Sunday, 14 August 2011

Embracing LOST


Hi Everyone,

I have missed blogging here but it just hasn't felt good for me to write my thoughts down publicly this past month and a bit. Lots has been going on, inside me.


A quick round up of the 'stuff'.
  • Acknowledged some deep childhood issues and making peace with the women in my life.
  • Allowing myself to re-connect with close family.
  • Letting the woman in me connect with other women.
  • Delved into Goddess spirituality and myself as a Goddess.
So the meaning of the title of this blog post reveals my current internal state.

I went from allowing my life to unfold to trying to catch up and run a marathon with people I perceived were doing far better than me in life.  I went and I am still recovering from a deep case of the 'Comparing Crap'.

It has been nearly a year since I left my last job and while I have experienced solitude, embraced it: experienced loneliness, embraced that: Now it's time to embrace the feeling of LOST.

I read an article online recently about prosperity consciousness and how a woman who hit rock bottom, ended up living a rusty holey caravan and had pretty much nothing. She spoke about how she had nothing left to give, nothing left to try - to 'make' her life work, to make prosperity come into her life. So she saw that she had been running from poverty consciousness. Almost as if she ran fast enough, did enough affirmations, positive thinking, efforting through life, she could escape poverty - the feelings of poverty, primarily inwardly.

And so she imagined poverty as a child outside of herself and realised she could not run away anymore. To try and stave off poverty or lack feelings just brings more lack and poverty into focus. So she faced it and embraced it and her life changed.

I relate to this so much.

I am 35 in earth years and I have been 'trying' to:

  • Increase my self esteem and feel better about who I am.
  • Open my money/ prosperity door.
  • Get myself a purpose/talent/reason for me being here on this planet.

All absolutely fruitless, all have led me in a circle back to here, NOW.  Again.

I realised I have been feeling hurried and rushed as if my earthly age means I must play catch up with all the younger or same age people as me with regards to what they are doing in life.  I did the comparing crap and saw so many people moving forward in the direction of their dreams.  I saw so many people on the career path and most of all I saw sooo many people KNOWING the DIRECTION they want to go in.

And I just tried, tried, and tried some more to do anything and everything I could to discover what my passion was in life. And I came upon wall after wall after wall.

So much so this week I dreamt I was in a department store and whole bunch of people (including me) were trying to get to the next room, or way out, and these glass walls kept coming down.  They were like one of the gameshows on TV with obstacle courses.  All of us could see through the glass where we wanted to be and the most revealing part of it was we stood in a line near the glass door and I found myself in racing pose, as if my foot was on the starting block waiting for the wall to go up and run as fast as I could forward.  And frustratingly in the dream another wall came down just as quick. 

I was told in a dream that I musn't try and run away from the feelings of feeling lost in life, that embracing LOST has something to teach me.  It may seem a dark cavenous place, but in that dark is discovery and understanding.

So right now I am having to remind myself - it's okay to be lost.
It's okay to not know where I'm heading.
It's okay that I don't know what my passions are (my deep passions).
It's okay to embrace poverty consciousness and to not fear it and to not try to flee the feeling. 

No amount of Law of Attraction, positive thinking is going to make that shift for me. In fact the very 'trying' to feel better and feel in a prosperous place is becoming detrimental to my own balance.

I am in recovery of ongoing stress and allowing the freedom of BEING LOST.

It's okay to not know.  I am not a failure because I have not discovered who I am or what I am here to do.  I don't need to be of service to the world. I understand this but the need to have something to get my teeth into, something that really stirs my soul, has been causing me a lot of problems.

I am letting myself understand  I AM ENOUGH exactly as I am, right now.  BUT, I am no longer going to 'try' and feel enough anymore.  I cannot think my way through this process. 

I cannot see the way forward or a brighter future.
Because I am not in that place right now.

And it is okay.

It is okay to be present with BEING LOST.

I guess I have been feeling so afraid to stop and let myself say :

"FUCK! I have no idea how I am going to (get money door open, go travelling, discover my passions, feel better about who I am) make things happen for me".

To acknowledge to the world this LOST place I am in right now.

I cannot be LOST without the ability to find myself again.

LOST
LOST
LOST
LOST

It's okay.






14 comments:

  1. I'm so happy you posted again! I understand you've been going through a lot and it's hard to share that in a public domain. I'm guilty of comparing. When I get in a rut, it's all I seem to do. From my career, to my relationships to my finances to my body.. I can compare and criticize everything. But it's dangerous and destructive and it's something we need to learn not to do.

    I find what helps is listing all the great things you have achieved or experienced.

    I try to remind myself that everyone has their own path to take and what works for someone else may not work for me.

    "I was told in a dream that I musn't try and run away from the feelings of feeling lost in life, that embracing LOST has something to teach me. It may seem a dark cavenous place, but in that dark is discovery and understanding."

    Your dream gave you such an important message to follow. Feeling lost is okay. Embrace it. Let is show you the way.

    xoxo

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  2. There are so many ways that I relate to this post. I've also been a comparison junky! It hasn't served me well. Sometimes I get so caught up in comparing that i don't live my life.

    Thanks for sharing this!
    Lori

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  3. What a great, honest and open post. I think it's normal to go through phases of comparing. It happens to me and I went through a huge phase of chronic comparing when I was about your age.

    When we choose to follow our heart and forge out our unique place in this world, there are times in life when we can feel really out of step with our peers, especially during the "baby making" years ;) This is also around the time when our peers that did the traditional school/career path seem to have a much more solid place in this world as well, which can make us feel even more lost and out of step.

    Keep doing what you're doing. You are right. There is nothing wrong with feeling lost. Embrace it and keep focusing on what you love and what brings you joy. It will all come together in time.

    Julia's advice is great. Start writing down your accomplishments. I have a good friend who's a life coach. He specializes in finding purpose. Check out his blog. I don't have the cash to work with him, but his articles have helped me immensely.

    http://cormackcarr.com/blog/

    Hugs ~ Marla :)

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  4. Wow our journeys are so similar. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been feeling lost and all of us feel lost at times. You're right we need to embrace it and listen to the lesson that feeling lost has to teach us.

    Some of us may seem like we may know where we are going and may in reality not know, but put a good mask on. All we have is NOW, no one really knows the future anyways. You will know what you are meant to do when it is right. It will find you. Don't worry about earthly age or time, all is unfolding exactly how it should be no matter what we may think. Lots of LOVE to you Kelly! *hugs*

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  5. Hi Julia, thanks for commenting hun, really appreciate it. I do 'try' and list and consider what I have achieved and the good things about me. And I was writing a self esteem journal for around 30 days but as soon my period hit me I lost all sense of self esteem and was back to square one with how I felt about myself. My period is due at the beginning of next week and I already sense the changing hormones causing me to feel like the biggest piece of crap ever born. Sorry to get so melodramatic I just feel like I could crawl in a hole. My achievements mean nothing to me, I look back and instead of seeing achievements I see failed dreams and I just have got to the point where I just have nowhere else to go. I wish I had passion for now. I unearthed some artistic talents but like anything lately or for some time I feel passion for the first week and then it dies and disappears. I see no purpose. Completely utterly lost. Today posting this comment I am aware I am not embracing LOST I am resisting lost and feel like screaming so loudly. People tell me to work on my self esteem yet I spent lengthy periods of time considering my strong points and talking to myself and letting myself know I am enough as I am, right now. But its only words and doesnt touch the surface. I wonder if im depressed I just don't know. Thanks for listening. Hugs xxxx

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  6. Hi Lori, thanks for posting. Yes comparison, it seems as time passes by the more I compare its a vicious cycle I need to get out of quickly!

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  7. Hi Marla, yes it is very true, now im in the baby making, marrying, career path years its a really bloody challenge to not focus on what im not doing. I find it painful to even see people who have direction in life or passion for life right now. I don't know if im doing to the right thing or anything. I guess I haven't given myself time to embrace LOSS yet. As it just came up for my this week. I have a lot of anger arising right now. Hugs x

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  8. Jennifer, your post made my cry. Thank you. I guess I feel really internally pressured right now. And have for too long been 'trying' develop a purpose and passion for living and its just not happened. I thank you all for letting me express and rant and share my feelings. I really need sisters right now. I really need womanly love. I have been making peace and friends with my Mother this past month and my Sister and I am visiting them for a week in September. But I dearly would love to be in a better feeling place when visiting as in the past I have felt so disempowered because of my life circumstances and different choices made. Hugs xxx

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  9. aww *hugs* Kelly I Love you and I am here for you whenever you want to rant or vent. I sooo feel where you are right now. I feel that confusion and pain too! We definitely are Soul Sisters!!! This will all pass. You are the eye of the storm of confusion. And you will rise like the phoenix. I know this! Use this confusing time and any obstacles to your advantage. And I hope you have a great healing time with your mom and sis (funny how it is opposite for me right now with my mom and sis as they hate me right now lol *sighs*) I'm watching your new video right now! BIG *hugs* again!!! xoxo

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  10. Love you too hun xxxx A phoenix sounds a great bird to be right now. Thanks babe, yeah some company will be nice more than anything. Are you okay about whats happening with your mum and sis? feel free to email me if you need to get it off your chest xxxxxxx hugs a lot xxx

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  11. I just did a reading from the Osho Zen tarot online and the card (which made me chuckle) I got for 'the internal issue for which I am unable to see was':

    A completely black card. Called 'No-Thingness'.

    "Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born."

    That would be nice.

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  12. Hey Kelly Martin,

    Sorry that I'm a little late on reading this, but I wanted to comment because I feel what you are going through.

    As you are aware, there are plenty of gurus who have plenty of problems, but they don't talk about their problems publicly because they don't want their followers to see them as less-than-perfect (not that I'm digging at any specific guru *wink wink*). I think it's nice to see that there are true teachers out there--like yourself--who are willing to say, "Things aren't going well right now, and I sure don't have this figured out, but I'm doing the best I can." There is so much more value in that than there is in listening to some guru who acts like their life is perfect. This post is so bold and open, and it takes a lot of bravery and strength to say something like this when you know there are people out there just waiting to tell you that you're negatively attracting, avoiding a soul contract, not listening to your inner voice, or not adhering to some sort of life philosophy or another.

    Thanks for keeping it real.

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  13. Hi Kyra, lovely to see you hun. Its funny you should mention what you said about gurus I did a video (to the right of the page on 'questioning the law of attraction and do we indeed create our reality', because since letting the Abe thing go I think I was left with a gaping void in my belief structure and have been trying to figure so much stuff out.

    Thanks so much for being here while I keep it real. I am a recovering people pleaser and to not be all happy fluffy bunny is a real relief.

    Oh yes, I know people can so easily tell you the 'negative' is making you attract it a few years ago someone on another site kept telling me when we had a disagreement she was simply reflecting back at me my shit. Haha! while I know my outer world reflects my inner world no-one needs to hear that crap from someone else. Its an inside job.

    Much love Kyra and how are you doing by the way?

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  14. I'm doing very well. Thank you for asking. I just got back from vacation, so I feel refreshed. I have to admit, though, that for the first few days, my inbox was pretty full (this was fairly overwhelming--but in a good way).

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Thanks!

Great to connect.

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