Everyone has a choice in how they react or respond, and because of this I am learning in my own time to release the guilt and blame I had placed on myself with regard to my father's death.
I wrote in a previous blog about what can cause money blocks in life. I listed many of the blocks I feel I potentially have and one of those was guilt.
Whenever we place blame or guilt onto ourselves we are essentially blaming the inner child. This is because the inner child is as spontaneous, wanting and demanding as children can be. A child comes into this world expecting to have all its needs met so it wants and it gets, it wants and it gets. Mostly from its parents.
We came into this world knowing on a deep level we can have what we want. We just got mixed up along the way, thinking that the only source of getting what we wanted came from our parents, not from inside of us.
And so my inner child was a demanding child. Playful, fun and wanting - a lot. My father, a giving loving father, instead of saying no (which I would have learned to adapt to) always said yes to these demands.
After he died I had been carrying a lot of guilt about the demands I placed on him. I felt he was stressed out through money because of me. I felt my demands caused his heart attack and ultimately his death. So my inner child feels I am blaming her.
So this afternoon after doing some forgiveness work and shedding some tears, I began a mantra of loving self forgiveness to myself. I shouted out to the birds, the bees, the trees; I shouted to the water flowing through the river to the earth beneath my feet: "I am NOT responsible for my father's death! I am NOT to blame for him dying!".
I cried and cried as I said this and I feel this is the beginning of my self healing journey.
I talked to myself about my father. It was his choice and his decision to be as giving as he was, knowing his financial situation. He had a big heart and could not - not give. This was who he was. However, it was not my responsibility that he always said yes to my child and teenager demands. It was his responsibility how he responded to me and my family. It was his choice to take it in and stress his heart to breaking point. I am no longer responsible for his death AND I never was.
As I write this I stop to pause. This needs to be absorbed and felt.
The only person I am responsible for is myself. How another human chooses to see me is their business. How another human reacts or responds to me is their business. My business is MY BUSINESS.