Sometimes life throws you internal curve balls and if something is not dealt with it simply becomes bigger and bigger until we have no choice but to deal with it. My curve ball is anxiety.
Anxiety has been an emotion that has been so familiar to me ever since I was a small child. My mother suffered from it, my father suffered from it, and I guess I did from an early age also. I learnt to be very afraid of life and experiences, most of all with this inbuilt training of being a worry monger, which has been quite excessive over the course of my life.
This past 9 months I have been managing it quite well, and beginning to enjoy the flow, but more recently as I have felt some changes taking place in me, and in my direction in life, the anxiety has been growing.
I guess my ego felt very threatened. I was feeling creative, flowing, unfolding, blessed and appreciative of life, and this being in the moment can feel like a big ass threat to the ego's need to control. So I tried to deflect it by focusing on other things and alas my physical body kept reflecting the anxiety back at me.
Normally I would say to others and to myself : "Feel your feelings", as I know well that resisting my feelings simply makes them stronger and bigger. So I did not listen to my own advice and panicked about the panic.
Anxiety, if you have never experienced it, can feel like you want to move and do something, but you may feel frozen with so much fear you are unable to even make physical movements. I liken it to being trapped inside my own body not able to move.
This past few days anxiety has been intensifying in me, mainly revolving around a really obsessive thought about my teeth and gums. And this is only one subject my mind has been using to get a sense of control.
Worry is a sense of control in someone who is anxious. In some strange way worrying can feel like an attempt to stave off a future that in the mind can feel incredibly terrifying. Worry and anxiety are all future feared ways of being, responding in the present moment as if you are experiencing the panic of a past experience also.
Those who experience anxiety may understand the symptoms. To me it can feel like an intense cold energy inside me, as if all the cells in my body are vibrating at minus 30 degees and prevent me from making clear judgements. The mind goes into freeze mode, the eyes take on this staring quality; everything feels frozen in time.
It can feel frustrating that the law of attraction brings similar thoughts to what we think also, because during bouts of intense anxiety the thoughts are extremely frightening and the emotional range is extremely strong, so getting out of the cycle of anxiety can sometimes feel like an uphill struggle.
My particular intensity arose a while back. I noticed my mind going in obsessive circles. There was 3-4 things it would latch onto, knowing it would keep me in a state of worry. First a fear of my hair falling out, second a fear of my teeth falling out and third 'floaters' that appeared in my eyes that made me extremely angry. The last one is skin issues arising on my face. These are all irrational fears.
False Evidence Appearing Real.
Now looking at my life always symbolically, I looked and questioned, what are they trying to tell me?
They are all the fear of loss.
Fear of losing hair
Fear of losing teeth
Fear of losing my sight.
Fear of losing my looks.
The hair and teeth came to me as a fear of losing my roots (roots of teeth/roots of hair) and the roots being the roots of a stable base in life, a comfort zone of the known in my life, the roots of my best friend Michael. The sight fear became a blockage in my view of life. And the looks thing came about as a fear of not living the life I desire before I get old and wrinkly.
These are all extremes and I am not sure if anyone reading this has similar fears but my mind has been using these fears to keep me frozen.
This morning the sun was shining and I felt unable to move. I lay in bed frozen in fear. Screaming for help, for an outside source (not believing in God, Goddess, Universe as within me). So I spoke to my Tiger painting (Tiger has been coming to me lately in dreams). And I realised all of this amplification of fear is here to highlight some big shifts needing to take place inside me.
The need to get back into the present moment and moreso to let go of the obsessive worrying about a future that has not happened. It is a challenge or rather encouragement from my inner self to face the fear of fear in general. For me to live a thriving full life I need to be in a position inside myself to engage and explore life from a strong centered place.
Before I set sail on my travelling adventures, before the universe brings me into this place of movement, this anxiety pattern needs to change and so I am here writing my feelings as a beginning to this change.
Many years ago I was offered anti-anxiety pills by the Doctor but it never ever felt right and it still doesn't. I am a very feeling orientated person and knowing that these tablets can sometimes cause peope to numb down there emotions which would not be right for me. I live intuitively through my emotions.
As far as I can see it, anxiety is overamplified excitement.
So where do I go with all of this?
I have in front of me a sleep aid herbal remedy with passionflower and valerian in it. It is for sleep primarily and I sleep very well but I had read somewhere of people taking it for anxiety. I am looking into it further and may try taking it when I have a day in my flat. If anybody knows of any other alternative remedies for anxiety (homeopathy, bach flower remedies etc etc..) I more than welcome your tips and ideas.
I have put in a request at the DHN (distant healing network) for some healing with this issue as I need to reach out for some support right now.
It's so surreal to write this as just a couple of weeks ago I was feeling sooo soothed, sooo in the moment and sooo allowing my life to unfold. I know that these fears have arisen because I have been considering change in my life, a movement forward and part of this moving forward would be saying goodbye to my best friend of 8 years Michael (fear of loss, roots). So it stands to reason why this anxiety would arise now. My mind can sense me pulling away from the known and can sense me desiring to walk across the bridge into the unknown adventure of my life. The unknown is not something the mind/ego can comprehend. The mind feels it needs to protect me from the unknown and so it tries to do this through anxiety states and worrisome thoughts. While I appreciate the protection my mind has given me in the past through anxiety and worry I feel now it is time for change for me and my life.
All I can say is everything does happen for a reason and this feeling must want my attention or it would not be feeling so strong.
Much love to you all, I welcome your warmth and support at this time.
Additional Thoughts After Posting
I spent a little time going through the site I posted below and in the success stories I was interested in something somebody said there. It had me thinking that maybe the body responds with adrenalin because it sees the thoughts as an attack on it. If those thoughts had not caused a response originally (whenever that was - could be early childhood), they would be simply random thoughts passing through, without the physical response that feels like anxiety. Maybe we wouldn't be so attached to those thoughts if the body felt safe and not under threat?
It's also interesting that much of the advice and success stories are very much what I normally say to myself and on my blog about feeling the feelings. I guess the mistake I made here was feeling the feelings, panicking about what the feelings meant by interpreting them and 'trying' to feel better or get away from the intensity. I have much to gain from all of this. I will add more as it comes.
Some further resources on managing anxiety below. I will add more as I discover them:
A video that I have been watching to gain further clarity: