The mind, ego, needs to grasp onto something and so when distractions in life have been almost all taken away or removed, the mind will grasp anything it can to get some element of control.
For me, right now, my mind is choosing physical body symptoms and future freaks outs (smile).
I find it amazing when in the middle of the unknown how much I try to figure out whats happening, whats coming, how to make things happen and even moreso in the period of unknown-ness, try to find a decision to make, any decision.
I know its my mind shouting orders at me "Kelly you MUST make a decision! some decision!" in otherwords 'DO SOMETHING! TAKE ACTION'. Well this is how my mind has been operating lately.
I realise I still have to fully experience simply being, the fear arising out of the not knowing has been clawing at my insides in an urgent desperation for control, to know.
So while I sat by the river today, on a beautiful sunny day, which I of course I 'should' be enjoying (no such thing as should) I went into this lost place. Lost, that is what I suppose my mind, my identity, my ego, is doing with all this space, all this emptiness, all this unknown. And thats exactly what my mind, thoughts want me to believe, lost.
To be lost I would not know what direction to go in. I would be floundering in the middle of a crossroads flapping my arms about in desperate inaction, confusion and fear. So lost is a most appropriate word.
I wonder, is being lost the precursor to dropping into the flow of life, letting go, allowing? Maybe right now its perfect that I have this lost feeling, maybe its perfect to acknowledge, accept and appreciate this element of the process of life.
Byron Katie would probably say to me if I was talking to her now, I am exactly where I need to be, feeling exactly what I need to feel, how could it be otherwise?
If I needed to feel peace, letting go, in the flow... I would be, she would make it sound so simple to me.
I guess, part of the unknown is trusting that being with 'whatever is' fully, not making plans, making urgent decisions (even when in the unknown place, decisions are pretty impossible, because nothing arises that gives direction, either way), will allow life to unfold, in the perfect way, at exactly the perfect time. And any need for control will not necessarily make whatever 'is' unfolding, unfold any quicker.
Needless to say, I have no solid answers for this unknown place. I am, myself a part of the unfolding universe.