to look inward to see who I am. Must remember this.
I don't know if I forget about people but if I feel rejected or ignored I block them out - probably on an emotional level to protect myself from further hurt. And if I do this no wonder I feel they have forgotten me because I have sent out a clear signal to 'keep away'.
This is an ongoing process for me; to remove the façade, to reveal my true face. Perhaps in this blog entry I have gone some way to bringing any suffering up to the surface for examination. For anything unquestioned can rule our lives and the choices we make in our lives. But revealing those unacknowledged and perhaps hidden aspects of our ego and mind can allow us to bridge the gap between who we think we are and who we truly are.
*Narcissistic Personality Disorder
*Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Basic Diagnosis of Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder Site)
You might recognize some of the 7 common traits of narcissism in a colleague, parent, child, spouse, or a friend:
- An inability to listen to others, and a lack of awareness of another person’s deadlines, time frames, interests or perspectives.
- An inability to admit wrongdoing - even sometimes when presented with objective evidence of their errors or behavior.
- Coldness, or overly practical responses to interpersonal relationships; a sense of distance or matter-of-factness, emotionally.
- Can be prone to severe bouts of anger, particularly if directions or orders are not followed.
- Has the ability to write friends off forever, often over small or only ‘imaginary’ transgressions.
- Pride in the accomplishments of children (if they have them), family members or friends, often combined with an overly developed desire for control over family members’ directions and activities.
- An above average interest in social class and importance may also sometimes be seen.