I am sitting at this computer to help me understand what I need to know right now about this subject of validation. It is not until I started questioning where I am coming from that this subject keeps coming up for me.
When I felt part of the human tribe, an insider, a person who belonged to a group or sector of society, my validation, my reason for being came from reflections my mind saw in another's eyes. So when I belonged I felt validated. The only problem was I had to cross streams, leap tall buildings and be someone I wasn't, to receive this validation. I had to fit in to feel at ease in the world I was living in.
In the earlier years, it was wearing the right clothes, listening to the same music. We all fitted together as a clan, a group. In my later years I drank a lot of alcohol to fit in. Alcohol drowned out the voices of insecurity and esteem issues. Yet I fitted in. My drunken behaviour, my uproarious laughter and doing what my friends did validated me. I ate sugary substances and overindulged in many things so that any sense of not feeling validated was numbed and blocked out.
Now, I am sat here wanting to experience the ageless quality of my soul, yet I feel defined in my own head for my age group. At 35 the subject of validation is screaming at me. This time I have dichotomous feelings of wanting validation for what I am doing, but also feeling not validated when I receive it. And then I feel rejected and insecure when nobody seems to see me and what I do. It's almost as if I wear an invisibility cloak.
I feel as if I have come full circle. My initial excitement and thrill at writing, creating art, photography has waned somewhat and I feel left with the age old question again - who am I?
At 35, I struggle with the feelings and thoughts that I should be doing something different from what I am doing. And even though my inner wisdom, in periods of clarity, tells me I am exactly where I need to be, I still have my moments like this.
I have nothing solid to validate myself with. My soul is all I know and it has no concrete substance to it. My love of nature and this planet, has no concrete substance to it. It's a feeling. My ego feels hurt or rather my ego gives me thoughts that hurt, that there is really no point in anything.
I feel all these years I have been seeking self validation and no amount of what I have done so far has brought this feeling inside me. There is still a seeking outside of myself, for the world to say "Hey Kelly, you are okay!".
Yet, even if the entire world were to say this to me, it would not matter or touch me, in all honesty. For the void inside where validation needs to be cannot not be filled by anybody else but me.
And I know not how to do this, or feel this, or bring this from within me.
What worth is my writing, my speaking, my photography if it does not benefit me in some way? I have lived too long with the feeling of wanting to help others and support them, when I know I want help and I want support - and I want it all from me. Nobody else.
While people can trigger inspiration or understanding or clarity in me, it is still down to me, here.
I can't see my purpose on this planet anymore.
If the purpose of life is to feel good and enjoy life, what am I, Kelly, meant to do in life? My ego is telling me that all of my writing, all of my creativity, is absolutely pointless. I can see no reason to continue other than something in me wanting to be expressed.
Are those that are confident and full of esteem, people who were validated in a healthy way as children? Encouraged to be who they are?
I am annoyed right now because I felt that my self-esteem had increased so much this past 8 years, and I felt finally, FINALLY, that my creativity, that I had buried for so long, was coming up for air and I thought this meant that my reason for living, being, was finally here!
And while my intellect knows that my reason for living and being is simply that, being, here, now, and intellectually I know that my soul, my unique expression of me, is all that I need to be here on this planet, emotionally, I still have big sucky moments!
And even though, I know that embracing the unknown, allowing life to unfold, is what I am supposed to be learning here and allowing...I still have freak outs when I cannot see where my creativity is taking me and as a result my mind screams "SO WHAT'S THE POINT?".
At the moment because of fear of the unknown, because of not trusting in the process of life, I see no point in art or playing or anything. Yet here I am writing. Go figure!?
I cannot be the only person that feels a need for validation. Don't most people? Is it not why people strive on their career paths to get people to like them, validate them as persons? Or are many people so high in esteem they simply want their work validated? Or do many people see themselves as separate from the work they do? Or is it a small minority that are able to feel validated for simply being alive?
I want to live a life of passion. Doing something I am truly passionate about. And I want to want to do this for me, not for validation from those outside of me.
I had hoped by writing this I would understand or gain some clarity but I guess not. I may even delete this post. Why? Because it may not be of benefit to anyone else. And why do I care? Because I want validation! No, but I don't. I want validation from me. So why write or post it.
I guess maybe just by getting it out, I can go and have a big old cry and maybe just let myself be for a while.
(This is a nice movie but tends towards validation from other people)
(And another blogger with similar thoughts)