It is amazing what awareness brings when you are ready to hear it from within.
I am feeling a lot like a big onion right now and as one layer is unveiled another is made clear too. Yesterday I was sitting on my sofa in silence when I realised many reasons why failure has been such a big thing for me in my life. I began to first look at my inspired business idea and my instanteneous need to let go of the whole of my ebay shop. I looked at the whole of everything I felt in my whole life, well pretty much.
Belly Dancing has been a big excitement for me lately, yet this past month it has taken a back seat. Lack of motivation and boredom for something that is pretty much something that could never be boring.
How much does boredom and self-sabotage come hand in hand? I would say a large proportion of it can be a form of sabotage.
I am researching a lot into my new business idea and when I say researching I am preparing everything properly. As I sat last night I wondered why I was not feeling the passion I have felt with my other business ideas, my other excitements in life and I realised it was because they were short-lived. I never put 100% into a passion because a part of me knew I could be a fantastic success at most things I put my heart into. So, as a way to perpetuate the myth that I am a failure I would either get bored or give up not long after beginning something.
My body self sabotaged my need for exercise for so long I would give excuses "I cant do yoga or exercises because my knees are dislodged", when in fact the very thing my body needed was exercise and through pilates I now have very little knee pain.
My mind would create all kinds of disconnection in my body when doing belly dancing making me think I could not dance when my legs would not do what I wanted them to do.
I have been craving connection for so long with women, with friendships and I realise how quickly I give up on friendships if they are not close or intimate not allowing the other person to open up at their own pace in their own time if and ever they do open up.
Who am I to judge when another person is ready? why do I feel the need to disconnect when my invitations to meet with female friends does not happen because the other person is busy?
In 'dare to connect' by Susan Jeffers she talks about inviting life, inviting people into your life, no expectations. If a person says no, then says no, then says no, keep inviting them in if you feel you have something in common with them. Life is not an experience where we sit on our sofas waiting for experiences and people to come our way we have to keep inviting the universe and life in. I have decided to do this my friends, and to drop the need to actually have anything happen (meeting up, chatting etc etc), to allow whatever to happen to natural unfold. Due to previous experiences as a child I guess I internalised people not being able to spend time with me as if I was that small child again, feeling rejected when this is often not the case. So in a way my adult self turned this around by detaching from people before this happened. I am ready to change this pattern inside me and to stop sabotaging my friendships.
With my working life I am ready to keep at one project this time instead of looking to the next ship on the horizon that looks "so much more delicious". I realise my fears to do with my new project are to do with fearing failure and for a time were paralysing me doing anything about it. So right now I am doing what needs to be done, I keep doing and carrying out important tasks, I am doing the prep work involved, I am disciplining myself and becoming more focused in my daily tasks. Yes, the excitement the passion can sometimes be overwhelmed by the fears of failing at the task, but this is what has stopped me in the past the fear.
By moving through these fears and learning the art of focused concentration I feel I can do something I have never done in my whole life.
I know many people, me included, butterfly hop through life. We go from one job to the next, one idea to the next, one friendship/relationship to the next, because if we actually stood still for one moment we could actually complete, fullfill and make an experience a grand success. Anything we put our whole being into has the potential for success it is our fear of failure that makes us sabotage ourselves in a whole host of different ways. How are you sabotaging yourself right now?
Many people including my teacher said I am an excellent belly dancing student and I have the potential to be great. So what did I do ? I created lack of motivation within myself to do any practice and pushed it aside as "ah well its just one of those things, I tried". But, did I really try? NO I played for a little while which is what I have done for the past 30 years. I played at being a professional therapist through healing, I played at being an editor of a magazine, I played at being self employed, never carrying out the tasks and making the time to fully engage in the present moment experience of what I was doing.
The grass is not greener on the other side of the field, right now has the ultimate potential for greatness if we only stick around long enough to smell the flowers.