Sometimes I feel I am like the telephone waiting to ring, watching the receiver impatienty: "Ring damn it!".
The telephone never rings when I will it to. It only rings when I am focused on other things, distracted, much like inspiration and creativity.
Over a week ago I decided to make my breaks between posting blogs longer, and during that time I wrote a couple of blogs that felt a little forced and unnatural. So they stay in my notebook just for my eyes only.
I like to write when I am flowing. This flow can come from any type of emotion: sadness, anger, joy and fear. I smile at myself as I write this as to write from joy is still fairly alien to me. Most of my writing has come from my own internal questioning process during times of trials and tribulation.
Something in me questions "What value does writing from joy bring?"
I realise I have a little conditioning that feels I must help others, and people may only hear me or I may only be able to reach them if I am in a similar place on my life journey.
I recall the many times during depressive states, watching on you tube, listening to CDs to positive speakers, how much they turned me right off. It was like sandpaper to my emotional state.
How does one engage readers from a place of joy? and if someone is in a joyful place won't they have no need to read what I have to say? Where does heart-shared, written inspiration come from?
I always felt I had something to give, something to share from inside me. I didn't realise I had an identity with being 'helpful' and 'supportive'.
A little while ago I wrote a blog called "Are You Addicted To Feeling Bad" (I deleted it for some bizarre reason during a feng shui of the site) and I felt I was at that time. This is no longer so, yet I am a little hesitant to let go of the 'troubled' 'scared' 'unhappy' identity. It has been my identity for so long.
Even though my writing has changed, it offers me many more solutions and awarenesses in my life now, yet I do struggle to write when I am in a joy-filled place. I guess the fear behind this is that I will turn into one of those super sickly positive people that ooze mantras and key phrases at everyone they meet.
Perhaps genuine, understated joy won't appear so fake and the realness of the experience will shine through.
As I want to continue to explore my horizons of joy in my life and in my heart I am willing to let these fears go. Perhaps the great unknown will reveal a new avenue for me, my self expression and my writing. I am prepared to see how far down the rabbit hole this takes me.
I imagine joy will bring me greater understanding and creativity and as I grow and change so will my readers.
Trust in the process of life is called for here.
I guess it also comes down to the subject of belonging again. People come together because of collective woes and issues. I am aware that genuinely joyful people rarely express this, because it often brings with it envy from other. Because of this many people hide their light behind the metaphoric bushel. And in addition perhaps, I still project my own fears of not being liked or not belonging onto others, almost expecting to be rejected for my joy.
The question I must ask myself is:
"What is the greatest experience I want for myself?
To be liked and loved?
Or to experience joy and thereby discovering the love and approval of my own heart from within?"
Surprisingly this sounds like a no brainer yet my ego struggles with the letting go of the first option.
It sounds crazy all of this, as intellectually I get that feeling amazingly joyous, loving my life, loving myself, flowing easily through this life experience is what it's all about. And intellectually I know I can be a great example of living by allowing myself to feel good. Yet I am amazed that the reluctance to let go of the 'sharing from the pain' is a bit of a barrier right now.
As always, I guess, awareness is the key.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic.
- Do you find expressing creatively from joy easy?
- Have you ever or do you have an identity with creating your art (writing, speaking, painting etc etc...) from the more challenging emotions within?
- Does helping other people give you a sense of satisfaction and what would you feel if you let go of needing to help others but instead helped yourself by allowing joy to ripple through your being?
I am aware that most of the greatest poets create from pain. Yet many create from love also.
- What draws you on your search for reading material online? is it to make you feel better, bring you relief? or simply out of general interest?
For some strange reason this blog post feels a bit scary to write and also to publish but it feels a necessary step in my unfolding life.
Thanks For Reading