Last night I made the mistake of allowing the ugly head of comparison to rise again. I looked at another's art and felt like I was "too late in the game", "Its pointless to write, pointless to paint, pointless to creatively speak on you tube". I had allowed the ugly message of my ego to taint my creative pleasure. My ego began to grab onto an 'end result', a 'what will happen down the line' with what I am doing now. My ego went through my life and gave me angry thoughts: "If only I hadn't had that grade at school that destroyed my artistic hopes and dreams; I would have had a career in art, some people have all the luck!".
Boy, my ego was thrashing around inside my head last night. I went to sleep with tears in my eyes feeling absolutely destroyed and shattered by my ego's pulsing, berating sabotaging thinking.
As my life is not the same as an ordinary route, ordinary career or structured journey; as my life is unfolding differently; as my life is all about the 'Unknown', 'Uncertainty', and 'Letting the next step reveal itself as I go', it was easy for my ego to take hold last night in my fledgling state of learning to walk my artistic self out onto this stage of life.
And so my ego this past week had been grabbing onto the concept of 'doing art for an audience'.
The ego comes in the back door making us feel the art must be perfect. We must have people commenting, visiting and watching our art (whatever our art is).
I had found myself looking at the 'statistics' of my blog, checking how many people were viewing my blog. I checked out my really newborn baby, my You Tube channel and I saw others on the path of art, structured, career orientated 'GOING SOMEWHERE' art.
My mind was telling me: "You are not going anywhere Kelly; this will lead to nothing; why bother? give up! nobody's watching anyway; its not going to change your life Kelly; just stop it now".
Hence why I cried myself to sleep. I was believing all these destructive, ugly thoughts and not able to question them as I had allowed them to seep in too deep.
Julia Cameron spoke to me this morning with a quote that really reflected last night's tirade of words directed at self:
When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.
And when I awoke this morning after a sleep that blew the cobwebs of that sorrowful night out of my energy, I had a little relief returning and my first thought was "JUST DO IT!". Do it because the creative me needs to be expressed, do it because I need to flow this out into the world, I need it out of me instead of trapped in the creative dungeon of my own making. Do it for me! Do it for me! Do it for me!
Instead of for an audience.
Speak, for my heart needs to speak.
Write, because my soul needs to write.
Paint, because my inner child needs to paint.
Not for an audience.
Needing an audience, comes from lack, comes from fear. It kills my growing creativity.
I may have visitors, I may have watchers - I may not.
What matters is I allow my creativity, like my life, to unfold.
My artistic juices do not need to be prettily packaged in the perfect ribbon. What needs to flow is raw, vulnerable, free, beautiful, heart, soul and spirit.
My old ego messages from the past, the old ugly comparison ways no longer (and never did) nourish my soul.
My creative soul needs to feel free to paint beauty, write ugly, speak scary, draw chaotic, bake divine, dance blessed - whatever is within me needing to come out.