With tears streaming down my face, I find it hard to express this place.
Today is my loneliness day.
The harsh reality of feelings curdling through my soul.
Instead of walking or talking back to a safe place
It is time to express this feeling, my way.
While on good days, days when my womanly hormones are not flooding me, my rational and intuitive self soothes me, brings me back to wholeness, brings me back to gentle and loving aloneness.
I am bringing out what is deep within.
Breaking through my tender skin.
I feel lonely today, really lonely.
I felt lonely when I was working.
So it was not about the people but more about my substance in my life.
Now I am allowing the substance to flow through me in my blog and how I write.
I woke up this morning and did my usual facebook thing,
I looked at all the happy people and knew I was bringing something in.
I miss my family today.
I miss my Mum.
I envy when I hear about all the goings on.
Of shopping trips out, girly days,
People coming together in familiar ways.
I miss friends to bounce off,
I have two female friends.
One we go shopping together, maybe once in a blue moon,
We just catch up and get coffee and go shopping in the toon.
One who's a bit flaky, she's lovely all the same,
They just don't give me what I am looking for, hidden within my own name.
I live with Mike, whom I love.
But he's not a girl and he doesn't feel passion.
He's working on it though.
But he's not what I need him to be right now.
He doesn't bounce off me or show enthusiasm.
He doesn't get excited about things, like me.
Its just not his way right now.
My spirit yearns for adventure.
My spirit yearns for play and fun.
My spirit yearns today.
Wishes I was feeling happy to really enjoy the sun.
Today I want my life to be other than it is.
Today I have this resistance raising its ugly head.
Today I feel pain and sorrow and hurt inside.
It's such a resistance the big tears don't seem to want to cry.
I feel frustration that I still resist this resistance. I know my Mum when she reads this will want to pay for me to visit and I don't want this. It would only be a temporary existence.
I know this is just a day, it will pass sometime and go away.
I know what my soul is teaching me, still some loving to be had, inside of me.
I guess I haven't got this ALONENESS cracked yet.
I can understand why so many people fill there lives with this and that.
TV and Internet, Texting and phoning.
Food and alcohol.
It seems so much more appealing.
Most people fear this place I am in.
AND even though I am in it,
I still fear what's beneath it.
But I know its important I am here.
Letting go and releasing these salty tears.
Its sometimes hard to show great courage,
Being brave when it feels like nobody loves us.
But it's not about other people.
It's all about who we are.
Do we have the strength to carry on.
I know I have.
Or I wouldn't be writing this.
My soul knows to soothe and speak to me.
IT MUST LOVE ME THROUGH THIS BLOG TERRITORY.
I have always been a sensitive soul,
Feeling people's emotions from deep within,
When I was a child I felt other's feelings kick in,
So I locked down my heart and did not let it seep in,
I used food and booze to lose the pain,
It wasn't mine to process or make sane.
Yet now, my heart is open,
I feel all the emotions of those heartbroken,
None of us deluded.
I know I cannot gain,
My nourishment from watching other peoples pain,
I MUST DISTRACT my eyes,
And witness what's inside,
My life's been opened wide.
There is nowhere left to hide.
All the distractions of life are gone.
Yet my mind chooses some of them to focus on,
As a sense of control in a life where there isn't any.
Being with myself fully.
Can anybody else say they do this wholly?
Switch off the TV, put down your phone,
Switch the computer off, can you be ALONE?
Am I really ALONE?
Is this therapy this poem?
Is it time to let this loneliness go?
And fully embrace my solitude?
SOLITUDE is a beautiful thing.
It means we are comfortable in our own skin.
It's time to see the sacred in the spaciousness.
To see the blessing, in the aloneness.
Let the lonely be as lonely is,
For this fleeting moment,
This too shall pass.
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You Can't Learn To Be Alone Until You've Been Lonely